I will be back
9. Try to understand

Aleida’s POV

I know there’ll be discussions about me killing Jonathan. But I can’t prepare at all for the mayhem that arises before my eyes. Dear goddess, what the hell are they doing? There’s not a single alpha in this room who hasn’t been fucked over at least once by Jonathan. Why are they so angry?

“You can’t declare war just like that!” Peter exclaims.

“Yes, she can, and she should. She’s the queen!” Paul counters.

I feel like I’m watching a tennis game, looking back and forth between the men. These are adult people who can’t behave like human beings! How old are they, really, seriously? It’s enough with a growl from me to silence the whole hall.

“I’m not going to declare a war between any packs, not even my own,” I say in a low tone.

“You just said that you are going to kill Jonathan!” Peter exclaims.

“Yes, and I will do it with or without your blessings. This isn’t the public or the city’s business; it’s personal. That fucker killed my parents, was about to kill my pups, and use me as a breeding dog. He’s going to die, and it doesn’t matter if it happens tomorrow or in ten years; he is fucking dead! This is my revenge for everything he ever did to me, to my pack, mates, parents, or anyone really. He never deserved the alpha position and shouldn’t have gotten to it. I’m the only heir to the pack, and I’m going to get it, whatever you may think about it. I’m going there, and I’m going alone,” I spit out in a roaring voice.

“No,” Kian says.

“Um, yes,” I counter and roll my eyes at him.

“No, you can’t do that! It’s not only about you anymore. What about our boys, huh? They need their mother,” Miliano points out.

“I do this for them, can’t you see that? I’m doing this for all of you because I want you to feel safe in your own homes,” I say and look at each and everyone in the room. “I don’t need anything from you. I will handle Jonathan myself. It might even be interesting to fight him this time, now when he’s all mad and stuff.”

“What do you mean mad? Aleida, what did you do!?” Jason exclaims in terror.

“I killed his luna,” I answer, and the room gets dead silent.

You can hear a pin drop. To kill a luna is to declare war; there is no backing down now. Neither I want to nor not; I have to fight Jonathan, and he’s out for blood. He’s more than welcome. My boys and my pack will be protected; if I have to give up my life to save theirs, then that’s what I’m going to do.

“I’m not going to tell you how much I regret it because I don’t. Cathrine was a horrible woman and a terrible example for a luna. If you remember or have heard about my mother, then you all should think the same. My mother told me to treat others with kindness, no matter what. I gave over ten years to that pack, being their slave, and for what!? So they could destroy my pack, force the members to do their dirty bidding, and kill their mates if they don’t? I’m not fucking sorry, and I would do it again if I got the chance. In conclusion... Those of you who want to stand in my way, be my guest. But prepare because I will go through you,” I say in a cold voice and walk out of the room with my head held high.

They probably think I’m crazy. Well, maybe I am. The only thing I know is that Jonathan will come for my pups, and I’m not going to stand by to watch it happen. I shift almost immediately when I get to the backyard. You can hear my roar of anger for miles. Hopefully, the others understand that I’m not lying. I’ll kill them if I have to. Jonathan has to die; otherwise, my pups will. I run through the woods and try to get all the anger out of me. The frustration that someone has once again gone against me in my goal of saving us all makes me furious. Why can’t they see and understand that my only purpose is for us all to live our lives without fear? All I want is for my children to grow up in freedom instead of having to spend their days cooped up in a house in constant paranoia that someone might be outside to harm them. I can’t allow it. There’s no way in the world that my children will have to live that way. That’s not going to happen. Even if I have to go to the end of the world to make it happen, then I will. I’m so inside my mind that I don’t notice when a big wolf flies at me and grabs the side of my stomach with his teeth. Shortly after that, it runs towards the house. It’s after my puppies; I feel it. Despite my injury and the blood flowing out of me, I belt after it. I don’t catch up until it’s right outside the packhouse entrance, and I jump before landing on it. It’s furious and bites me in several places before I manage to kill it with a bite to the neck. It doesn’t take long before two more comes toward me, and I get even more injuries. Somehow I manage to kill them, too. On limping legs, I try to get into the house. I’m still in wolf form. An omega sees me and screams out of fear. She recognizes me, of course. At that moment, it feels like everyone in the whole house is falling apart. I meet my mates’ eyes before I fall on the floor with a thud.

“Aleida!” Miliano screams and runs to me; Kian is there in a second.

“You need to shift, love. We need to see how bad your injuries are,” Kian says in a soft voice.

I shift, and the others gasp. It’s hard to keep my eyes open, but I manage to take a look at my side. I have a vast, bloody bite mark that oozes blood.

“The puppies,” I whisper.

“They are fine; everything’s fine. You’re going to be fine. Can comeone find a goddamn doctor!?” Miliano shouts.

“Take care of them. Tell my babies that mommy loves them and never will forget them. Make them men I can be proud of calling my sons,” I wheeze.

“You’re going to be okay; stop saying things like that!” Kian screams with tears down his face while I lift my hands and put them on my mates’ cheeks.

“I love you, and I never stopped; I never will. I’ll be waiting for you. One day, we’ll meet again. Don’t ever forget how much I love you and how grateful I am for everything you’ve given me. Promise me to protect them. Protect my pack. Protect each other,” I say with the last strength I have in my body.

“Aleida...” Kian cries, but I’m tired, so goddamn tired; my eyes close, and all I want is to sleep.

“No, no, no... No! Aleida, wake up! Fuck, please wake up! We can’t do this without you!” Kian screams.

Darkness overtakes me, and all I can do is hoping that everyone will be okay without me.

The freaking void is back once again. I thought that I didn’t have to get back here! What the hell!? Why do I keep coming back here? There’s a big sign in front of me. “Blue eyes. I’m the speaker of the night. But every time I speak for you, my words stick to my sweet lips. With sadness and disappointment, tears fall along my thick ugly cheeks. My cerulean blue eyes that are the only beautiful thing on my ugly body have been soaked soon. When the eyes are soaked, nothing remains but stands ugly and mocked by my own shadow, ugly duckling. Not even my own shadow wants to be with me. I’m alone at school, I was home alone when my parents died, and I have difficult suicidal thoughts. My arms are covered in scars; I never go without long sleeves; my tears are neverending. I never got the chance to cry out. I wish I never from my mother came out. So ugly, so ugly. I’m a little lonely, the ugly duckling. The one left by the flock already at birth. What am I?” The words baffle me. Is this some kind of sick joke?

“Do you recognize this, Aleida?” a voice asks; I turn and see the moon goddess herself stand beside me with a sad smile. “Do you recognize these thoughts and feelings?”

“Yes,” I answer, sadly.

“Who’s is it?”

“Mine,” I answer in a whisper.

“You have to let them go. It doesn’t work that you continue to allow your experiences and scars to define who you are. You can do it, Aleida. It would be best if you put yourself first right now. There’s no chance that you’ll survive the trials that awaits you otherwise.”

“What are you talking about? I’m dead, am I not?” I ask in slight confusion.

“No, not fully. Your heart has stopped, and the doctors are trying to bring you back. Your pups need you. It’s not your time to leave the earth-life, there will come a time when you have no choice but to sacrifice yourself for others, but not yet. Fight back your demons that continue to punish you. You are better than this; keep on fighting for what you believe in.”

I gasp and cough loudly. Dean looks at me with relief.

“Welcome back, alpha,” he says, and I rise from the bed. “No, you can’t do that, alpha! You need to rest.”

“No, I need to get to my pups!” I growl.

I ignore him entirely and slam the door open. The cuts are starting to heal, and I limp a little less now. I climb the stairs, and tears flood my eyes from the pain when I continue to climb up to my boys.

“Aleida! What the fuck are you doing!?” Nathan screams and runs to me before picking me up; he’s about to walk down again.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Nate! I fought like hell to get up those stairs; bring me to my boys!” I growl.

“They are in the backyard with Miliano, Kian, and the rest.”

“Then put me down; I can walk by myself.”

He’s about to argue, but I just glare at him. Nathan sighs and puts me down. I hold his arm tight when we descend the stairs. The sunshine meets my skin, and I close my eyes out of pleasure. Giggling makes me open my eyes and move forward faster than I really should. It’s still a slight wound on the side of my stomach, but I ignore the pain. My boys need me.

“Aleida! What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in the hospital!” Miliano exclaims.

“I need my boys,” I answer and pick them up while gritting my teeth in pain; nothing can hold me back from my boys, not even death.

“How are you able to stand right now with all those injuries!?” Kian asks in slight hysteria.

“Well. My heart stopped, and when it started to beat, my only priority was to get to my boys,” I answer and shrug.

“You-your heart stopped?” Miliano asks with a shaky voice.

“Yeah. The moon goddess came to me and told me to get back to my pups. And here I am,” I reply with a dramatic bow.

“Were you going to give up?” Kian asks.

“Honestly? I thought that I already was dead,” I answer like he wonders what food I think we’ll get in the cafeteria tomorrow.

“What did she say?” Nathan asks.

“We talked about my suicidal thoughts and things I’ve been thinking these last months. The goddess wasn’t happy about that.”

“Why haven’t you contacted us earlier? We could have helped you. I had no idea how much pain you’ve been in these past few months,” Kian says with sadness.

“I got used to being in pain,” I reply, and the hurting memories return.

“I’m sorry if we were hard on you. We forgot that you probably were and still is the person with the most pain inside you. We really are sorry, Aleida. We love you, and that will never stop,” Kian says.

“It is what it is,” I answer with a sigh, beginning to feel uncomfortable with all the emotions flying in the air.

“Do you think that we ever can go back to how it was?” Miliano asks with hope shining in his eyes.

“No, because I’m not that person anymore. That sweet and innocent girl you once loved died that day at the rejection,” I reply, and they look sad.

For some reason, I feel shame spread in my body. How could they ever want to be with me after all the transformations my body endured during pregnancy?

“I understand that I’m not as attractive as I used to be. Since I’m full of more scars than before and being pregnant and all...” I say, suddenly feeling ashamed of myself.

“What are you talking about? You’re more attractive than ever!” Kian exclaims.

“Huh?” I ask, not understanding what they’re getting at.

“Yeah. You have that confidence you didn’t have before,” Miliano agrees. “We want to bring you on a date. Not all three at the same time. One on one time. What do you say?”

I hesitate. Is this really a good idea? I can’t afford to have them too close to me when everything still is fucked up around us; I look at my mates. They’ll never stop being my mates, no matter what. I smile, uncertain but answer.

“Sure, okay.”

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