THE WIEKTS
Chapter 6: Helpless

Damned him! Damned this family! Nothing was ever right. Everything must be done according to his will. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered. Everything must be calculated with precision. Again, his calculation. Everything was his plan all along. Damned him! I shouldn’t have believed him when he said that he would give his land to me so that I wouldn’t need to find another work in my life. I was swayed by his sweet words. And now, I paid the price. I paid the horrendous price that would bind me to him forever. There was no escape of this. Once again, he managed to rule my life over me. I was truly helpless against him. I was finally trying to accept the fact that no one would be able to free him or herself from my father’s control. And I couldn’t do it either. Even after all these years, I was still that helpless little kid getting left behind on the field because his father wouldn’t help him get up on his feet. Helpless, such a hateful word.

My hand stopped writing. My body tensed. My teeth gritted so hard I they ached. I threw away the journal and everything on my desk. I gripped my quill tight, not even thinking that I could break it. I couldn’t think clearly anymore. Putting the fact that I was going to get married, because my father told me to do so, in words even worsen the matter. Thinking about it now made me feel even worse. I really shouldn’t have trusted him. I should have learned my lesson after all these years. But no, I was foolish enough to keep falling into the same old mistake. I growled in frustration and swatted the ink bottle away. It crashed to the floor and somehow, it made me feel slightly better. The ink tainted the floor beside me and the bottle was shattered and useless. It felt rather nice to be able to vent my anger like this, but I knew that if I continued this there would be nothing left of my room. With a sigh, I picked my journal up and put it in its place under my bed. There was no time for me to wallow in my anger and frustration. It was time for me to meet my future wife. I couldn’t even bear to speak the word. It left a bitter taste in my mouth.

A loud bang on the door brought me back to reality. I got lost inside my mind again apparently. I kept on doing that these days. Suddenly I was somewhere else instead of this wretched world. I savoured every time it happened. I even wished for it to happen more often. At least, there, in the blankness of my mind, I could be far away from my father and my doomed future.

“Roan!” a loud shout was heard from outside my door followed by another bang on the door. I scoffed. I knew it was my father.

I sighed, gritted my teeth, balled my fist, and readied myself for a confrontation with my beloved father. Only when I was sure I wasn’t going to punch him in the face that I went to the door and opened it. Standing there was Arn Wiekt, looking impatient.

“What were you doing in there that took such a long time to do?” he asked me right after I opened the door.

I gritted my teeth even harder and grunted a response, “Nothing, Father.”

“Then why did you take so long to prepare? It’s not like you’re your mother who needs so many things to do before she even leaves the house.”

“Let’s just go, shall we?” I gave him a forced smile.

He grumbled about good-for-nothing son but he let it slide. He went away and didn’t look back as if he was extremely certain that I would follow him. I hated that attitude.

I followed him, but not because I wanted to. My hands were tied in this matter, because I knew that if I didn’t follow through with his plan, there would be hell to pay. And he had already told me to the exact detail of the things that would happen if I didn’t do as he said this time. He told me that he wouldn’t support me anymore, and by this he meant that I wouldn’t be staying under his roof and getting any more financial support from him or my mother. I couldn’t afford that. Not without getting an everyday work on my own. But that seemed impossible. I didn’t know why but I couldn’t seem to find anyone who would hire me for more than a day. I kept on getting kicked out of every work that I had.

“Come along now! Hurry up!” he shouted. I didn’t realize that we were already on the road. With every step that I took, the repulsion came over me like waves on the sea crashing the shore. I found myself walking with hard and heavy steps. He stopped suddenly and looked at me, frustrated.

“Hurry up! Why can’t you walk faster?! Are you going to start daydreaming about things again like your brother? It’s enough that I have one daydreamer son. I don’t need another one,” he hissed. Not that I was expecting him to shout at me in public. He wouldn’t shout at his son in public.

“Stop telling me what to do, Father,” I said.

“Why not? I’m your father. It’s my right to tell you what to do. And it is your duty to do as you’re told,” he said it as a matter-of-factly.

I balled my fist so tight that I was sure I was going to have a permanent nail mark on both my palms. I knew that he was just like that. Never thinking about other people’s feeling, only his. I knew all that already but it never failed to bother me every time he said something like this, so condescending. So hateful.

“I’m doing what you want right now. Isn’t that enough?” I said through gritted teeth.

He laughed. I saw red. I started walking. No. Stomping was the better word to describe it. I abused the road before me. Embarrassment and anger tore through me. A flash of memory made itself known at the back of my head. A memory of a lonely little boy, crying his heart out on the empty land as night fell. From that memory everything seemed to be going forward as if I needed a reminder of every single thing that happened in my life because of him.

“Stop, Roan,” he said. He finally stopped laughing. He had that understanding look on his face and he put on a smile. That smile felt like it didn’t belong on his face. It was weird seeing him smile. I stopped though.

“What?” I barked.

“Fine. Let’s talk. Your future wife can wait. Come on.”

He steered us away from the main road and went into the small and empty alley. He kept on walking until he reached a small clearing near one of his farms. Then he sat there near the lone tree standing in the edge of the clearing. The scenery was beautiful. The grass was so green and lush. The sky was the clearest blue. It was the exact opposite of what happened inside me. I sat beside him, maintaining a good distance away. Not to keep away from him, but it was a way for me to control myself not to attack him right now. I just knew that it wouldn’t go well if I did that.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked curtly.

“I don’t know. You tell me. Why are you so against this marriage?” he asked me back.

“I’m not.”

He scoffed. I hated it when he did that, because it reminded me that I was his son. It became a painful reminder that I shared the same blood with him, because I did that too. That was something that I did often times when I was angry. I hated it.

“Yes, you are. You didn’t tell me but I know. After all, you’re still my son. I may be hard with you, Roan, but I’m not doing it for my own good. I’m doing it for yours.”

I was totally astounded. What on earth was happening to him? For all of my life I had never seen or heard him say or do anything like this. He was never affectionate. He was stern, disciplined, and tough. He was only showing compassion towards the people outside the house. He would always try to control everyone. He didn’t do anything for other people’s sakes. It was always for his sake. No. I couldn’t — wouldn’t — believe his words. I had believed him when he said that he would give me his farm, but then it turned out to be his plan to get me to marry one of his friend’s daughters. He said that he would let me own all of his land. I agreed immediately and then he dropped the requirement needed. I could still recall the sting of anger that night brought me.

It was only ten nights ago that he called me out of my room and asked me to sit with him near the warm hearth. It was a rather cold night and he was getting warm by sitting on the chair closest to the fire. He looked stern as always, but there was a glint of determination in his eyes that hadn’t been apparent since the news of Hart’s death came from a fellow soldier named Osthas. He was planning something, I just knew it, but I couldn’t even fathom what exactly he was planning on doing. I walked slowly to his chair, trying my best to look in every direction except his. Finally I stopped near his chair and glared at the hearth. The fire licking the sides. It was burning the walls built there to confine it, trying to find its escape. Slowly, burning the sides of the wall that was trying to confine it. Just like what I felt inside, the frustration in not knowing what would happen. It burned my inside slowly. At last, after a long silence filled the room, he started to speak.

“Roan,” he said. He cleared his throat and said again, “Son.”

It was the last word he said that alerted me. He never called me his son, at least not in the serious and loving way. He had the absolute ability to make that loving word into an insult, and I had every opportunity in the world to hear that directed at me.

“What?” I grunted a response.

“Come sit with me,” he said.

“What are you doing?” I asked him, incredulous.

He looked at me and raised his eyebrow, revealing nothing about his intentions. He just wanted me to follow him blindly. It was not going to happen. He would be dreaming if he thought so. I glared at him in defiance and stood my ground. Even when he glared at me, I didn’t budge. Then, he sighed.

“Just sit, Roan.”

I grumbled but I obeyed him at last. I sat on the chair in front of him, but adamantly refused to spare him a look. Instead I was back on my way to glare daggers into the fire. I didn’t even care that the light started to burn my eyes.

“Roan,” he called me. I still refused to look at him. Apparently, he finally realized that whatever conversation he had in mind would be a one-sided one, and thus he began to speak.

“Roan, I have decided,” he started. He stopped and sighed, but continued on. “It was not long since your bro — he — passed away. I was taken by grief and shame because of his passing.”

I started to pay more attention. I knew that it was still a sore subject to talk about in this house. He made it perfectly clear that everyone in this house was forbidden from even saying his name. And he himself had never spoken of this matter at all. To bring this up now, I just couldn’t even think about what he was trying to say to me.

“I know that you don’t really like me,” he said. I subconsciously scoffed at this. It was an understatement of the century. He raised his hand as if to stop me from commenting. I wasn’t going to comment anyway. He continued, “I know that you think that I don’t…” he stuttered to a stop, cleared his throat, and finished his words, “…love you as my son.”

I sputtered at this. “What are you saying?”

“Let me finish. I didn’t do anything that I did and said to you because I felt only contempt to you, Roan. I did what I did for your own good. I don’t see in you what I saw in him, but I know that you can be someone better than this if you just try hard enough.” He looked straight at my eyes and I could see the hard glint in his eyes.

I gritted my teeth. Even when he said such nice things about me, he just couldn’t help himself to slip in some insults to me. It was so like him that I didn’t even find the strength to be surprised anymore. I looked at him and tried once again to guess what was in his mind and what his purpose was by saying these things to me. He stared at me just as if he was assessing something about me and making his final calculation before he continued his words.

“Listen, Roan. Since I couldn’t give this land to Thoar because he wanted to be in the King’s army and I couldn’t just give it to Oarn as well, because he’s still too young, I have decided…” he stopped and cleared his throat. Then he continued, “…I have decided that I will give this land to you.”

Again I was at lost for words. I couldn’t believe my own ears. Did he really just say that he would give his land — his whole land — to me? I remembered opening and closing my mouth, trying desperately to find something to say if only to question his sanity, but it was to no avail. I couldn’t say or do anything to respond to the shocking revelation. I always thought that he would never give his land to me. He was always cold and distant with me, never talking about this land with me, always to Hart or Thoar, his beloved sons.

“I —,“ I started to speak, but he raised his hand as if to stop me from saying it.

“You don’t need to say anything. I was hoping that you will accept this, Roan. Think about it, you will never have to look for work in town for the rest of your life if you accept this, son.”

“I know, but —,” he stopped me again before I could finish my sentence.

“Different from what you think of me, Roan, I’m not an evil person. I only think of what’s best for you and for all my children. I want all of you to be the greatest men in this land and I will do anything in my power to ensure that including being harsh and disciplined towards my own blood. I’m not going to let you be weak men who will bend to other people’s will. But no, I’m not a bad person who’s just trying to ruin your life, son.”

There was nothing that I could do to prepare me for his words. I was completely and utterly shocked. I was almost thinking that this guy who sat before me wasn’t even my father. If I didn’t know that there was no such thing as magic in this world, I would be suspicious that someone with ill intent had changed my father with someone or even something else.

“What are you talking about?” I sputtered.

“Just say that you’ll take this chance, Roan. You will never be in need for anything else. Of course, my wealth is not much, but it will get you to a comfortable life until you lay in your death bed.”

“But, what brought this on?”

“As I said before, it’s all for your sake.”

I felt my temper rising. He kept on saying that while in fact he had been doing nothing that could reflect that he had spoken true. I balled my fist tightly.

“Why are you doing this now? Why now after all these years? You have never shown me anything but cruelty and contempt towards me. Now you want me to believe that you feel some kind of affection to me? Don’t make me laugh!” I shouted. From the corner of my eyes, I could see my mother walking into the room but stopped and gasped when she heard me.

His eyes turned cold and calmly he said, “Fine. Think what you want to think. It won’t make my words false, because what I said is the truth. Now, I’m going to go to bed. Just think about my offer, Roan. I’m offering you a comfortable life and future. Don’t waste it.”

Then he stood up and went to his room, leaving me with my anger and the silence that was only broken by the crackling fire. Seconds ticked by before my mother sighed and took the now empty seat in front of me. She folded her hands and looked at me, waiting for me to raise my head and looked at her eyes. I did, at last.

“Roan, just do as he said. Take his offer,” she said.

“Why should I, Mother?”

“Because he loves you.”

I scoffed and my mother hastily continued, “He does love you, Roan. Only in his own way. You may not see it, but he does. Just say yes, Roan.”

“I don’t know, Mother. I feel like there’s something here. Something more than his offer. I don’t know what, but I feel it, Mother.”

“Of course there’s something more to his offer, Roan. But think of it as a needed sacrifice for a comfortable life ahead of you. It’s not a bad deal to make, isn’t it?” she asked me. I didn’t give her any answer. She sighed, held my hands, and said, “Just think about it, Roan. Good night.” She left and I was left alone only with my thoughts. For a while, I was tempted to forgo her suggestions completely.

“Roan!” a loud noise from my right brought me back from the land of memories. I blinked my eyes several time as if to clear the fog that was clouding my mind. I drifted away from the here and now again, apparently. Beside me, Father looked frustrated. He clicked his tongue in disagreement and looked away.

“Where did your mind go? I’ve been calling you many times,” he said.

The feeling of irritation and frustration came back. I felt my shield going up to protect myself from his harsh words. This was the real world and unlike the bitter memory that couldn’t do me any real harm, this reality actually could. So I drew myself behind the wall of anger and annoyance towards my father.

“Nowhere,” I answered, clipped.

“Nonsense. But let us not talk about it. I wanted to know what made you so against this marriage. Now, tell me.”

“Nothing. I have nothing against this except the fact that you tricked me into it.”

“I didn’t trick you to do anything. It was all your decision. I gave you time to think about my offer.”

I told myself over and over again that I wouldn’t repeat this cycle again and again. The cycle of me saying one thing and him saying the other. It would just end up with me having a raging anger and he was the one who would win. Again. No, I would not grace his words with a response. He looked at my rigid posture and tense face. I thought he understood that he would not get anything else from me, and so he sighed and stood up. Apparently, it was time to move on again, back to our journey to see my future wife.

“Very well,” he said. “If you didn’t have anything against this marriage, let us continue our journey then.”

With that he went back to the main road and we walked the rest of the road in silence.

As I recalled this day’s event in my head and wrote it in this journal, I couldn’t help but think about my father’s question. After all was said and done with the girl’s family and the dowry paid, that one particular question still irked me. He asked me then what made me so adverse to this marriage. I didn’t answer then. Now, as I contemplated my answer, I understood that I couldn’t answer. Now as I looked back to the question and dig deep into my own soul, I found that I had nothing to answer it. I didn’t know what it meant, but a fear crept into my deepest heart that perhaps there was something that missed my attention. Something was there inside of me that I didn’t know about. And together with that strange nothingness in my heart about the matter, there was also the sense of dread lurking around. This dread brought me to an understanding that scared me more than the previous question. I had begun to understand that I had been having constant moments of blankness in my mind. It was as if I could be easily lost in my memory. This caused me to drift from the reality often times. I didn’t know what brought this on, but I feared for my sanity. Of course, it used to give me a sense of reprieve from my reality. But I feared that if these moments were to continue, I would never go back to the real world again and be stuck forever in the memories. If this continued, I would be absolutely helpless to stop that reality from happening.

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