The Counterfeit Lover (War of Sins Book 3)
The Counterfeit Lover: Chapter 14

Pulling the suitcases out of the storage, I make a mental note of everything we need to take with us. The faster we’re out of here the better. I don’t want anything to potentially upset Noelle—not now, nor ever.

My heart is still beating loudly in my chest, the anxiety from before still marring my current happiness.

For fuck’s sake, how could I ever forget the fact that one wrong choice could have taken my pretty girl from me? And I wouldn’t have been able to blame no one but myself since I would have killed her with my own damn hands.

Releasing a weary sigh, I plop myself on the edge of the bed, bringing my hands to my temples as I attempt to alleviate some of the pressure inside.

Noelle wants me to drop the what-ifs, but I’ve lived my entire life under the harsh shadow of what could have been that it’s already second nature for my mind to stray into that territory.

I’m haunted.

I’m a fucking haunted man.

And it’s not just one event that has me on edge. It’s the sum of everything. All my fucking mistakes that will one day come back and hit me right in the chest.

But to think that she was so close to death…

I can’t fucking contemplate that. Not now that I’ve found her—that everything seems to fit into place.

I may have severe memory gaps from my time in captivity and just as many illusions that I question on a daily basis, but one thing is for sure.

How she makes me feel. How she always made me feel.

Maybe it’s silly to equate what I feel for her now and what we’ve been through with predestination. But that’s exactly how it feels.

From the beginning there had been something. A spark of something just below the surface. But I’d been too stuck in my hate and those scenarios I’d built up over the years to see anything but what I had wanted to see.

Isn’t that always the issue?

For someone who’s always prided himself on logic and tangible facts, I inadvertently get too caught up in my feelings. To a degree, maybe this is all the result of years of conditioning, of pushing all useless emotions to the side so I could be what everyone wanted me to be—the perfect son, the perfect heir.

Just…perfect.

Too much time spent bottling up my feelings and I’m now left with a mess that makes no sense—with too much feeling that threatens to push me to the edge.

Because that’s the truth.

I’m having a hard time dealing with a lifetime of pent-up emotion—of guilt, love, regret and despair.

I’ve always been good at compartmentalizing. That meant that I only focused on one thing at a time—one sole goal.

At first, that goal was to keep my parents happy. My love for them led me to push down who I’d wanted to be in favor of who they wanted me to be, because the two could never co-exist.

Later, I’d drowned in my guilt, eschewing life in favor of perpetual penance for what I’d done to my brother.

That all came to a culmination in my hate for everyone who’d had a hand in the horrors I lived in captivity, swearing to make them all pay.

My tunnel vision had never allowed me to see things in anything but superlative.

Love. Regret. Hate. Everything to the extreme.

But there is one startling realization. It’s never been for myself.

All my life I’ve lived for the wrong reasons. Always for someone else—always to please someone else.

There are only a handful of times when I’d stepped up, trying to do something for myself.

The first had ended in disaster when my only friend had ghosted me, making me spiral into a pretty bad depression. It had been one of the few times I’d opened myself to the outside world only to be thoroughly disappointed in the process.

But then there’s Noelle. The one person in my life who always gave more than took, who never expected me to be anything but who I am. Loving her didn’t negate any part of myself. It was never a burden. Only a reward.

If anything, it unlocked a part of myself I long thought lost—the one that could still dream.

Slowly, with her soothing presence, I’m starting to find myself again. Yet the drawback is that all the things I’ve kept buried under the surface are waiting to erupt.

‘Raf,’ her voice wakes me from my reverie, and a smile tugs at my lips as I see her enter the room.

Noelle. My wife. The same woman who tended my wounds when I was beaten beyond recognition. The one who smuggled me food, water and medicine. The voice that kept me alive when hell threatened to overtake me.

It’s her. It’s always been her.

And seeing that necklace around her neck confirms that it wasn’t a dream.

It’s real, and she’s here.

‘What did Cisco want?’ I clear my throat, my voice clogged with emotion as my eyes take her in, trying to equate her with what I know of past her and everything that we’ve been through.

‘You know my brother,’ she shrugs, coming to rest by my side. ‘He wanted to make his position clear, as always. I’m telling you, the man is a control freak,’ she rolls her eyes.

My hand reaches for hers, squeezing tightly.

‘Underneath all that cold demeanor, he does care about you. I’ll be the first to admit that he has a strange way of showing it, but I don’t think he’s wholly made of ice.’

‘You’re right,’ she nods. ‘I know he cares about me. But he can be an asshole of the biggest proportions.’

‘Good thing we’re moving then,’ I wink at her.

She takes in the empty suitcases I’ve laid around before her questioning gaze finds mine.

‘I didn’t think you were serious.’

‘I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. There are a lot of things I’ve been working on behind the scenes, and it’s all so you can be yourself. And happy. That’s all I ever want.’

Her face lights up, her beauty making me suck a sharp breath in. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the way I react to her—the way one smile from her makes me the happiest bastard alive.

‘Wow, I don’t know what to say,’ she breathes out in wonder.

‘You don’t have to say anything now,’ I reply as I get up, swooping her in my arms and taking her to the bathroom. ‘But first I’m pampering you and then we can see about the next steps,’ I declare confidently.

And this is exactly where the difference lays with Noelle. I want nothing more than to spoil and care for her, but that desire isn’t borne out of duty, expectation, or anything other than this instinctual urge to be there for her at every step of the way.

Her happiness is my happiness. Dedicating my life to her could never be a hardship. Not when it’s for her as much as it is for myself. In giving her all of me, I’m taking all of her in return. And that ensures I’m never empty.

That’s the missing ingredient I’ve been searching for my whole life. Giving but without being drained—without feeling sapped of my entire essence to the point that I’m just a shell of a person.

She makes me whole. She makes me feel like myself—like I’m finally finding out the true meaning of that word.

Closing the door with my foot, I set her down, starting the water in the tub and adding a mix of oils and salts before topping it with a cherry-scented bath bomb—her favorite.

All the while, she’s watching by the side, an amused smile on her face.

And as I stake a step towards her, she instinctively raises her hands, knowing fully well what I intend to do.

Chuckling, I proceed to divest her of her dress before doing the same to my clothes. Together, we step inside the steaming water, making ourselves comfortable in the tub.

‘I’m never going to tire of the sight of you like this,’ I sigh in satisfaction, my eyes greedily taking her in.

The water reaches the top of her breasts, emphasizing the swell of her tits while contrasting perfectly with the tone of her skin.

Her hair is wet around the tips and strewn over her shoulders. Yet just as I derive pleasure from having her like this before me, there’s also the evidence of what happened—the bruises that are still fresh from those fucking electrical wands.

She sees me stare at the slight discoloration, and before I can say anything, she moves, gliding through the water until she’s face to face with me, her palms cupping my cheeks.

‘Don’t,’ she whispers.

‘It’s my fault,’ I shake my head, finally daring to bring my hands to her shoulders and trace the marks on her skin. ‘Fuck, pretty girl. You have no idea how much this hurts me.’

‘Nothing happened, Raf.’

‘Everything happened,’ I cut her off.

I need to get this off my chest, ease at least some of the pressure building inside of me. Otherwise I might go mad.

Her brows draw together in confusion as she simply regards me, waiting for me to speak.

‘What Michele said,’ I take a deep breath. ‘It’s mostly true. I did betray him. I did…’ my throat clogs up with emotion as I remember those times in our lives. I’d seen him at his worst, and I’d still betrayed him. Does it matter that I thought I was doing the right thing? Do good intentions matter when the end result is disastrous?

So I tell her. I recount everything that happened in our childhood and why I did what I did, giving her an entire snapshot of my early life—of my most glaring flaws. The fact that I’d wanted to tell my parents about Antonio—I’d wanted to tell everyone so the bastard would pay. But just as we were about to tell everything, Antonio had pulled me aside and showed me evidence that would damn Michele even more—that would sentence him to death in the eyes of the famiglia. He knew that Michele wasn’t Benedicto’s biological son, and he was ready to reveal that to the entire world. This would have ensured that either Benedicto would have him killed to avoid being shamed, or other member of the famiglia would so an impostor would not gain control over it. It was a lose-lose situation, and one I could not afford to gamble with.

So I had to choose one option. To my great shame, I chose the one that would keep my brother alive, despite the fact that he would suffer for accusing Antonio of such a grave crime.

I tried to spare him, but I only damned him further.

‘Raf,’ she blinks. ‘Do you hear yourself? You’re blaming yourself for choosing the least harmful option—the only thing you could have done.’

‘No, he’s right to hate me because I am guilty. I could have reached out to him. I could have…’

‘You were fourteen!’ she exclaims. ‘You were fourteen and you’d just seen your brother get brutally raped. You did the best you could at the time. Michele would have been killed if it got out that he wasn’t Benedicto’s son. You know that now and you knew it back then.’

‘Maybe I could have done more,’ I sigh. I don’t think I’ll ever be at peace with how everything played out back then.

‘I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Yes, you betrayed him,’ she puts it bluntly, and I can’t help but wince at the word. ‘But you also spent years repenting for that one mistake.’

‘You’re right. The issue is that I can’t forgive myself. I don’t know if I ever will be able to.’

She nods pensively, a sad smile pulling at her lips.

‘We all have things that can never be erased from our souls, Raf. We just have to learn to live with them. But not the way you’ve been doing until now. Not drowning yourself in guilt and bending over backwards to make up for your mistake. If there’s no one to accept your apology, stop trying.’

Her words echo in my brain, and to an extent I can recognize them as true. But it’s much more than just that one wrong choice. Now that I’d heard Michele’s side, more and more questions swirl in my mind.

‘But that’s just the thing. I did betray him. But I never spread any rumors about him at school. I would never do something so vile.’

She purses her lips.

‘Why did he seem so sure it was you then?’

‘Probably because I was the only one who could have done it? But…’ I groan out loud, frustrated at the dilemma. ‘I didn’t do it,’ I repeat, hoping she won’t think I would ever stoop so low.

‘I believe you,’ she gently assures me.  ‘But if you didn’t do it, someone else did. Someone who wanted to cause a rift between the two of you.’

‘What are you trying to say?’ I frown.

‘There were only two people at the time who would have stood to gain from Michele hitting rock bottom,’ she says in a gentle tone. ‘Antonio and…’

‘No… No, it couldn’t have been her,’ I deny vehemently. ‘It couldn’t have been my mother.’

‘Are you sure? Are you truly sure?’

The question feels like a dagger to the heart. Because I am not sure.

She had colluded with Antonio. She’d had knowledge about the abuse and hadn’t done anything about it. But being passive doesn’t make her an assailant.

‘I… I don’t know,’ I reluctantly admit.

‘Is there no way to find out? Because surely, if you explained to Michele everything that happened—your version of what happened—he would quit this senseless fight.’

‘I think my brother is past that,’ I mutter dryly. ‘But that doesn’t mean I’m not concerned. Because if what he says it’s true, then…’ I swallow hard, unable to imagine the horrors Michele must have lived through.

‘I know,’ she reaches for my hand, bringing it to her lips for a sweet kiss. ‘She was your mother, and you loved her. But you need to separate the two.’

I nod painfully.

‘We’ll find a way to get to the bottom of that. Slowly,’ she offers me a brilliant smile, and I know she’s trying to lift my spirits up.

But it doesn’t work like that. Not when my brother’s issue is a thing of the past. One that I’ve been grappling with all along but one that I can slowly put behind me.

The most glaring problem is the one in front of me.

The fact that I hurt her, too.

‘This’ I whisper, caressing her soft flesh with my thumb. ‘I caused this, Noelle. You asked me why everything is wrong. It’s not just my past with Michele, or what happened in my childhood. It has everything to do with you and the fact that I hurt you.’

‘Raf…’ her eyes go wide.

‘Every little bit of pain you suffered. I caused it,’ I bring my fist to my chest, banging against my ribcage as my voice croaks with the intensity of my emotions.

‘Oh my God, how can you believe that?’ Her mouth parts in horror.

Water splashes around as she wraps her tiny hands around my fist, stopping me.

‘How can you believe that, Raf?’

‘I couldn’t even answer the most important questions about you, Noelle,’ I admit the thing that’s been eating at me the most.

How can I claim to love her so much but I don’t know the deepest parts of her soul?

‘Don’t you dare go there, Rafaelo Guerra,’ her tone is unyielding, her gaze even more so. ‘Do you want the truth? It did hurt me. I was disappointed you couldn’t get those questions right,’ she confirms my greatest fears.

‘But then I realized why you got them wrong. It’s not because you don’t know me, because, technically, the answers you gave were not wrong. It’s because you answered them still thinking I am a whole person—one that has independent dreams, thoughts, desires—when that’s not the case anymore.’

‘Noelle…’

‘No, let me. If I were a normal person, then yes, those answers would be the correct ones—the only ones. But I’m not. Because there’s also you, my love, my other half, the only thing that can bring me any joy—but also the only thing that can take it away. So, you see, my greatest dreams, fears and insecurities all revolve around you.’

I open my mouth to speak but no sound comes out. There’s only her before me and her raspy voice handing me the keys to the entire universe.

‘Without you, I have nothing. But with you, I have everything.’

‘Pretty girl,’ I barely let her finish the words as I snake my arm around her waist, bringing her into me. Her chest slides against mine, a small whimper echoing in my ear as she’s fully fitted to my front.

My eyes mist with tears of joy, of pure fucking joy as I listen to the most beautiful confession I’ve ever heard.

‘You’re not the only one,’ I whisper in her hair, inhaling her scent and closing my eyes at the little piece of heaven I’m being offered. ‘I love you so damn much. So fucking much.’

Her cheek against my cheek, the wetness of her tears seeps into my skin, touching my goddamn heart.

‘If there’s one thing you should never doubt, Raf, it’s that I love you with all my being. With all that’s good and messed up inside of me. And nothing you say or do could change the way I feel about you. Do you understand me?’

‘That’s not all of it,’ I whisper. ‘There’s more. More I need to tell you…’

My hands around her throat.

My plans to have her committed.

Every fucking little thing I schemed before I knew her. And now it’s all hanging over my head, promising to never let me be until it’s all out in the open—until I can finally beg for her forgiveness.

She leans back, her moist eyes finding mine as she brings one finger to my lips.

‘Shh. Let’s not talk about this now. Not when all I want is to feel you, bask in you. Experience everything I couldn’t before.’

‘But…’

She doesn’t let me speak, slipping her finger between my lips just as she brings her mouth to my ear, her teeth nibbling softly at my flesh before whispering.

‘Take me on a date. Show me what it’s like to be just a couple. In love and not caring about anything else that happens in this world.’

‘Anything,’ I relent. ‘Anything for you, pretty girl.’

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