Lustful Hearts
Chapter 17: Apologies- P2

After dunking and eating the third biscuit, I heard a shuffle. My body instantly stiffened with fright. I sat up straining my ears for any sounds of noise. My eyes flicked around the room, paranoia setting in. For a second I thought I'd imagined it, sighing in relief. I relaxed back into the chair, then yelped at the sight of a half naked Joel strolling into the kitchen. Of course even with messy, bed hair and sleepy eyes he still looked gorgeous.

Did he ever look anything but?

Dressed in a black Foo Fighters T-shirt and grey boxers, he casually walked through continually rubbing his face. He yawned and stretched, grabbing a glass out the cupboard and sat down beside me.

I nudged the carton of milk towards him. He smiled, the pain no longer there. His lip had long healed, all the bruising now gone. His face was back to being flawless, though deep inside the emotional scars would still be with him.

I smiled back, until he leaned over to grab an Oreo. Then my smile quickly vanished.

What the hell?

"Errrm, what do you think you're doing?" I asked, arching an eyebrow.

Joel paused, then smiled. "I'm having a biscuit," he said in a matter of fact way.

Now I was annoyed.

"Pffttt, I don't think so. These are mine. Mum buys a pack every week for me only." I pulled the packet nearer to make it even clearer.

"So you're not going to give me one then?" he asked, looking surprised. I watched as an amused expression crossed his face.

I felt a smile tug on my lips too. "Nope." I took a slow sip of milk to mask it.

His mouth dropped open in pretend shock and then he stuck his bottom lip out, giving me those sad puppy dog eyes.

"Oh please, do you think that actually works?" It actually did, but I was not giving in that easily. He was going to have to work a little harder for it.

His face dropped slightly. "I'm hoping it does." He pouted, looking me straight in the eye.

I felt the same pull towards him again. My heart beat faster at his close proximity, and now at the pouty lips I wanted to kiss so bad.

I could be a bitch and stick to my refusal. Instead I pushed the packet towards him, he grinned in delight while I blushed.

Damn that smile.

So much for keeping my distance.

He dipped his Oreo into his milk, and I continued anxiously nibbling on mine as we sat in complete silence.

He finished his final bite and began running his finger along the rim of the glass. He coughed clearing his throat, his eyes seeking out mine. "Iz, I know I've said it a hundred times before, but I'm sorry for what I did. I will try to make it up to you. I was drunk, and I saw you flirting with Rob..." His voice trailed off and his eyes looked pained, returning to the glass.

I sighed heavily, smiling like everything was okay, like I wasn't still broken. "It's fine Joel. What's done is done, but thanks for the new bed. The one good thing is my old mattress was so lumpy so it's a treat to lie on a new one," I replied, masking the obvious hurt I was feeling deep inside.

He smiled, but the pain was evident in his eyes. He knew I was dodging the real issue.

I sat drawing small circles, my fingertip skimming over the dark polished wood. I was trying to pluck up the courage to apologise for my own cruel words. "I'm sorry for what I said about your dad," I whispered. "You're nothing like him. I was just lashing out, trying to hurt you." I dragged my eyes up from the table and looked into his, hoping to find some form of forgiveness.

His tortured eyes held mine. "You were right, I am like him. I drink to escape how I feel, and I sleep with women that I don't care about. I hurt the people I care about the most. I'm a mess, and I don't deserve to be with anyone." His honesty shocked me, admitting he wasn't worthy to be with anyone broke my heart. I was beginning to see just how deep his insecurities actually went.

"Do you want a girlfriend, Joel?" The question left my lips before my brain even engaged what I was asking, but I had to know the truth.

He frowned, and his eyes dropped down to the table. "I don't know, Iz. I'd just be a big disappointment to whoever it was. I'm no good, and maybe that's why I deserve to be used. I don't deserve love. I've always known that, and I accept it."

He closed his eyes, hanging his head. The shadow from the light completely covered his face. He was trapped in a world of darkness he couldn't escape from, and I knew I couldn't sit back any longer and pretend I didn't care.

I took hold of his hand, and his head snapped up with the contact. He looked deep into my eyes, silently asking what I was doing.

I stroked his hand, reassuring him I was here, losing myself in the sadness of his eyes. I fell so deep, I almost forget to breathe. It was easy to forget around Joel.

"Everyone deserves to be loved, Joel, you more than others. You lost your mum at such a young age and you've never got it from your dad, but we all love and care for you."

He smiled squeezing my hand in reply, too choked up at the moment to speak.

"You just need to find the right woman, someone decent that will love you with all their heart." My voice broke, the words almost choking me. The thought of Joel loving someone else was almost too much to take.

"I know the women I go with are just a distraction, nothing long term." He sighed, and I snorted.

Never a truer word spoken.

We continued holding hands; in truth I never wanted to let go. He turned around slowly shuffling in his seat, fully facing me, I could see the conflict in his eyes. He licked his lips slowly, and his hand gripped mine tighter.

"I know what I said about betraying Mike, and at the time all I could think about was that I didn't want to lose your family, but I can't keep pretending not to care. I can't hold back my feelings any longer. I have missed you so much, all the happy times we shared together now haunt me.

I know it was my fault.

I destroyed everything by my stupid actions, but believe me, Iz, I have suffered. Just seeing your face that morning, the look of hurt and pain caused by something I did, I have to live with that."

His head dropped down, and my heart hammered deep in my chest.

He felt the same?

I reached over and placed my hand on his shoulder, rubbing it soothingly.

He slowly lifted his head up, his eyes now filled with unshed tears. They held so much anguish; I felt tears prick in my own.

"I know you can never forgive me for what I did, and that is my hell. That is the biggest regret I will have to live with, but I will love you forever, Iz, and will spend the rest of my life haunted by my decision for ever letting you go." The look he gave me was so sincere, but it was his words that floored me.

"What?" I stammered, needing to hear him say it again.

He closed his eyes, the silence once again filling the room. Before it became unbearably uncomfortable, he finally spoke again. "I'm in love with you, Iz, and I can't fight it any longer, it's killing me. I love everything about you. You're funny, sexy, smart and that fiery temper of yours just gets me going. I can't get you out of my head; you consume me. You are in my every waking thought. I've never felt this way about anyone before."

He was in love with me?

Was I actually dreaming right now?

My head felt dizzy trying to process his words. Funny? Well yeah in my own sarcastic way, smart maybe, but sexy? Hell no!

I blushed at the very thought.0000

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