The Counterfeit Lover (War of Sins Book 3)
The Counterfeit Lover: Chapter 19

Opening his school laptop, Rafaelo started working on an assignment that was due the following day, wanting to get it out of the way before he could allow himself to unwind.

To everyone’s dismay, he’d managed to get into college even with his special classes and unfortunate diagnosis. Though he kept his act up at all times, this was one thing he’d made some allowances for, mainly because he needed to escape his house.

For a while he’d been floundering, his mental health plunging into dangerous territory as he tried to keep up his act. He’d been suppressing his own self for far too long, and the effects were evident. He was having a hard time finding enjoyment in anything in his life, more often than not preferring to sit in his room, sleep, eat and play video games. He knew it wasn’t a proper life, but it was his escape.

The only way he could find a semblance of normality was when he pretended to be yet another person in a video game. How fucked up was that?

In those games he could finally use his brain to the fullest, without downplaying his capacities or his affinity with planning.

He’d started with real time strategy games, where he would take control of a faction or an empire and see it thrive, usually going against an enemy force. It was the one area he could apply the knowledge he’d acquired while working with his father—the only time he’d enjoyed the mob business. He loved having control over everything and he’d become specialized in one of the popular games, earning his username a place on the homepage’s hall of glory.

But he’d soon moved on from that when it wasn’t stimulating him anymore, going for games that incorporated strategy with role playing. Due to his thirst of being someone, he’d managed to get himself noticed by several channels that were hosting professional games, and by the time he turned eighteen, he was already participating in small, localized competitions.

It had all changed the year before, when he’d been extended an offer to play for a bigger company. Of course, all of that involved a lot of time that he could not afford if he was at home, with his mother smothering him and following his every step.

That had been his main incentive to move to his college dorm, pursuing his studies while enjoying his rapidly advancing gaming career. While it wasn’t something he saw himself doing in the long run, for the moment it was enough to keep him from actively going insane.

For his studies he’d chosen a relatively safe field—earth science and geology. All in an attempt to put on a front for everyone around him and further hide himself.

But now he wasn’t just retarded Raf. He was retarded Raf who talked to stones—a moniker he’d earned curtesy of his brother.

Finishing his assignment in record time, he glanced at the clock. He had the rest of the night to relax. His earliest class the next day was in the afternoon, so he could sleep in.

Now that he’d joined the bigger gaming leagues, his focus had shifted. The moment the activity had turned into a responsibility, his enjoyment of it had flown right out of the window—or, at least, it had diminished considerably.

That didn’t mean he could stop. Not when he was earning money for his playtime, which meant he could one day become independent from his family. He’d put aside every penny, dreaming of the day he could just take off.

That was his ultimate goal.

He would play, earn some money on the side until he had enough so he could leave and never look back—finally find himself. From the moment he’d seen the potential of monetizing his skills, he’d decided he could finally take control of his life in a way that wouldn’t influence anyone else—in a way that wouldn’t inconvenience his brother.

He’d promised Michele everything, and he was going to give it to him. In all these years, that resolve had not weakened.

What had, however, changed had been his outlook on life.

More than ever, he felt himself drifting.

He’d never had something he particularly loved, or somewhere he belonged. He’d always moved with the wind, too focused on pleasing everyone around him but himself.

That was going to change. He was going to put himself first.

After he finished his degree, he would leave. He already had a pretty sum of money saved up, and it would only increase in the next two years until his graduation.

Turning on his gaming computer, he logged into his game of choice—one he used strictly for relaxation purposes. It was a simple RPG that mimicked real life but against a fantastical backdrop. The goal was to make connections and alliances and complete challenges.

And if he were honest to himself, it wasn’t the game that helped him relax. It was the friends he’d made on the other side of the screen. People who had no idea who he was or the burdens he carried—people who only knew him as his avatar, bluebird15.

‘You’re late,’ a digitized voice noted the moment he entered the chat.

‘I had to finish my assignment,’ he excused himself. ‘The others aren’t online, either,’ he pointed out.

There were four people in their group chat, but aside from him only another one was currently online—curiouscat26.

Out of everyone, his relationship with curiouscat26 was the most tense, as they often bickered about everything, from the choice of clothing of their avatars, to their interactions with other teams in the game. Somehow, they were never on the same page.

At times, he was sure Curiouscat was doing things on purpose just to get a rise out of him. Tiger and Ginny usually served as a buffer between the two of them. And now that they were the only ones present on the server, he could bet mayhem would be unleashed.

He almost groaned out loud.

Still, these were the few times in his day when he could be himself—speak like himself. He’d become so used with his stutter that now normal words posed a challenge for him, and he sometimes slipped into his role without even realizing.

He was just…lost. There, he admitted it to himself. He was fucking lost, and he didn’t know how to find himself—if that was a possibility at all.

‘Tiger is dealing with some stuff at home and Ginny has a doctor appointment. You’re stuck with me today, Blue,’ curiouscat26 said.

‘Right, just my luck,’ he grumbled under his breath.

‘What was that?’

‘Nothing. Absolutely nothing,’ he smiled. Curiouscat was feisty. He didn’t know if she was a woman, or a man pretending to be a woman, as sometimes that happened, but she had a pretty volatile temper. Still, he couldn’t deny that for all their bickering, curiouscat was entertaining. She’d made him laugh on days he hadn’t thought himself capable of any levity, and she certainly always helped him immerse himself in the game and forget the outside world for a few hours.

They’d all met in the game a while back. Curiouscat had already teamed up with Tiger and Ginny, and together they’d reached out to him to complete the team. Back then he’d been a solo player, his experience enough to help him get by. But after a little back and forth and a correct solution to a tricky riddle, he’d accepted to join them. The final formation consisted of two girls and two guys, though he had no idea if any of the people on the other side of the screen were who they said they were.

He, himself, was an impostor. He couldn’t discount on everyone else being one either.

‘Good,’ a pause. ‘We shouldn’t start without the others, right?’ she asked, slight hesitation in her voice.

The game itself came with a system that allowed for easy anonymity. While they talked to each other via their headsets, their voices were changed inside the game so they wouldn’t be recognizable outside of it.

Curiouscat had an annoyingly high-pitched voice that more often than not gave Raf a headache, though he didn’t know if it was the effect on the voice or the fact that he just disliked the person behind it. Though, technically, dislike was too strong of a word. It was something more like…antipathy.

They only ever played in their original formation, since it was a moot point to have only half the team. Raf could see why curiouscat wouldn’t want to continue without them.

‘Then I’ll log off. Talk to you next time,’ he said, his hands already on his headset to remove it.

‘Wait,’ she burst out. ‘You’re really leaving?’

‘Well, if the others aren’t around and we can’t actually play, why would I stay?’

‘I don’t know… To talk?’

There was a hopeful quality to the tone that made Raf pause.

‘About what?’

Although they all got along in the game, they’d set some rules from the beginning, the most important one being not asking any personal questions or prying in the others’ lives.

At the same time, Raf suspected they were all in the same boat. They had no one in the outside world and simply relied on digital friendships. Certainly, something about the way curiouscat said those words struck a chord in him.

‘Is blue really your favorite color?’ she suddenly asked, the question so inane it made him smile.

He could sense another person in need of company.

‘No, my favorite color is violet,’ he answered cheekily.

‘Violet? Why isn’t your handle violetbird then?’

‘It sounded too girly.’

‘Oh, so you wanted to make sure people knew you’re a guy. Are you trying to pick up girls in the game?’ she sounded scandalized, and Raf could barely hold back a grin.

‘So what if I am? I’m clearly not trying to pick you up,’ he fired back.

‘What if I told you I have violet eyes?’

‘I’m sure you don’t have violet eyes.’

‘How do you know? I very well could. Would that make you fall for me, then?’

‘There is no such thing as violet eyes,’ he smiled. ‘Unless you’re an anime girl.’

‘Maybe I am,’ she shot back in indignation. ‘But maybe, I really have violet eyes.’

‘Is it because I said it’s my favorite color? Come one, curiouscat, don’t tell me you‘ve fallen for me?’ he chuckled.

A pause.

‘Why would I?’ she replied in a very even tone. ‘I’d have to be a masochist to fall for someone who enjoys making fun of me all the time,’ she said with a huff.

‘And now you’re stalling. What’s wrong, curiouscat?’ Raf eventually asked, recognizing that she wouldn’t engage him in conversation if there wasn’t anything bothering her.

‘I…’ she sighed. ‘Just family stuff. I guess I needed a moment of normality before going back to the real world.’

‘What happened?’ he inquired, forgetting momentarily about their rules. She sounded so forlorn, in a way echoing his own loneliness that he couldn’t help himself.

‘Can’t say. Rule one, remember?’ her voice was soft, as if she was regretting the presence of the rule but needing to abide by it anyway.

‘Circumvent it,’ he pushed on. ‘Leave out the recognizable details.’

She was quiet for a moment, and Raf didn’t know if she was going to say anything. Odd how they’d always been at each other’s throats online yet now he wanted to be there for her—at least for a little while.

Due to its marked absence in his life, he knew what it was like to wish for someone to talk to but having no one.

He heard her intake of breath.

‘Suppose your family is trying to force you to do something. Against your will. Something that benefits them but only hurts you…’

‘Don’t do it,’ Raf immediately said. He had enough experience with that and knew the repercussions of choosing to do only what other people wanted of him. ‘Don’t sacrifice yourself for them.’

‘But what if there’s…no way out? What if it’s something that you’ve been told you need to do your entire life?’

Raf closed his eyes, his lips flattened into a thin line.

‘I don’t know what it is you’re talking about, but from experience, I can tell you that doing what other people want to the detriment of what you want will only end badly. Don’t sacrifice yourself for anyone, curiouscat. No one deserves that much. Just like you don’t deserve to be put in that position.’

He thought he heard a sniffle.

‘You’re not that bad, are you, Blue?’ she tried to imbue some cheerfulness into her voice.

He merely smiled against his mic.

‘I don’t know if I can refuse. Not this. I depend on them for everything and… Agh,’ she cried out. ‘Why the hell is life so difficult?’

‘What would be the fun if it was simple?’ he retorted, surprising himself with the words. ‘I’ve lived with that dilemma my entire life, whether I should please my parents, or my siblings, or myself. Instead of choosing one clear path, I tried to split myself into three, change myself for every one of them so they would all be happy at the end of the day.’

‘And how did that end up for you?’

‘Maybe they were happy, for a time. But it all imploded. And when it did, it blew in my face.’

‘I’m sorry,’ she said quietly. ‘How did you manage to change it?’

‘I didn’t. I’m still doing it, bending to everyone’s whims but my own. And trust me, curiouscat, it’s fucking exhausting.’

‘I can imagine,’ her voice lost some of its previous high pitch, the tone warmer, softer. If he closed his eyes, he could even feel a slight sweet taste. ‘I can see the road they want me to take—I can see it clearly even though I have no idea what awaits me there. All I know is that I won’t be…me. And I happen to like myself as I am, thank you very much.’

Raf chuckled. There it was, the usual curiouscat he knew.

‘You must be the only one,’ he muttered under his breath, but it was a light teasing, and she didn’t take it to heart either.

‘So what? At least I like myself. How many people are there that can’t even stand to look at themselves in the mirror? I am quite aware of my qualities and flaws, and I would say I have more qualities than flaws.’

He felt her words like an arrow to the heart. How many times had he looked into the mirror and seen himself as the impostor he was? Hell, he barely knew himself, what was there to like if he couldn’t even identify who he was?

‘There, there, curiouscat. Aren’t you going a little overboard? You should wait for someone else to sing you praises. It doesn’t look good if you do it yourself,” he laughed in an effort to chase away the awkwardness.

‘Maybe you should be more comfortable in your own skin,’ she said it so blatantly, it wasn’t meant to be an insult. Yet to Raf, that was exactly what it was.

Because he wasn’t comfortable in his skin. Far from it.

He looked how he wanted people to perceive him. Nothing more, nothing less. The real tragedy was that he wouldn’t even let himself dream of what he’d wish he looked like. He was too afraid to put that image in his head when he knew it might never come true.

Yet if he closed his eyes, he could see. He’d like to gain some pounds, maybe turn them into muscle. He’d like to straighten his posture, walk to his full height. And hell, the biggest wish was that he wanted to behave everywhere like he did now—without a care in the world.

‘You’re right,’ he accepted. ‘I’m not comfortable in my skin,’ he admitted his deepest secret. Why, he couldn’t tell.

He was aware that his features were passable enough. He’d always been complimented on his eyes and complexion. But because of his lifestyle, he was too thin, his cheeks hollowed out, his bones sticking out and making him look entirely unappealing.

There were so many things standing in his way, he didn’t see how he could one day reach his ideal—he just couldn’t.

‘I—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you if it’s something you’re sensitive about,’ she quickly said, her tone apologetic.

A sad smile pulled at his lips.

‘It’s ok. It’s the truth. I’m not comfortable with who I am.’

‘Why don’t you change it then? I’m sure if you put in the effort…’

‘I can’t,’ he sighed. ‘Remember those family expectations of yours? I’m in the same boat. I’m just trying to please everyone,’ he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

‘I’m sorry,’ she apologized again.

He could tell she was sorry for bringing it up. And soon, she switched the topic, approaching lighter subjects and doing her best to make him laugh, teasing him and bickering with him in a way that would bring them back to a comfortable footing.

He appreciated that.

She’d been the one looking for advice for her issue and she’d ended up tending to his tender sensibilities.

‘Fuck, but what type of man am I?’ he muttered, frustrated, as he put his headset down. Curiouscat had gone to bed early, and he’d logged off as well.

In spite of their previous history in the game, the conversation had flowed well, and he’d felt a sense of kinship the likes he hadn’t felt in a long time—maybe forever.

For the rest of the night, he simply logged into his other game, working all his frustrations and grievances in the virtual environment as he challenged everyone he could find for battle.

It wasn’t a solution to his problems, but it was a damn good way of blowing some steam.

And as usual, he ended up spending the night away, sleeping in the following day and barely making it to class on time.

He hunched his shoulders as he stepped inside the classroom, taking a seat somewhere in the back and laying his stuff on his desk. Getting his glasses from their case, he pushed them over his nose as his eyes skittered to the clock on the wall. Five minutes. He’d barely made it in time.

It was odd how it was in the days he never had anything particular to do that he would waste his time and squander his sleep for absolutely no reason.

Now, after hours of having his eyes stuck to a screen, he felt worn out. He hadn’t even eaten for the day, merely getting out of bed and hurrying to class.

‘Rafaelo, right?’ Someone asked from his side. He turned his head slowly, recognizing the guy as Steve, one of his colleagues from freshman orientation.

He nodded.

‘Haven’t seen you in a while, dude,’ he chuckled, laying his own materials on the desk.

“I-I’ve been busy,’ he said slowly.

Whenever he forced his stammer, he also had to slow his words so he wouldn’t butcher his routine. It was all practice, and speed never helped.

‘I can see that,’ he laughed as he pointed to his notebook filled with scribbles. It was mostly battle strategies for his upcoming game, but Steve probably thought he was the type to write down every single word the professor uttered.

And in a lifetime ago, maybe he’d been.

Now, it wasn’t expected of him, just as it wasn’t expected of him to be the best.

Due to his learning disabilities, he had extra time for assignments and during exams, everyone babying him in their own way.

He’d stopped minding it a long time ago, yet he could never shake the way some still regarded him with pity, as if people who had a harder time learning weren’t people at all.

But that had been the main lesson he’d learned throughout the years. People didn’t show you their true faces when you were strong. They did it when you were weak. Oh, and how they delighted in doing it.

Armed with that knowledge, he’d avoided making any friendships at college, having some acquaintances, but mostly keeping to himself unless it was strictly necessary to team up with someone for a class.

Class started and Steve didn’t bother him further, which pleased Raf. The less people he talked to, the less he had to pretend.

Yet when the clock struck sharp and the professor ended the lesson, Steve turned to him once more.

‘There’s a party tonight at my frat, why don’t you come, too? It’s gonna be fun.’

Raf blinked, taken completely unaware.

He’d been invited to parties before, mostly in his freshman year. And though he’d had some intrinsic curiosity about them since he’d only seen college parties in movies, he’d had to refuse every invite. He was still living at home back then, and Cosima would never allow him to attend anything as scandalous or that could put him in danger.

“I-I’ll think a-about it,’ he said before he could help himself.

Steve grinned and patted him on the back before he left, leaving with Raf the instructions to get to the party if he decided to come.

Raf didn’t know why he hadn’t refused it. What would he be doing at a party other than embarrass himself? Maybe if he were anyone other than himself… But he could never afford to slip out of character. Should anyone find out, it would be the end of everything as he knew it.

His thoughts soured for the rest of the day, mostly because deep down, he was curious about the party. He wanted to be a normal teenager for once, go out and have fun. He wanted…what he couldn’t have.

He spent the first hour in his dorm room staring at the walls and debating what he should do. He clearly knew the answer—he should not go. Yet he still warred with himself because of that deep rooted desire to be normal, or as normal as he could for one night.

Though it was not the time to meet his friends in the game, he logged on.

They had a schedule that they all abided by, especially since they’d agreed on no personal details. Yet now more than ever Raf felt the need to talk to someone, to…

And there it was.

Curiouscat26 was online.

He thought about it once. Twice. The third time he just pressed her icon, opening her chat.

‘What are you up to, Blue?’ her suspicious tone rang out in his headset.

‘I didn’t realize you had no life, too, Curiouscat,’ he shot back.

She grumbled something.

‘At least you admit you don’t have one either.”

‘Well, as a matter of fact I’m about to have one. I was invited to a party,’ he retorted smugly.

‘A party for clowns? Ha, ha, good try. It doesn’t count.’

‘A frat party, you fool. Not that you’d know what that is.’

‘I’ve watched American Pie. I know exactly what that is,’ she said accusatorially.

Interesting. That at least told Raf she’d never been to college. He assumed she was around his age from what they had talked, but neither had ever revealed a number. That would be too personal.

‘Watching and going to one are two completely different things. Nerd,’ he didn’t know why he said that, mostly because he wanted to one up her, but the word came out teasingly, almost too teasingly.

‘Well, if you’re so busy what are you doing on the server? Go to your frat party and leave me alone,’ she mumbled in annoyance.

‘It’s a Friday night. You’re really not doing anything?’ He felt compelled to ask as he detected a hint of sadness in her voice.

‘My family is strict,’ she said matter-of-factly. ‘I can’t go out as I like.’

He nodded in understanding. He knew what that was like. If he’d been living at home, his mother would have never allowed him to go anywhere.

‘Well, I’ll think about you at the party,’ he forced a laugh.

‘You’re not going anywhere, are you?’

‘What do you mean, of course I am!’

‘Come on, Blue. I rather think we’re more alike than you care to admit,’ she added, almost chastising him.

And it was this precise reason why he thought she was around the same age as him, maybe older. She displayed a maturity and self-awareness that he hadn’t encountered before. And it fascinated him.

‘I was invited to one, ok?’ he eventually admitted. ‘But I’m not sure I’m going yet. Maybe…’ he mumbled under his breath.

‘Why wouldn’t you go? Go out and have fun for us mere mortals too. You can come back and tell me if American Pie lied or not about what goes there.’

‘I’m not sure,’ he sighed. ‘I don’t know anyone there. I’m not…popular,’ he forced the words out, admitting his weakness.

‘So? Does it matter what they think? You’re not going there to make them happy. You’re going there for yourself. So put on your big boy pants and go!’

‘You’re very bossy, aren’t you?’ he smiled.

‘Damn, Blue, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for me already,’ she chided playfully.

‘No way. You’re not my type. I happen to like shy, meek girls,’ he retorted, though he didn’t have the vaguest idea about what he liked. And if he were honest with himself, curiouscat wasn’t so bad. She was…real. As ironic as that sounded, she was more real than anyone he’d ever met, regardless that she was just a digitized voice coming out of his computer.

‘Of course you would. You need someone to submit to your tyrannical will, don’t you?’ she asked pointedly, but somewhere along the line, their bickering had lost its edge. It was now a comfortable teasing that didn’t fail to put a smile on his face.

‘Are you offering?’

‘In your dreams,’ she huffed. ‘Now log off and go party! I’ll be waiting for your stories.’

No sooner did she finish her words than her avatar went offline.

Rafaelo supposed it was her way of emphasizing he needed to go out into the world. And maybe… Maybe he did.

He spent another hour dithering before he finally decided to give it a try.

After all, how bad could it be?

Taking a shower, he chose a pair of dark jeans and a clean, white shirt. He’d heard that the polite etiquette to such parties was to bring something to drink, so before he headed to the party, he made a stop at a liquor shop that didn’t card. He didn’t have a fake ID, and he didn’t want to go through the trouble of getting one—not when he risked being found out by his family. And that was the last thing he needed.

He bought a bottle of the more expensive vodka he could find to show his thanks for the invite before going to the frat house.

By the time he made it there, he was right on the dot.

And the house was…kind of empty.

‘Rafaelo, good on you to come!’ Steve greeted him, coming down the stairs and shaking his hand. ‘And damn, you really went for it,’ he whistled as he regarded the bottle of alcohol.

“T-thank you,’ he strained a smile, keeping up his act as he strode deeper into the house.

‘It’s a bit early still, but why don’t you grab a drink and mingle?’ Steve advised, almost absentmindedly before going somewhere else.

Raf blinked, a little confused, but he did as Steve said, going to the bar and getting himself a glass of jungle juice.

He wrinkled his nose at the red liquid, but took a sip, surprised to note the fruity taste as well as the almost nonexistent alcohol.

If he’d come so far, he might as well try to enjoy himself.

The music was blaring out loudly, and soon more people started to trickle in.

He kept to his spot on the couch, nursing the same glass of jungle juice as he observed everyone.

Considering he didn’t know anyone aside from Steve, no one really minded him. Especially with how he looked, huddled in his seat, his glasses askew on his nose, his blonde locks covering most of his face.

‘I haven’t seen you around.’

He whipped his head around, noting the presence of a girl on the couch. She was also holding a drink in her hand, sipping casually as she assessed him.

“I-it’s m-my first t-time,’ he strained a smile.

‘Really?’ she intoned, her voice grating on his nerves. There was something oddly fake about the cadence of her voice, a bitter taste erupting on his tongue. ‘Then aren’t I lucky?’ she continued, coming a little closer.

Raf kept his ground, merely nodding as she started talking about some subject he’d never heard of. But he wasn’t paying much attention, his eyes skittering around the room as he took in the deluge of people, all moving their bodies to the music.

The room started to fog up as more and more people came inside, and the couch was a tight fit.

‘You didn’t tell me your name,’ the girl suddenly said, her hand on his thigh. Out of pure reflex, he jumped up, spilling his glass off jungle juice all over his white shirt in the process.

‘Damn,’ he gave a low mutter. The girl’s eyes widened, and she seemed a little put off with him as she soon redirected her attention to someone else. Just as well since Raf had no interest in her. And as he walked a little around the room, he realized he had no interest in what was going on around him either. He’d witnessed enough to realize it wasn’t quite his scene.

He didn’t get to exit the room, though, as he came face to face with Steve, who looked a little worse for the wear than before.

‘Rafaelo! My man,’ he yelled to be heard over the music. ‘Come, let’s get you a drink.’

Raf was about to tell him that he’d had his drink and he’d spilled it too. But before he could say anything, he found himself led to another room where there were only guys drinking and laughing and smoking.

‘This is my friend Rafaelo,’ Steve made the introductions, saying he’d met Raf in one of his classes while adding a few embellishments to make their relationship seem closer than it was. Why, Raf couldn’t tell.

He was too confused by everything going on around him, and when he was offered another glass of alcohol, he simply accepted.

The worst was yet to come. Because one glass became two, then three, and then Raf lost count.

He realized he didn’t have to speak, most of the other guys doing the talking for him as they boasted about the chicks they fucked, at some point all laughing when they realized they’d fucked the same one.

‘We have a tradition here,’ Steve told Raf. ‘If a girl fucks all the brothers in a class, she gets to make a wish,’ he chuckled, saying the girl they were talking about had one more guy to fuck before she’d reach that level.

Raf merely smiled, taking a big gulp of his drink.

His insides were fuzzy.

He was no stranger to alcohol, and he’d had his fair share of blackout moments in the past, most due to drinking to forget the pain of being stabbed. He’d always refused to drink with his father’s men for fun, but he found the activity to be much more pleasant than he had imagined. Especially now that he was with normal guys his age.

And as he got drunker and drunker, his stammer gave way to a natural slur that did not take into account his made-up persona.

‘Rafaelo,’ Steve started, but Raf held up a hand.

‘Raf.’

‘Raf,’ Steve smiled. ‘You’re not joining in?’ he asked as he brought a bottle of vodka to fill Raf’s already half-empty glass. He didn’t even notice, bringing it to his lips for another sip as he tried to make sense of what Steve required of him.

‘What do you mean?’ he asked slowly, the words almost escaping him.

Only then did he notice that more people had joined in, some girls too.

‘We’re playing never have I ever. You know how to play, right?’

Raf nodded. He had an idea.

‘Perfect!’ Steve clapped. ‘Greg, you start,’ he pointed to the guy on the other side.

‘Never have I ever fucked outside,’ he grinned as he watched everyone around.

Raf blinked, and for a split of a second, he didn’t know whether to drink or not. But then, he supposed that drinking was the punishment if he had not done it.

So, he drank.

Everyone was quiet for a second, regarding him funnily before they moved on.

‘Never have I ever…’ the guy looked around, almost as if he wanted to ask something sneaky, ‘gotten into a knife fight.’

A low sigh escaped Raf as he didn’t drink this time. Maybe he’d be lucky, and he won’t have to drink for all rounds.

No one else drank either, eliciting a laugh from the guy who asked the question.

The next person went.

‘Never have I ever smoked weed,’ he laughed as he popped a joint into his mouth and lit it up.

Everyone but Raf drank. He frowned. He’d smoked with his father’s men. But why was everyone drinking? Including those who were clearly smoking now.

The questions continued, all involving sex, acts of vandalism and things that seemed to be regarded as cool by everyone.

Raf was already so gone that even if he wanted to lie, he wouldn’t have been able.

Steve’s turn was up, and Raf regarded him with slight apprehension, knowing that soon it would be him who had to come up with a question.

‘Never have I ever been in an orgy,’ Steve said, looking around expectantly.

Raf, who clearly hadn’t, went ahead to drink, realizing too late that everyone was staring at him—including Steve.

‘You’ve been in an orgy,’ he blinked, taken aback.

‘Of c-course not,’ Raf answered, flustered.

‘Then why are you drinking?’

‘Oh, no, he must have thought you drank if you haven’t done it.’

‘Wait, wait,’ another guy put his hand up, standing on wobbly feet. ‘You mean you’ve gotten into a knife fight?’

Raf blinked in confusion, slowly nodding. His head was already swimming in alcohol, his confidence suddenly soaring.

‘No shit!’ more noise.

‘Did you get hit?’

‘Show us!’

A chorus of voices joined in until it was hard for him to make sense of who was talking. He was vaguely aware of lifting his shirt to show some of the faded marks on his torso.

Everyone was cheering him on, and he lost count of the people who tried to talk to him. For an outsider, he was suddenly very much in. So much so that he was once more plied with alcohol until he could barely think coherently.

It was a few hours later that he finally excused himself and left the frat house. At the height of his euphoria, he felt very pleased with himself and how the interaction had gone. He even wagered he might have made some new friends.

Exiting the house straight onto the main road, he squinted as he tried to make sense of where exactly he was. His sight was foggy, his brain even more so.

Regardless, as he wobbled down the street, he couldn’t not stop every five feet and pick up all the bottles and other types of trash he could find and put them back where they belonged—in trashcans and recycle bins.

At that moment, all he could think of was his civic duty to ensure the cleanliness of the city.

But that wasn’t the only one.

As he waited for the light to turn green so he could cross the street, he spotted an elderly woman doing the same a few feet next to him.

He blinked twice as a bright bulb lit up in his brain—an opportunity to excel at his civic duty. The moment the light turned, he wasted no time in grabbing the elderly woman’s arm, giving her a charming smile and proceeding to help—drag—her across the street.

Her protests were only muffled by Rafaelo’s mumbled words as he could not even properly convey his intentions.

Instead of let me help you, the sound that came out of his mouth was more like.

‘Lebe hell-u.’

Which, of course, the elderly woman misinterpreted as a threat, especially given Rafaelo’s half-smile since one side of his face was entirely numb from the excess of alcohol. Her eyes widening, she swatted him in the head with her bag, pushing him off her and running away—or as best as she could, given her age.

Raf was stumped.

He was left staring at the woman’s retreating figure as his brain tried to catch up with everything.

Why had she hit him? He’d only meant to help her.

The more he pondered, the more he frowned, and he spent several minutes trying to get to the bottom of it before shrugging and deciding he needed to get home.

He was rounding the corner to his building when he heard a scream. With so much vodka in his system, he felt almost invincible. Which meant he thought of nothing else but diving headfirst into danger. After all, someone needed help, and he was always up for offering help. It was just that he didn’t know when to say no.

Raf was swaying from side to side, his eyes barely making out the shapes in the dark. Yet that didn’t stop him from charging immediately when he realized it was a woman struggling against two men. They had her backed against the wall of the building, one of them with his hands on his belt while the other was hiking her skirt up.

Maybe if he’d been sober, he would have done things differently. But as it stood, his first instinct was to get involved and help the woman before he could think things out.

And so, he charged.

Ungracefully.

A little gauche.

He was, after all, barely holding himself together. Yet his inherent sense of justice dictated he should do something.

The girl gave a loud yelp as Raf went for the guy who was trying to undress her. He rushed with a fist to the man’s jaw, all the while trying to avoid the other one laying hits on his body. It was a cacophony of sounds, grunts and groans as everyone hit the others.

But what was odd was the fact that the girl wasn’t leaving. She wasn’t running for her life. Instead, she was yelling at Raf to let them go, slapping his back and trying to intervene in the scuffle.

If he’d been sober, maybe that would have registered as a red flag. As it stood, he didn’t really see it as a suspicious sign. He only believed her to be frightened, clawing her way out and trying to harm the bad men by herself too.

Admirable, in his view, but foolish.

A fist landed on his face. One in his stomach. He landed a few of his own, too. But it was all such a back and forth that no one was winning.

Until the sirens blared.

The men, aware of what that meant, were trying to disentangle themselves, but Raf wouldn’t let go. In the back of his mind, he heard the police sirens and somehow honed in on that thought, knowing he couldn’t let go until they showed up so the perpetrators could be punished for attempting to assault the woman.

Yet when the police car drew to a halt, the officers coming out of it, it wasn’t the two men who got placed in the back of the car.

It was Raf.

In his drunken stupor, he hadn’t heard the men defending themselves and pointing out Raf as the aggressor. And with how drunk he was, the police didn’t even question it.

He mumbled some things in his defense, none coherent enough to be taken seriously.

And that was how Rafaelo ended up being placed in a cell for the rest night. After all, the police couldn’t deal very well with someone so inebriated.

It was in the early hours of the morning that Raf woke up, startled to find himself cold and without his blanket. As he opened his eyes, he recognized he was not in his dorm, and that his surroundings appeared rather bleak.

His state of mind became even worse as he was told why he’d been arrested, and that his parents had been notified.

At that news, he was one step away from punching himself for what an idiot he’d been.

Especially since it wasn’t long before his mother’s shrill voice rang into the station, his father’s low mutter following soon after.

‘My poor darling. What did you do to him?’ She accused the policemen, one step away from doing them bodily harm as she saw the state Raf was in.

His white shirt was still stained with red from the jungle juice. Along the way, though, he’d also collected some dirt and grime marks, making him look like he hadn’t bathed in weeks. And as Cosima stepped into his cell, hurrying to hug her precious baby, it was to be hit by the nauseating smell of alcohol.

‘Raf, what happened?’ she drew a sharp breath, worry evident in her eyes.

Raf didn’t know where to start.

Damn it, but his one night out wasn’t supposed to end like that. He wanted a brief reprieve from his lonely existence, not a stint in jail for reasons he still didn’t fully comprehend. And he told his mother that much too—a little more embellished, of course.

He emphasized the fact that he wanted to make friends, so he’d accepted an invite to a party and he’d drank a little more than his share—none of it untrue.

She listened attentively, nodding. He could see right away as her focus shifted, from outrage to pity.

For all the love in the world she carried him, there were moments where he could see the pity in her gaze and the disappointment that her previous son would never live a normal life. Yet she’d never told him that. She’d accepted him with his faults and all the issues that came with his condition.

It was a bit startling to realize that his mother, the woman who’d schemed and plotted her entire life to get him on top, would be ok with not fulfilling that dream.

But if there was one thing his condition had helped him with, it had been to see the true of his mother’s affection. Yes, she was an awful person—had been awful to everyone but him. Yet no matter how much he hated her for her part in his brother’s suffering, he couldn’t shake the inherent love he had for her—and he probably never would.

He saw her as she was. Flawed.

That didn’t make her any less his mother just like that didn’t make her any less guilty for everything she’d done.

And that was a dilemma he warred with on a daily basis.

His mother continued to baby him while his father dealt with the logistics of his arrest. It wasn’t long before he was let go, but not because of his family’s influence. Simply because the arrest had been a fluke.

Though Raf had been drunk out of his mind, and he had been the one to initiate the brawl, he’d acted as he rightly believed someone was in danger. The CCTV showed why Raf might have thought the men were about to hurt the woman and he’d been given a slap on the wrist when the other participants had been called in, all confessing it had been some kind of kinky game between the three of them.

Raf had to reluctantly agree that it now made sense why the woman hadn’t run, instead turning on him.

‘My darling boy, you can’t do that from now on. How can I let you live by yourself if this is what you get yourself in…’ his mother continued to drone on and on, coming with him to his dorm to see him settled. Deep down in her heart, she actually wanted to get him to pack his bags and return to living at home with her.

‘You know how lonely I get,’ she sighed, sitting on his bed and watching him with sorrowful eyes.

“B-but t-that’s a t-two h-hour r-ride,’ he’d made the excuse, making himself smaller in his chair and hoping his mother would eventually tire of watching his pitiful self and would finally leave him alone so he could die of embarrassment.

‘I know, baby boy,’ she pursed her lips. ‘I just worry about you all the time.’

“I-I c-come h-home m-most wee-kends,’ he tried to explain.

And he did. Two or three weekends a month he was home. Was it so bad that he wanted some time to himself?

‘Oh, Raf, what am I going to do with you?’ Cosima lamented, taking him in her arms for a tight hug.

They talked a little more, or Cosima talked more as she tried to convince him to come home. When she realized it was in vain, she finally relented and left him at his dorm with the promise he wouldn’t get himself into trouble again.

He happily agreed. He didn’t think he’d want a repeat of the other night either, even though all the events were sort of a blur. He remembered the party, he even remembered the fight, but it was like he was a spectator in his own body.

The worst was the nausea he couldn’t shake even after a hot shower and a warm meal, his head throbbing, his whole body aching from where he’d been hit.

He was lucky he’d only gotten a few bruises to his face, because if his mother had seen his torso and the many discolorations that marred it, she would have never allowed him to remain. Raf knew how his mother’s brain worked, and if she got it in her head that her son was in danger, then there was no convincing her otherwise.

He tended to his injuries himself, taking some painkillers and finally laying down in bed to get some rest, not realizing as he slept the day and night away.

When he next awoke, it was already Sunday, and his mood hadn’t improved. On the contrary, with the alcohol completely flushed out of his system, he felt even more alienated from everyone around him.

All he could think of was that he was a farce. And he didn’t know anymore how not to be one.

He spent the day finishing his assignments for the following week and decided to forgo going online. For some reason, he felt his inadequacy to the depth of his soul, the way he was doomed to live a life that wasn’t his own—that would never be his own.

It wasn’t even self-loathing that governed him, though he’d experienced plenty of that in the past. Now it was a simple loathing of the present and of the status quo. It was a dislike of himself and the person he showed to the world but more than anything it was a hopelessness that led to minor bouts of depression that he could barely shake himself out of.

And at that moment, he felt another one coming.

The last time he’d felt like that, Raf had stayed locked inside his room for an entire summer, his routine alternating between sleeping and his computer. He’d go through periods of not eating and almost starving himself, and then he’d switch to the other extreme, eating too much and unable to stop himself.

Now, he could feel himself plummeting again, and Friday night had only served to show him what he was missing, the friends and connection he could make but would forever be out of reach.

Yet he still had one more surprise waiting for him as he went to his classes the following Monday. People were giving him odd glances, furtively laughing at him, their eyes crinkling with unknown amusement.

He noticed, but he didn’t know it was directed at him.

Squaring his shoulders, he kept his head down as he took a seat, opening his notebook and scribbling down the date.

‘Did you see? I think it’s him.’

‘It’s definitely him,’ someone from another row laughed.

He blinked in confusion, especially as more people joined in, secretly watching something on their phones and turning to Raf to laugh about it.

It continued to his next class too, until he finally saw Steve, who decided to tell Raf the scoop.

‘Here, isn’t this crazy?’ Steve asked with a laugh, clicking play on a video that showcased Raf’s drunk ass making a fool of himself at the frat party. He didn’t remember that part of the evening, but from the looks of it, some people had dared him to do silly things like dancing on the bar or waiting with his mouth open for an entire bucket of jungle juice to be shoved down his throat.

He felt ill just looking at the videos. But there was more.

Someone had filmed him getting into a fight after the party and had shared the video to the entire campus. The only issue was that no one was calling him a hero or saying he had done a great thing by trying to save a woman from being attacked.

Everyone was calling him lame, a pervert and a creep. As the story went, he had been the one to harass the girl and the other guys had only tried to put a stop to it.

He was being painted in the worst light, and everyone bought it. Suddenly, he was the lowlife, not the men who’d orchestrated the entire scene, and who had conveniently disappeared at this time.

Because of his usual odd manner accompanied by his stutter, the consensus was clear. Raf was the creep.

Suddenly, all the giggles and furtive glances made sense.

They were laughing at him.

Everyone was laughing at him.

The narrative was already set. He had behavioral issues so he could never get a girl, and that was the root of his frustration. The videos only showed his increased thirst for validation and the fact that he was a freak.

‘Man, you shouldn’t have gone that far,’ Steve continued. ‘Stacy told me you tried to pull some moves on her, too,’ he shook his head in disappointment. ‘Word of advice, learn how to read the room and when a girl’s not into you,’ he said before he left a flabbergasted Raf standing alone in the center of the campus.

And everyone was laughing.

He felt ill.

He barely held it together as he hurried to his room, away from all the derisive laughter that followed him around.

Opening the door to his room, he locked himself inside, his breathing out of control, his heart pounding in his chest. He felt…disgusted with himself.

Absolutely appalled that he’d let himself fall that low and for what? For a little attention? Without the alcohol fogging his mind he could see that everyone was entertaining him, not out of some kindness or some absurd interest, but merely so they could make fun of him.

A bitter laugh escaped him. Curiouscat had been right. He’d been their clown.

Ripping at his clothes, he threw them around as he stumbled into the shower, the water pouring down on him just as he broke down, his emotions reaching the surface and making him fall to his knees with the intensity of his frustration. His arms on the cold tiles of the wall, he let the water wash over him, tears trickling down his cheeks as he let out a low howl.

In that moment, he hated everything.

He hated his life, and he hated his past.

But more than anything, he detested his own damn self. Because it was all his fault. No one had forced him to do anything.

From the very beginning, he’d done things out of his misguided sense of justice—one that always backfired on him.

He’d always held on to his ideals, thinking himself above everything because he could use cold logic in his judgment, reaching a conclusion objectively, rather than being ruled by emotion. After all, he’d been reared that way. To prioritize facts over emotions.

Yet deep down, he’d never been able to separate the two. Not when he’d had to make the biggest decision in his life and, clearly, he’d made the wrong one.

He’d hurt the one person in his life who’d trusted him unconditionally. And that… That still ate him up on the inside, the guilt threatening to drown him worse than the water pouring down on him, or his tears that made his eyes sting, or his screams that made his throat ache. Nothing could hurt him more than he’d hurt himself.

He could still remember his childhood, the time when everything had been perfect—or, retrospectively, as perfect as could be. When Gianna had still been with them. When Michele had regarded Raf as his protector—as his true brother.

It had been the most beautiful period of his life. Raf doubted he’d ever know happiness as he’d known then.

The memories of Michele drawing him personalized characters, or Gianna hugging him and telling him she was proud of him hurt just as they made him happy. They hurt so fucking bad and made the anguish he felt even more intolerable.

And who was to blame for everything he’d lost?

Him. Just…him.

‘Why? Why, why, why?’ he screamed as he threw his fists against the wall, hurting no one but himself. Yet he needed that—he deserved it.

He was on the brink, and he knew it. Though he was living daily with regret, guilt and disappointment, over the years he’d found a modicum of balance by putting it aside. After all, that was his coping mechanism. Locking stuff away and dealing with bits at a time, making sure he wasn’t wholly overwhelmed.

Yet the disadvantage was that there were times like this, when everything just came crashing down. When just a little push made everything tumble down on him, unleashing a river of anguish so strong, he didn’t know how to put himself together again.

He had to give it to Steve and everyone else mocking him.

Raf was a loser. He was a loser of his own making, and wasn’t that the worst?

It didn’t matter how smart, how capable, or how responsible he was?

Somewhere along the way, he’d lost the notion that he was anything but a loser. He’d lost sight of everything in his life as he’d focused only on the bad.

The incident on campus only served to emphasize the state of affairs and the fact that even something as innocuous as him going to a party could end up so disastrously.

Yet the worst wasn’t that people were mocking him, or that he’d become the laughingstock of the university. The worst was that Raf believed he deserved it.

He thought he deserved every little bad thing that happened to him. No matter how much he hoped for a normal life, or how he wished he could stop pretending, finally find his true self, he didn’t dare try it.

He didn’t deserve anything good in his life.

For that, he only had to look at his brother and the way he was actively trying to self-destruct—all a direct consequence of Raf’s decisions.

He saw Michele and he knew he deserved absolutely everything that came his way.

Time passed. He found it harder and harder to get himself together. Even as cold water washed over him, he couldn’t move from the spot.

His movements were sluggish, his entire body echoing the sentiments in his heart.

When he managed to get himself out of the bathroom, he pulled a robe tightly around his body, absorbing his heat and trying to calm the clattering of his teeth.

Yet did he deserve anything else but discomfort?

At first, he laid down on his bed, thinking to sleep everything off. But after twisting and turning, his mind too alert for that, he finally relented and opened his computer.

His intention wasn’t to talk with anyone, though deep down that was his deepest desire. Instead, he pretended he was only checking his notifications and making sure he wasn’t missing any work opportunities in the upcoming week.

No one forced him to log into his game, and definitely no one made him press on the messages icon, seeing all the missed chats.

All from curiouscat.

He blinked, a little taken aback as he scrolled through tens of messages asking if he was alright. Curiouscat actually worried about him because he hadn’t been online in a few days. She…

He didn’t know why that hit him so hard. Up until then he’d assumed if he disappeared off the face of the earth no one would mourn him aside from his mother. Maybe no one else would notice either because there was no one to care.

Yet it was startling to realize someone was actually checking in on him. His absence affected someone.

He was still staring at the screen when the call came, his fingers absentmindedly clicking to accept it. Yet it wasn’t just that, because he also reached for his headset, putting it on.

No, he wanted this—craved this.

He wanted to know he mattered for someone. He needed to know that. Why, he didn’t know. He had his mother, and that was more than a lot of people could say for themselves. Michele certainly had never had that…

He shook himself. He couldn’t go down that road again.

‘Blue? You’re there?’ a tentative voice asked.

‘I’m here,’ he answered. No teasing. No jokes. Just a calm affirmation.

‘Thank God,’ she breathed out in relief.

It struck him that for the first time her digitized voice didn’t screw with his brain as much, it didn’t sound so painful, or so contrived. It sounded…familiar.

And God knew he needed familiar at that point.

‘You’re okay? You haven’t been online in a few days, and you missed the usual time yesterday…’ she droned on, but he just smiled.

‘I’m ok. Had a little mishap along the way but I’m ok,’ he chuckled, tears at the corner of his eyes.

He didn’t know what that state was. He was laughing, yet tears kept poking at his eyes, wanting to be let free. It was the oddest thing.

‘A mishap? Don’t tell me you actually had an American Pie experience,’ Curiouscat exclaimed, scandalized.

‘Maybe? I haven’t watched the movie,’ he admitted.

‘Blasphemy! Blue, what age are you living in? How could you? Everyone’s watched American Pie!’

‘I’m not that well versed in popular culture.’

‘Ah, I knew it. You’re a nerd. Through and through, aren’t you?’

‘Guilty,’ he admitted with a low laugh.

‘Ok, we can’t have that. We need to remedy it. We’re watching American Pie.’

‘We are?’ he raised a brow, yet he didn’t contradict her. For today, at least, he wasn’t going to be his usual teasing self. He would just bask in the joy of having someone to talk to.

‘Of course we are. But first, I need to know what happened to you Friday night,’ she said, and he heard munching noises.

‘You’re eating?’

‘You bet I am. I’m all settled for your story. I have some Cheetos, the super spicy ones, and some Diet Coke by my side. So, I’m waiting.’

‘So, you like spicy food?’ He couldn’t help but ask.

‘You’re stalling. Let’s hear it. What happened?’

‘Well…’ he chuckled to himself as he gave her a quick rundown of everything that had happened and how he’d ended up in jail—for the first time ever.

‘My, it seems to me that you had quite a few firsts,’ she laughed. ‘How was jail? Damn, my brother would absolutely kill me if I ever got arrested.’

‘It was…cold. But I was too inebriated to feel it. I only felt the effects afterwards,’ he explained, though he also stored the information she shared about her brother.

‘I can’t believe that they think you’re a creep for trying to do the right thing. The people at your college sound very dumb, no offense.’

‘None taken,’ he smiled. ‘But it was also my fault for drinking too much. I didn’t realize until I saw the videos that the night wasn’t quite as I remembered it,’ he admitted, feeling comfortable enough with her to share the fact that he’d been taken for a fool.

Maybe it was the anonymity.

Under that mask, he could be his real self.

‘Those people sound awful, Blue. Why would you want to be friends with someone like that? Sorry to break it to you, but decent people don’t just bully people for no reason or take advantage of clearly drunk people. That’s an asshole move, and I think you know it, too.’

He took a moment to answer.

‘I guess I do,’ he sighed. ‘I don’t know how I’m going to show my face around from now on, considering they think I’m a pervert,’ he tried to make light of the situation.

‘Listen,’ she started, her tone serious. ‘You know that saying in vino veritas?’

‘Yup.’

‘Well, I happen to think that drunk people act as their truest selves. If your first inclination, as drunk as you were, was to save someone else other than yourself, then more power to you. Don’t listen to what others say when you know the truth, and the police records can also back that up.’

‘You’re right,’ he chuckled. ‘You’re quite the pep talker, aren’t you?’

‘I have to be. When no one else hypes you up you have to become your own hype man,’ she revealed, another piece of information that Raf carefully stored away.

‘Don’t tell me you have a lot of experience with getting drunk?’ he asked, not wanting to focus on something too personal, like why she had no one to hype her.

‘No way,’ she laughed. ‘My experience is limited to getting the last sip from a glass left on the table before the staff takes it away. I’ve never had enough to get drunk, but if I did, I don’t think my family would take it lightly,’ she laughed.

Another tidbit revealed. But then again, there could be a myriad of reasons why she wouldn’t be allowed alcohol.

‘Well, don’t. I’ll say from personal experience that it absolutely sucks the next morning.’

‘Note taken, Blue,’ she said in an amused tone. ‘But seriously, don’t mind those people. They’re just mean.’

‘Thank you,’ he eventually said. ‘For listening, and for having my back.’

‘Of course. I’ll have your back every time if you let me. It can get pretty lonely here if you’re not online.’

‘Don’t tell me you waited every day for me to appear?’ he genuinely laughed; the subject of his adventure dropped just as his spirits started to rise.

For all their previous enmity, curiouscat was easy to talk to—comfortable. He wasn’t used to that. Just like he wasn’t used to having someone to share his thoughts with. It was…disconcerting. But pleasant.

‘Not every day,’ she grumbled. ‘I don’t have that kind of time. I’m busy, you know?’

‘Are you now? I thought you wasted your time playing video games.’

‘Hey,’ she exclaimed, feigning annoyance. ‘I’ll have you know I have a very busy weekly schedule. You should consider yourself lucky that I make time for you.’

‘If you say so…’

‘I’ll even watch American Pie with you. See, I’m contributing to your education in pop culture. So, buckle up, Blue. You won’t be the same person once I’m through with you,’ she laughed, still munching on Cheetos as she pulled up a shared screen to load the movie.

‘Why do I have a feeling you’re right?’ he mumbled, amused, as the credits rolled on the screen.

A few hours later he forgot all about his worries. Curiouscat had been right in that respect. He did feel like a new person. And it wasn’t because now he had a new appreciation for American Pie. It was because he felt lighter than he had in a long time.

That movie was the first that started an almost daily routine where they would watch a movie while comment on it and have fun.

It was the best way to still keep the anonymity in place while also revealing parts of themselves they’d never shared with no one else. Because at the end of it, what did it matter if they knew the particularities of their living situations, their names, or how the other looked? They knew each other’s ideals and deepest thoughts, and that was enough. At least until they switched from comedy to thriller and noir, their discussions going deeper and deeper into human morality and the implications of life-altering decisions. They shared so much of their core selves, that the person behind the screen didn’t matter anymore.

Out of loneliness, a routine was born. Along with snacks and drinks of choice. Curiouscat always went for Diet Coke and Cheetos, while Raf opted for a less spicy version, choosing Pirate’s Booty but sticking with Diet Coke, too.

They went through at least three or four movies a week, usually saving an hour or two afterwards for an in-depth discussion.

Suddenly, Raf wasn’t so alone.

Though his guilt was always there, in the back of his mind, he finally had someone to ground him—bring him back to earth when his demons were too loud.

It didn’t take long for Curiouscat to become his best friend. And though he had no idea, it was the same for her, too.

She had her difficulties, but she always made time for Blue, her faithful friend.

TWO YEARS LATER

‘That might be my favorite one,’ Raf mentioned as he leaned back in his seat as the ending credits rolled on.

‘Really?’ Curiouscat asked.

‘Why? Are you surprised I liked it?’ he chuckled.

‘No. It’s just that it’s my favorite, too,’ she mentioned, her voice going down an octave. She’d already watched The Mummy before, and she’d suggested it playfully since Raf had been talking about some of his courses in college involving ancient history.

They alternated in choosing the entertainment, and since it had been her turn, she’d gone ahead and rented the movie for them to watch.

Raf just hadn’t expected to like it so much, even turning a blind eye at some of the historical inaccuracies.

‘Wouldn’t it be so much fun to go hunt for treasures like that?’ she sighed dreamily. ‘It sounds so…free.’

‘It does, doesn’t it?’ he smiled, imagining such an adventure for them.

‘Well, if you liked it so much, don’t come at me when I make you rewatch it in a few months,’ she giggled.

‘Why not? I think we only have a short list of movies we like to rewatch. I’m definitely willing to add this to the list.’

‘I still can’t believe this is your favorite, too,’ she said, almost in awe.

‘Now that I think about it, doesn’t it always happen this way? Last time you suggested we watched Buffy and now it’s my favorite show, too.’

‘I was so sure you’d hate it,’ she laughed. ‘It was my favorite growing up, but the CGI is not the best.’

‘But the storyline is damn addictive.’

‘You know, I never expected you to be Team Spike,’ she added after a moment, sharing a funny gif with Spike from the musical episode.

His lips drew up in a smile, browsing the gifs and sending a few of his own, most of them consisting of Spike mooning after Buffy and being clueless of his feelings.

‘Hey, Spike and Buffy work. Their feelings grew naturally, and they also had awesome teamwork. Angel was a little off from the beginning,’ he commented, grabbing a bottle of soda from his desk. He popped the lid off to take a sip before going into a tangent on why Spike was better than Angel in every way.

‘I know,’ she gushed. ‘Who wouldn’t want someone to be as obsessed with them as Spike was with Buffy? Even without a soul he loved her.’

‘Damn, Curiouscat. Don’t tell me you’ve been a closeted romantic all this time?’

They’d been talking steadily for two years now, and in all that time she’d always tried to come across as cynical towards love and relationships, but from her commentaries on different shows, he’d seen there was more to her—a part of her wanted that. But for some reason she was afraid to admit it. He wondered if she thought it would make her seem weaker in front of him since he was a guy.

‘I have not,’ she replied vehemently. ‘I just happen to believe real romance and fictional romance are two different things,’ she tried to argue in her defense. ‘Fictional romance is a place of comfort. Real romance? Nonexistent.’

‘I don’t think you’ve met the right person,’ he shot back. ‘Maybe when you do your views will change.’

Raf hadn’t met the right person either, but somewhere deep in his heart, he was still hopeful. He knew the whole world was against him, his isolation becoming harder and harder to bear as the years went by.

Yet it was times like this—friendships like this—that kept him afloat. And this relationship reminded him that everything was possible. After all, there had been a time when he’d been so hopeless, he’d never thought he was going to have a friend, never mind someone like curiouscat. For all their differences in the beginning, she’d become his best friend over the years, helping him overcome his bouts of depression and being there for him when the rest of the world was decidedly not.

He’d never crossed the line, though. He might have wondered if it was possible at one point, but he’d never wanted to do anything to make her uncomfortable. He knew how vulnerable women were on the internet, and the last thing he wanted was to come across as a creep.

They’d talked about sex and romance in abstract terms, but their conversations had never strayed into uncomfortable territory. There might have been some jokes that could border on innuendo, but they’d both kept their interactions respectful—fun.

Though he could see their relationship becoming more, he didn’t want to ruin what was already working. And by God, if she rejected him, he didn’t want to make things awkward as they would undoubtedly be.

‘Maybe,’ she answered noncommittally. ‘Anyway, you didn’t tell me how your meeting with your advisor went. Did you manage to get his signature?’

His face erupted in a smile.

Curiouscat could be so standoffish sometimes, but she was nothing if not attentive, not one detail escaping him. It was what he valued the most about their friendship. She knew how to listen, and she didn’t merely pretend to do so. No, she took notes, making sure to ask for updates and give him her honest opinions on his issues.

He was the same with her, but the exchange was heavily skewed in his favor. She shared facts about herself, certainly more than before. But there was a reluctance to go in depth about her private life that he respected, never pushing for more.

At the same time, he didn’t think he was sharing anything out of the ordinary by telling her about his scholarly projects, or the fact that he was in his last year of college and currently writing his senior dissertation.

‘Yes, I did. Finally,’ he groaned.

It had been a battle to get all the approvals for his project, since it involved using the university’s archaeological collection.

‘I can’t wait to read it,’ she told him honestly—with a hint of excitement, even.

They’d recently finished reading The Plumed Serpent by D. H. Lawrence. Though not entirely pertinent to his study, it had been a fascinating foray into the mysticism of the area. Curiouscat had been particularly taken with it, bringing it up every other day and finding new interpretations for certain passages. She was so enamored with it that Raf had once joked he would gift her a special edition with gilded pages—not that he’d already bought it.

‘You don’t even need to read it anymore,’ Raf chuckled. ‘You’ve heard me talk about it so much you’re probably just as much of an expert as I am.’

His dissertation was on the ritualistic use of precious stones and minerals in Pre-Columbian Meso-America. He’d had to do plenty of reading on the subject in order to understand the belief system in the area, the pantheon of gods and their respective purposes within the community. It had been particularly fascinating for both of them to find out more about the human sacrifices and ritualistic killings.

It had all started with an anecdote from Raf’s reading, but Curiouscat had been so intrigued by the subject that she’d demanded he told her more. And so, he’d started studying with her by his side, sending her some of his reading materials and discussing a lot of the philosophical and anthropological implications with her.

It would be a lie to say his dissertation wasn’t a product of their discussions. Curiouscat had an inquisitive mind and a great imagination, and she’d offered insights he would not have otherwise explored before.

His major focus was obsidian and its circulation across the region, looking at rituals both as standardized practices and localized ones.

Due to the amount of time he spent with his nose buried in a book on the subject, he’d become more and more narrow in his thinking, which was where Curiouscat helped him, urging him to take a step back and reconsider the wider picture when his tunnel vision was becoming too bad.

‘That is true,’ she laughed. ‘But it’s really fascinating stuff. I want to go there someday. See the temples, and the archaeological sites…’ she trailed off on a dreamy sigh.

‘Me too. We should go together,’ he threw the idea out there, more as a joke.

‘You know what. We really should. After you graduate, you should take me on a trip to Mexico and officially introduce me to Aztec culture.’

Raf was quiet for a moment. She seemed like she really meant it. He didn’t know whether to continue on with a joke, or say something serious, or actually invite her…

He’d saved up enough money to afford it. That wasn’t the issue. The issue was that she might not want to meet him—might even not like him if he wasn’t behind a screen.

It wasn’t the first time Raf had been plagued by thoughts like that. He wasn’t bad looking by any means, but he didn’t see himself as anything out of the ordinary. What if she didn’t like what he looked like?

‘Blue? You still there? Don’t tell me I shocked you?’

‘You… You’d like to meet?’

‘Sure, why not?’ The way she said it sounded like it was no big deal for him.

‘Let me get this straight. You want to meet? Me?’

‘Of course I want to meet you, Blue. Who else? But only if you want that, too. I have a family commitment later this year, but I can do it any time before that,’ she continued, her voice steady and sure.

It…shocked Raf.

‘I’d love to,’ he eventually answered.

‘Good. It’s about time you took me on a real date,’ she chuckled.

Raf was still staring at his screen dumbfounded. This was real. It was happening. She actually wanted to meet him… Damn, but he really felt himself become tongue-tied.

‘Where are you? I can come to you,’ he offered.

‘You’re a gentleman, aren’t you?’ she drawled in amusement. ‘I live in upstate New York. What about you?’

He blinked. He couldn’t believe he was that lucky.

‘I’m in the city.’

‘No shit,’ she blurted out. ‘You’re serious?’

‘Yep. But first, since we’re actually doing this, I have to ask something,’ he winced, since it wasn’t something entirely comfortable, but since she’d opened that gate, he needed to make sure.

‘Shoot.’

‘Tell me you’re of age. You’re at least eighteen, right?’ He asked, already on pins and needles as he awaited her answer. If she was younger… Until now he hadn’t wanted to entertain that, but if he had confirmation of her age and she was a minor, then he couldn’t in good conscience continue with their conversations, could he?

His heart beat wildly in his chest. He was dreading the moment to come…

‘I’m twenty,’ she finally said, and he breathed out in relief.

‘Thank God,’ he murmured.

‘What was that?’

‘Nothing. I’m happy that issue is out of the way,’ he tried to make light of it.

‘Good. Then we could set something up soon. I’ll be in the country until the end of the year, so we need to do it before that.’

‘Why don’t you go ahead and set a date and I’ll make it happen,’ he told her, his eyes widening when he realized how eager he sounded.

From the moment she mentioned a potential meeting he’d done his best to keep his excitement under control, but it seemed he was a little too transparent.

She didn’t mind it, though.

‘Next week? I can do Friday afternoon. We can meet in the city since I have a class there.’

This was the first time she’d mentioned any class, but Raf didn’t pay too much attention, a little too happy at the turn of events to mind the details.

‘There’s this café we could go to. It’s pretty popular and this way you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable,’ he gave her the details, listing the features of the café and the fact that it had glass windows. You could see everything from outside, and he would take a seat right near the window. All to make sure she was comfortable with the entire set-up.

‘You’re really sweet, you know that?’ she said in an affectionate tone, and he felt heat creep up his cheeks.

‘I’ll wear a violet shirt so I’m more easily recognizable. I’m pretty tall, though, so you shouldn’t miss me,’ he went on to describe his appearance, giving her the basic details like hair and eye color, build and anything he felt might help her find him easier.

Somehow, he was reluctant to share a picture of himself, though that would be the best option. He didn’t photograph that well, and he wanted her to give him a chance in real life. For some reason, he was unusually worried about his appearance and what she’d think of it.

She gave him similar details, telling him she had dark hair and brown eyes and that she was a little shorter than average.

‘But really, Blue? Violet?’ she chortled. ‘You really wear violet shirts?’

‘I’ll have you know they are very nice shirts,’ he mumbled, though a smile pulled at his lips.

‘You and your fancy violet,’ she laughed. ‘Why don’t you just call it purple and be done with it? It’s the same thing.’

‘It’s not,’ the statement came out harsher than intended, which only made Curiouscat more amused. ‘There are a lot of differences between violet and purple,’ he said with a huff.

‘Sorry I offended your color sensibilities, Blue. Please, enlighten me what those differences are,’ she made fun of him, but it was all in good humor.

‘Have you heard about synesthesia?’

‘Huh?’

‘It’s a condition where your senses are linked together. For me, all my other senses converge into taste. Sounds and colors have flavors for me.’

‘Wow,’ she breathed out. ‘That sounds awesome.’

He proceeded to give her a rundown of his cursed ability, yet she seemed a little caught on the fact that he could taste sounds.

‘So, music has flavors for you?’

‘Yep. It depends. Sometimes the notes themselves have a certain flavor and sometimes it’s the overall melody,’ he told her about his mother and the music she’d play for him growing up to test his abilities.

Curiouscat was quiet for a while as she digested the information. He got the distinct feeling that she wanted to ask more about that, but she eventually reined in the conversation back into the familiar zone.

‘You didn’t tell me the difference between fancy violet and purple.’

‘It’s simple. Purple is man-made by mixing colors together. Violet is natural. It works the same with my tastebuds. There’s a counterfeit taste to purple whereas violet has a very pleasant aroma.’

‘So, it all comes down to your interactions with the color and how it affects you, no?’

‘Precisely. You’re pretty smart, aren’t you,’ he smiled, complimenting her.

She really got him.

‘Oh, I bet I can be smarter. Watch me,’ she declared smugly as she opened the shared screen again, pulling up the search engine and searching for weird color names.

His eyes widened, but he couldn’t help his curiosity as he leaned in, watching her brisk movements as she went from page to page.

‘Are you really looking for the rarest color names?’

‘Of course. If you can be fancy with your violet, then I can be fancy with my favorite color too.’

He smiled, waiting.

The names started trickling in, and some of them were really amusing, like mummy brown or dragon’s blood.

‘Ok, I got it,’ she eventually said, moving her cursor to highlight two different colors.

Raf’s eyebrows went up in surprise before he broke into a low chuckle.

‘You have your fancy violet and I’ll have…’ she paused as she tried to pronounce the very difficult words, her breath into the mic, as well as the whispers of her failed attempts.

She cleared her throat.

‘My favorite color from now on is Cadmium Quercitron.‘

Both colors were a type of yellow. But he could admire the fact that they were both natural, though only individually, not in the combination she came up with. It was particularly amusing considering cadmium was a highly toxic metal. Out of all the colors she could have chosen, she went for a rare tree bark and a noxious substance.

‘Good luck remembering that,’ he laughed.

‘Oh, I will. And this is exactly how I’ll introduce myself to you on Friday. I’ll be Miss Cadmium Quercitron,‘ she added smugly.

‘I’ll hold you on to that,’ he challenged playfully, and they both burst out laughing.

The week passed in a blur as both Raf and Curiouscat were looking forward to their eventual meeting.

Raf, for his part, was a little wary of the meeting, scared of not meeting her expectations. He wasn’t worried about her, since he didn’t mind her appearance. He knew her and that was enough for him. Yet his anxiety wouldn’t let him be. He had immersed himself into his role for so long, he’d started believing that was all he was—freak, weirdo.

As a result, he went and got a new haircut, improved his grooming, and got some skincare products to make sure he was in top shape. He even bought himself a new pair of jeans and shoes to go with his favorite violet shirt.

And by the time Friday rolled around, he was a mess of nerves and high hopes.

He didn’t know what to expect out of the date. Though Curiouscat had never brought up romantic notions in their chat, since she used the term date, he expected their relationship to evolve to something of that nature—or, he hoped.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t ask anyone for advice since he had no one aside from her. There were his parents, but they were out of discussion. He knew his father would not take him seriously and his mother would likely prohibit him from seeing her since she was just some girl.

Throughout the years, she’d told him numerous times her wishes. She wanted him to make an advantageous match with someone from their social circles—likely someone with a similar affiliation as that of his family.

And as she’d told him repeatedly, it didn’t matter the fact that he wasn’t exactly normal. Not when it was an alliance more than a marriage.

Of course, she disregarded his wishes completely, as he’d told her numerous times that he’d like to have a love match—as Cosima and his father had been fortunate to have. Yet it was a moot point.

He could read the subscript. He wasn’t whole, he might as well be useful to the family in other ways.

As much as he could, he’d rebelled. His college degree and the fact that he lived on campus attested to that. But he didn’t think anything would dissuade his mother from that.

So, he kept his date to himself.

His very first date.

He was excited like the teenager he’d never been. And though he pushed against it, he couldn’t stop himself from building scenarios in his head about Curiouscat.

Maybe this was it—what he’d always hoped for. That type of partner that he would get along perfectly with, accepting him with his qualities and his flaws. He couldn’t wait to hear her voice—her real voice. He was looking forward to that more than anything.

The moment Friday arrived, he woke up early, showered and put his clothes on.

He’d bought a new cologne specifically for the occasion and he dabbed it around his neck.

Maybe she’d go for a hug. He hoped she would. And then he needed to smell good.

He was worrying about the smallest things, but it was all because he wanted things to go smoothly.

Raf went to the general area where the café was an hour before the set time. He might not have been on a date before, but he knew it was proper etiquette to bring the girl flowers. So, the first thing he did was to search for a flower shop, buying her a pretty bouquet. The next stop was a convenience store where he got her some chocolate, since he knew girls liked chocolate, but he couldn’t help himself from adding some hot Cheetos to his basket, since that was a sure way of putting a smile on her face.

Pleased with himself, he paid for the items before going to the café, happy to get one of the window seats as he settled himself nicely on the chair and waited.

And waited.

The hour finally came, yet there was no trace of her—or of anyone matching her description. As a joke, she’d told him she would be wearing a yellow shirt.

Yet as he looked around, there was no one wearing a yellow shirt inside the café. Only outside did he see a girl wearing one a little further down the street, but she wasn’t alone. She was with another man, seemingly arguing as he took her by the shoulder and shoved her into a waiting car.  Though he couldn’t get a good look at her, he was sure it wasn’t curiouscat. The girl looked more like a high schooler than a twenty-year-old.

And so, he switched his attention to the other side of the street. Nothing.

In the beginning, fifteen minutes passed. He still didn’t move, thinking she would eventually show up.

Another hour passed. Then another.

Raf didn’t move. He was starting to worry, yet he was still hopeful.

Surely, she would come. She wouldn’t stand him up, would she?

He waited until night fell and the café closed. Only then did he leave, dejected, making his way back to his dorm room.

His first thought was to log on and message her, still thinking that it was a mistake—surely something must have happened to make her miss the meeting.

But as he clicked on her username, it was to find that the account had been terminated.

What…

Suddenly, Raf realized something was, indeed, wrong. And as his insecurities poked their head to the surface, he was convinced there could only be one reason why she would do that—why she wouldn’t come meet him and then delete her entire profile.

She must have seen him through the window. Maybe when he wasn’t paying attention. And she must have really not liked what she’d seen. So sure he was of his line of thinking, that his heart shrunk in his chest, his entire being shrouded in misery and disappointment.

‘Why did I have to ask her to meet me,’ he whispered to himself later that night.

All his hopes and dreams of normality were dashed that night, together with a deep sense of loneliness that bloomed in his chest, almost as if a piece of his heart had gone missing, vanishing into thin air.

And it had.

This wasn’t just about someone rejecting him based on his looks. This wasn’t just one date gone wrong. This was his friend. His best friend.

He feared he’d lost her forever.

Days passed. Raf kept trying to get in touch with her. Yet it was to no avail.

Curiouscat was gone. Forever.

And Raf lost his only friend.

What he didn’t know, though, was that curiouscat had, indeed, showed up for the date. She’d seen him, and she’d been just as excited about meeting him, never once questioning his appearance. She’d watched him through the window when he’d not been aware, and she’d thought him perfect. She’d seen the flowers, the chocolate, and even the hint of Cheetos packaging and she’d smiled at his thoughtfulness, ready to kiss his cheek at the end of the night, or maybe more.

She’d wanted that date more than anything in the world. And as the time came for her to step towards the cafe, she giddily rushed forward.

But she never made it.

A month passed and Raf didn’t move on.

Every day, he logged on the server to check his messages, hopeful that maybe curiouscat would come back.

It never happened.

If before he’d felt alone, at least his loneliness had been of his own making. He’d isolated from the world because he found it too exhausting to keep up his charade.

Yet before, he hadn’t met curiouscat.

He hadn’t known someone who could understand him so well without needing to know his name, his past, or how he looked like. Though, retrospectively, what he looked like must have been the thing to put an end to everything.

But now he knew what it was like to have a friend, someone he could share everything in his life with. And because it had been taken away from him so brutally, he found himself drifting in uncharted territories, his emotional stability hanging by a thread.

In fact, was it even fair to call it emotional stability when there was nothing stable about it, or about him?

He’d thought he had hit rock bottom before.

But now he knew the true definition of making friends with his demons for he finally let himself go. Yet it wasn’t in the typical fashion.

If before he would have simply let himself languish away, burying himself deeper and deeper into himself in an attempt to forget the outside world, this time he did the opposite.

Raf tried to change himself—all within the confines of his circumstances.

He wiped his diet clean, throwing all the junk food to the side in exchange for healthy food. He finally joined his college gym and he pushed himself to his limits.

He may have done a good thing by taking a step towards change, but it wasn’t with the best intentions.

Foremost in his mind was the idea that he needed to look a certain way. Maybe then his friend would come back. Maybe then…

Two weeks after Raf joined the gym he collapsed from overworking himself. His diet may have been healthy, but it was sparse and poor, his current energy levels not fit for the harsh exercises he put his body through.

He pushed himself so much, he ended up in the emergency room after fainting at the gym. Only by sheer luck did he wake up just as they loaded him into the ambulance, managing to avoid anyone calling his family.

That day, he was admitted to the hospital where he was administered fluids via IV and he was put into contact with a registered dietician to talk about his food choices.

Yet it was clear to anyone looking in that his issues ran deeper than that. So, his attending physician suggested Raf talk to a therapist, even going so far as booking a first consultation for him.

And as it dawned on him that curiouscat was, indeed, not coming back, he realized he needed to reevaluate his life. After all, he couldn’t continue living like that, could he?

So, he accepted to see the therapist, making small steps towards becoming the right type of person, not just a good person on paper.

Weekly, he attended the therapy sessions. He talked into depth about his past, about his parents and about his brother. He opened himself up for the first time, and he was shocked to realize that the therapist had one simple piece of advice.

Forgive yourself.

He wanted Raf to forgive himself for his role in his brother’s downfall, but also forgive everyone around him. In his opinion, only then would he be at peace and ready to move on.

Raf saw the objective truth in his therapist’s words. But he couldn’t put that advice into practice. Not when his self-loathing was stronger than ever.

He may be putting an effort into getting better, but the demons inside his mind wouldn’t rest, always whispering things to him and pushing him further into a corner.

So, though he was making progress, he was also stagnating.

Because forgiveness was too out of the question for him.

It was a few weeks later that he finally gave in, going home for the first time in months. In his short identity crisis after curiouscat had disappeared, he’d shut everyone out, refusing to meet his family for fear he wouldn’t be able to keep his act up.

And how could he, when inside he felt like he was slowly dying? How could he focus his strength into a stupid act when he was using all his power to stop himself from going crazy—from effectively shutting himself from the world until he slowly withered away.

At his therapist’s advice, he agreed to move home temporarily—if only to make sure he wasn’t a danger to himself.

In the beginning, when he’d been told that he was exhibiting dangerous signs of self-harm, Raf had laughed that off. Yet the more he thought about it, the more he realized his therapist was right.

One way or another, he was self-harming—whether consciously or unconsciously. He was self-sabotaging, and he wasn’t going to stop unless he made an active effort to better himself.

‘My darling boy,’ Cosima cried out as he carried his bags inside the house, dumping them on the floor to catch her as she wrapped her arms around him.

His mother was a tall woman, but next to Raf, she looked small and fragile. So much so, in fact, that Raf felt a pang of hurt for the first time in…forever.

She’d committed an awful crime. He was aware of that and rightfully acknowledged it. But she was still his mother, and whether he wanted or not, he loved her.

He’d loved her even as he hated her.

Slowly, his arms came around her bony shoulders, returning the hug.

She’d lost weight. Most probably due to worrying about him all the time.

“I-I’m h-home,’ he whispered, reveling in her warmth.

It felt years since the last time he’d allowed someone to embrace him—to give him any type of affection.

His eyes misted with tears, and he barely managed to keep them at bay.

‘Let’s get you set up, shall we?’ his mother continued, picking up one of his suitcases and leading him up the stairs.

She did all the talking. He smiled tightly at her, allowing himself one brief moment in which she was just his mother. Not someone he inherently disliked, not someone who’d ruined an innocent person’s life.

For one moment, he imagined he was back in the past, when he’d been ignorant of what happened around him, when he’d taken her love and his ability to return it for granted.

‘I have so much to tell you darling. So much has changed and I never got to tell you,’ she droned on.

He kept an indulgent smile, yet he only internalized her words when she mentioned Antonio.

“W-what?’

‘Antonio is dead. Some hussy killed him at the convent he was visiting. Can you believe that? She killed him right in the church. Good Lord, I swear I’ve never heard something like this before.’

Raf blinked.

Antonio was…dead?

‘And now Franco’s in a foul mood, trying to get your father to demand retribution. She’s an Agosti, you know. We’ve never gotten along with them, what with how their son snubbed us with the engagement, years ago. And now his sister killed Antonio? Savages, I tell you…’

Antonio was dead.

Three words and a weight was lifted off his shoulders—one that had been pinning him down to the ground, feeding his nightmares and adding to his constant worry.

He didn’t bother to correct his mother when she lamented his death—didn’t even try to tell her he probably deserved what he got because she would never admit it.

‘So, your father promised he’d help Franco save some face. God knows, we need that after they’ve dirtied our name through the mud…’

She didn’t get to finish her sentence, though, as she lost her balance, her hand shooting out as she caught Raf’s arm.

‘Mom?’ he asked on a whisper.

‘I’m ok, darling. Just a little spell,’ she strained a smile.

But it wasn’t just a little spell. Not with how she was behaving, breathing harshly, getting tired every few minutes and needing to sit down.

‘You’ll come with us, right? To the banquet? We need to show a strong front. Especially in times like this. Beni even convinced that good for nothing of your brother to come,’ she grumbled under her breath.

Raf wasn’t sure he was up to face his brother, not so soon after he’d taken such a powerful hit to his heart. Yet he was also worried about his mother. She didn’t seem well. So, to please her, he nodded his assent, promising to join the family for the banquet at the end of the week.

Unbeknownst to him, Benedicto and Cosima had another purpose in mind for the banquet. With the famiglia adding more and more pressure on Benedicto to choose an official heir, the majority of the influential men being on Michele’s side rather than Raf’s, Benedicto had decided to pull the big guns.

He would use the banquet as an opportunity to show how volatile Michele was while also paving the way for an alliance for his son.

The only way Raf would be accepted as the heir would be if he brought something to the table, and a marriage to a girl from another well-regarded Italian family might just be what they needed. And the banquet was just the way to pave such a connection.

As the time for the banquet arrived, Raf tried his best to stay under the radar. His brother’s presence was wreaking havoc on his peace of mind, and instinctively he tried to put himself into a worse light, making himself smaller, more insignificant.

Especially as Michele, as inebriated as always, yelled for everyone to hear what a retard he was.

Though the evening passed without incident, Raf could see that his parents planned something, especially when they approached Marcello Lastra with an offer to merge their two families.

One of his sisters had decided monastic life wasn’t for her and she’d returned to civilian life. The downside was that in Benedicto’s eyes, her past made her the perfect candidate.

He saw her as meek and biddable—traditional. Exactly what he needed to put Raf ahead in the running for the family legacy.

Raf, on his part, did his best to dissuade his parents from it. But it all came crashing down a few days after the banquet, when Cosima’s little spell turned into a trip to the hospital.

The entire situation was grim, especially as the doctor suggested she had an onset of diabetes, likely caused by high stress.

Raf was shocked.

His mother tried to be cheerful about it, saying it was all going to be alright. Yet for Raf it was the last blow he needed at that moment.

If there was something he hadn’t blamed himself until that moment, it had been his mother’s health. And as he heard the dire news, he couldn’t help but feel as if he’d contributed to it—that he’d been the source of that stress and the reason she was now in the hospital, getting ready to make life-altering changes for her health.

Maybe he’d realized it before, but at that point it was the first time Raf realized his self-harm tendencies were not, in fact, only directed at himself. They were making ravages all around himself, affecting every person around him.

And he wasn’t sure he liked that.

‘Will you do something for me, darling?’ Cosima asked him a few days later, back at home. She was still weak and prone to some fainting spells, and he faithfully stayed by her side, not wanting to cause her more stress.

“W-what?’

‘Will you at least meet the girl? You don’t have to marry her if you don’t like her. But will you? For me?’

Her features were grim, her slight body huddled against him as she released a weary sigh.

He was quiet for a moment, warring with himself. He wanted no part in their plans, yet at the same time, what could go wrong in one meeting? He would satisfy his mother and maybe then she’d stop pestering him about marriage meetings.

“F-Fine.’

Not two days later and the first meeting was set. After all, the devil worked fast, but Cosima worked faster.

And so, they found themselves at the Lastra home, where Raf had the unexpected pleasure of meeting Assisi—or just Sisi.

Sisi was, simply put, unusual. She was unlike anyone he’d ever met in their circles. She lacked the artifice and the malice he was used to. And though he was still wary of sharing too much of himself during that meeting, he couldn’t help but answer her inquisitive questions, doing the bare minimum to keep his façade up.

So much so, that she saw right through him.

His mouth twitched as she called him out for it, telling him she saw his telltale, that his stutter was a conscious decision and that there was a pattern for the way he paused after a syllable.

He was…stunned.

But then she smiled.

‘Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me,’ she winked at him.

In that moment, he decided to gamble. And he gambled right.

‘Thank you,’ he whispered, seeing the understanding in her eyes, but more than anything the kindness.

That meeting would only be the first as the two fell into a comfortable friendship.

‘Maybe there’s still a chance,’ he told Sisi in an effort to comfort her.

They were sitting in her drawing room. It was where they usually met since her family was pretty strict about decorum. And though they considered Raf innocuous because of his innocent manner, that didn’t mean they weren’t watching them closely. They were alone, but the door was wide open for anyone to walk in at any point.

‘No,’ she declared confidently. ‘It’s done. It’s so done,’ she shook her head.

She’d recently been through a bad breakup that only Raf knew about, her relationship with one of her brother’s friends a secret from everyone else.

‘I hate that I have to pretend that everything is fine. That…’ a sob escaped her lips, and she immediately looked towards the door, making sure there was no one nearby. ‘That my heart isn’t breaking every time I think about him.’

‘It will get better with time. I know it will,’ his lips tightened into the semblance of a smile. He knew exactly what she was going through. But compared to her, his situation seemed paltry. Sisi had been with Vlad in all ways a woman could be with a man—they’d been a couple.

Raf… He’d had an internet friendship that he’d hoped would turn into something else. And he’d ended up being ghosted by his only friend. His wasn’t a tragic tale. It was simply a pathetic one.

‘Has it happened to you?’ she blinked the tears away.

‘Something like that,’ he shrugged, yet with a little coaxing, she managed to get out of him exactly what had happened with curiouscat and how that had affected him.

‘I don’t know what I did wrong,’ his voice trembled as he ended his story, too much emotion poured into those words.

‘Raf, I’m so sorry,’ Sisi said. ‘I didn’t know you’d been through something like that, too.’

‘Yeah, but we’ve never even met. It sounds so silly,’ he attempted a smile for her benefit.

‘It’s not silly at all,’ she drew back, her features steeped in consternation. ‘You clearly had feelings for this person. What does it matter if you met or not? You spent years talking. If that’s not a relationship, then I don’t know what is…’

‘It wasn’t like that,’ he lamely argued. And it hadn’t been. They had only agreed to try to take their friendship to the next level that time.

Raf couldn’t see how much curiouscat’s disappearance had affected him, and that his reaction had been anything but normal. Yet in his mind, because they’d never taken that official step, it would always be just a friendship.

A doomed friendship.

‘So what? Your feelings are still valid,’ she told him sternly before breaking into a smile. ‘Look at us. We’re a pair of lovesick fools, aren’t we?’ Sisi breathed out.

Raf could see she was doing her best to rein in her emotions. Her eyes were watery, her nose red from holding her emotions at bay.

‘I reckon we are,’ he agreed hopelessly.

Time passed and their friendship deepened.

It wasn’t what he had with curiouscat, but it was a system of support that helped him rebuild himself from the bottom up. And with Sisi by his side, Raf started thriving again.

In a way it helped that their friendship was purely platonic, and that he didn’t see her that way. He was simply content to have another human being by his side, someone with whom he could share his thoughts and worries.

Slowly, he sought to forget his former best friend.

Like Sisi had said about her Vlad. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

He told himself that until he truly believed it.

His parents, seeing him hanging out at the Lastra house so much, delighted in the potential connection with Sisi’s family. His mother, too, was doing better and Raf was happy he wasn’t a burden to her anymore.

Yet things weren’t going exactly smoothly.

Not when Sisi came to the grim conclusion that she was pregnant. Out of wedlock. With a traditional Italian family.

So Raf did what any gentleman would. He offered to marry her.

From the beginning, he didn’t expect a true marriage, his previous dreams of a great love long dead. But he knew they could have a pleasant companionship—friendship. How many people could claim that?

In marrying her, he would both protect Sisi and get his parents off his back—this time permanently. He still had no idea that this was exactly what Benedicto and Cosima wanted, if only to get him elected for the head of the family position. Though he recognized a connection with Lastra would help Guerra, he didn’t realize the full ramifications of his decision.

Even so, he was ready to face the consequences.

For the first time, he wanted to man up and be responsible, for himself and his future family. He might not love Sisi, or even feel attracted to her, but that only meant they would have a strictly platonic marriage. It didn’t mean he couldn’t take his role as husband and father seriously.

His decision made; he could only hope for the best.

Benedicto and Cosima insisted on a quick wedding, wanting to make sure Raf wouldn’t back out of it. But both Raf and Sisi were fine with it, since that would ensure Sisi didn’t start showing before the wedding.

Yet just as Raf got used to the idea of becoming a father, Sisi miscarried.

She was devastated. He didn’t know how to help.

Overnight, she became a completely different person, and though he asked her if she wanted to break the engagement, she remained staunch in her answer.

They would marry.

And so, the wedding day came.

No one besides Raf’s parents and Sisi’s siblings was happy about it.

Even Raf became increasingly nervous as he stood in front of the altar, waiting for Sisi to walk down the aisle. He kept questioning if he was doing the right thing—if maybe, maybe, he was depriving himself of something vital in the future. He didn’t believe in divorce. For him, marriage was forever.

He’d always wanted a love match. From the beginning, he’d dreamed of his dream girl—a faceless, formless person who would be his in all ways. He didn’t know what she looked like, but when he closed his eyes, he imagined someone like curiouscat.

Funny how he hadn’t thought about her in a long time. Yet as Sisi walked towards him all draped in white, a forced smile on her face, he could only think of yellow. Of Cadmium Quercitron to his fancy violet.

He tapped his foot restlessly against the floor, sweat beading his forehead.

‘Damn it, Raf. Calm down,’ his father whispered from behind.

He swallowed hard.

He couldn’t calm down. Especially as Sisi stopped at his side, a tremulous smile on her lips as she hooked her arm through his.

The priest began talking, the words ringing in his ears, dimming and dimming until he couldn’t follow what was being said anymore.

He couldn’t do it.

He couldn’t go through it. It was the most disappointing realization, because he would be breaking the trust of his dear friend. Yet he couldn’t…

The priest was about to ask the crucial question. And Raf was prepared to refuse.

But the explosion came first.

Then, Sisi vanished.

And Raf had never felt more relief in his life than in that one moment.

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