Skinned
Seeking Solace

The moment I picked up on what was happening, I had allowed myself to shut down completely with only dread to accompany my thoughts.

During the several days of picking up symptom after symptom of pregnancy, I hid myself in the shelter of my own mind. And I was glad that Killian was not home often, as he found himself deeply engaged in matters that circled around the pack, which gave me the solitude that I desperately needed.

And I had spent the rest of my nights alone crying not for what was lost, but what was given to me.

Fear,

Anxiety,

Anger,

Such feelings were eating me up all at once, and I didn’t know how to handle them.

The truth of what had become of me remained cramped into my head, haunting me to no end. And I had been trying to weigh my emotions that all but stayed scattered inside my head.

While without even a question, the wild that lived beneath my skin was quick to land a tenacious grip on a new found purpose,

A bearer of an heir.

Even the thought of it made me sick to the stomach.

I could feel the quick shift of her priorities, her willingness to lay the fullness of her protection to a pup that was all but a consequence of submitting to the illusion of nature. She was prepared to fight wars for it,

Even if it was a losing battle.

And while my wolf reveled in carrying a future, I was stuck struggling to find the acceptance for it.

I wanted to reject it, it was so easy to halt its chance at life and stop the chaos the lies ahead.

But even if I wanted to, I simply couldn’t, and it was because my wolf would undoubtedly go against me, her devotion to the pup going as far as defying her very own skin.

“Valerie,” Killian’s soothing voice pushed through my thoughts, putting my troubles to cease as he settled a warm hand on my back. My eyes lifted to see the long table we were seated in and was immediately greeted by the sight of werewolves gathered together for the weekly feast.

Wary glances were being thrown my way, and my lips twitched with the urge to snarl at the wandering eyes that seemed to only wait for me to do more wrong.

I despised how it felt to be caged in their judgment.

“Something wrong?” Killian questioned, lowering his head to try and catch my gaze. I ripped my eyes away from the pack members that were too busy enjoying their meal and regarded the Alpha beside me.

Looking up close, Killian’s features harbored his concern. His full lips were downturned and his eyebrows pulled together as he made an effort to see through the mental barrier that I had built for the purpose of separating myself from his prying mind; I was thankful that he didn’t seem to know that I had been blocking him these past few days.

He needs to know.

The whine of my wolf rang clear within my head as she helplessly sought for her male, the one she deemed worthy to father her future and to reign her soul, and she yearned nothing more than to aquire Killian’s protection.

Such attachment that dug deep into my heart had me sucking in a breath, overwhelmed at the hard hitting emotion that sent a suffocating ache within my chest, and I quickly gathered the strength to reel her back into the back of my mind, far enough that her pain became a small ache in my head.

I cleared my throat and shook my head, sending him a reassuring smile, “No, nothing’s wrong. I just spaced out, that’s all.”

Killian didn’t look like he bought it as he leaned back on his seat, nonetheless he went back to eating his food, but with the same expression of worry written clear on his face.

And when I picked up my fork to start eating, my eyes directed themselves up only to meet the gaze of Maliha who was seated at the far end of the table.

I felt as if I was looking at two moons of eternal glow, her gaze so piercing that it made me feel uncomfortably transparent. And I stiffened as her features morphed into one that was eerie yet undeniadbly soothing,

She smiled at me.

Once I was done with my food, I stood up from my chair with eyes of a dozen werewolves observing my movements.

Even amidst the pack members’ conversation and revelry, they could still manage to be aware of my actions.

I clenched my jaw at the familiar burn of attention on my skin and tried to square my shoulders before looking down at Killian.

“Will you be coming home tonight?” I questioned him, and I almost struggled not to let the sudden feeling of longing to leak from my words.

Killian’s pinning gaze went up to meet my own and he shook his head, “I still have something to manage regarding the Northern border. Please don’t wait for me.”

I fought back a snarl and nodded.

It had always been something.

He simply refused to tell me what was going on, and I hated it.

I swiftly turned around to make my leave, but Killian’s hand was quick to land on my wrist, his eyes somewhat holding his pain as he easily put me to a halt. The sudden look of anguish on his face was enough to confuse me, and I looked at him in concern as I tried to decipher what kind of thought had bombarded his mind.

“What is it?” I asked him, my voice low as I kept my question solely between us.

Killian looked troubled as he struggled to collect his words, “You—Nothing. I just… I’m sorry I haven’t been home with you for a while.”

I studied his features for a brief moment and nodded, “It’s okay.”

His hand on my wrist loosened but refused to let go, and he glanced at the pack members behind him before gazing up at me again, “You’ll be fine?”

My wolf whined at his words that simply reeked of concern. Killian knew that I wasn’t doing well lately, and it bothered him that I was back to avoiding him again, he just didn’t know why.

He couldn’t. Not yet.

My features softened as my other hand went down to release his hold from my wrist. “I’ll be fine, Killian. Don’t strain yourself too much with your duties.”

With one last look at the werewolves seated on the long table, I turned around to make my leave.

As I began my short trek home, I didn’t need to look behind to notice that someone was following me, the scent of the werewolf familiar to my nose as I took a slow breath in.

“What are you doing, Maliha?” I stopped to look over my shoulder, my lips curling back to reveal my displeasure for being followed.

Maliha halted on her movements. Her features look surprised for a short moment before softening.

“I know,” her simply said, her voice soft yet careful as if she couldn’t risk anyone from hearing her words.

My body went cold, but I was quick to recover by sending her a warning glare, “What are you talking about, Healer?”

Maliha’s light eyes drifted down and stopped at my stomach before going up to meet my gaze, “I know, Valerie.”

My heart stopped and struggled to find my words as I tried blinking back the tears, and I swiftly turned around to make a quick leave, but Maliha managed to catch up with my strides and tug back at my arm.

I ripped my arm away from her hold and whipped around to face her completely, my features quickly crumbling in front of her eyes to show only my desperation.

“No one must know. He—He can’t know. Not yet.” My voice was held under a whisper, yet I failed to hide to edge to my words. The lump in my throat continued to grow, and I was struggling to keep my tears at bay as I tried to keep an even breath.

“Valerie, you need to calm down. Listen to me,” she grabbed both of my arms and gave them a light squeeze, her eyes looking up at me with immesurable calmness, “Everything will be okay.”

“Come with me, we’ll talk,” she told me quietly, her words careful, and I merely shook my head.

“I’m not going anywhere with you,” I snarled.

Maliha clenched her jaw, wearing a determined expression on her face as she stood before me, “You don’t know what you need.”

“And you do?” I released a bitter laugh, “What the fuck do I need that can possibly help me with where I am right now?”

The healer pressed her lips together and looked at me with an expression that displayed her genuine concern, “A friend.”

Maliha was off to the other side of the room, preparing herself a cup of tea while I remained seated by the coffee table.

“Would you like some tea?” Maliha questioned me and I gave her a brief shake of my head to decline.

She took her place across from me and settled her drink on the coffee table before leaning back on her seat.

Silence settled between us for a moment as my eyes ran over each corners of the room, and it took me a while to figure out that she was only waiting for me to start talking when I was most comfortable.

I glanced at the female and cleared my throat, fixing my posture on the seat.

“How’d you find out?” I mumbled, and an amused smile slowly appeared on the healer’s face.

“It’s a healer’s gift. We recognize a future when we see one, and it’s almost evident in yours.”

I avoided her gaze, my eyes dropping to the wooden floor as dread ran through me.

“You mean you sense chaos at its early stage,” I stated, my thoughts going forward to when the pup I was bearing finally breathes in the air of the world.

Maliha narrowed her eyes upon my statement. “A pup raised from abuse ensues chaos. You would know that, Valerie.”

I did, because I stood as an example for that fact alone. And to know that I was cursed with such history made me feel ashamed.

“That pup will grow with a lot of potential, just as long as you raise it far better than your father ever could with you.”

Tears were stinging my eyes, lost in the mess of my own emotions as I tried to comprehend my situation. My bottom lip was quivering, and I placed a hand over my mouth to keep the whimper from leaving my mouth, turning my head away from the Healer’s eyes.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what to do. I was cornered with predicaments that gave no options of escaping, and I failed to see what solution I could make in order to get the only thing that I wanted the most; peace.

Maliha’s eyes softened, her fingers twitching as if she was fighting the urge to do something.

I shook my head, tears blurring my vision as I crossed my arms above my chest, my shoulders curving forward in shame. But the more I tried to stop myself from shedding a tear, the more it became impossible, “I just—I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m sorry I failed to see how much your father had ruined you,” Maliha said, “He’d done nothing but make you fear yourself and everything else.”

“I don’t know what you’re—“

“I’m saying that you need to stop running from what is good and learn to embrace it, forget how your father taught you otherwise” she pressed on and looked at me straight in the eyes, “You just don’t see what you have right now because you’re scared, and you lack the trust to even allow it to make sense.”

I quivered at my father’s voice in my head, the grit of his teeth and the weight of his anger pressing down on me just after I received his boundless beating. Despite the years I spent free from his rage, his words continued to linger within my mind.

You’re a weak wolf, Valerianne. Your sentiments cripples you, and I expect nothing more from a mutt that you already are.

Recalling my father’s words pushed my wolf on edge, and I could feel the familiar heat of rage beginning to grow underneath my skin. The thought alone was enough of a trigger, feeling my wild sink its claws to the surface of me, and I immediately tried to keep her emotions in check.

“I’m not scared,” I stated quickly, my voice hard, yet it sounded more like I was trying to convince myself.

“You are,” Maliha’s eyes narrowed with a confident expression on her face, looking at me as if she knew me better than I ever could, “You just don’t realize that you let your fears hold you back, even on things that are good.”

“You have everything anyone in this pack could ever want, Valerie. A strong wolf, a pup, and a mate.”

I clenched my jaw, shaking my head as I avoided Maliha’s demanding gaze.

“He’s not my mate, Maliha. It’s the pull, it’s not as strong as it’s supposed to be.”

“A price to pay for abusing the antiserum. It damages your instincts as a werewolf, it numbs you to it,” the healer said, “You’ve always been his other half, aside from the mark that stayed on your neck, how else would you have survived the transfusion with Killian’s blood if you weren’t mated to him?”

Maliha’s gaze drifted from me, casting them down to the small cup of tea as her expression shifted to show her regret, “It was my mistake to let you possess and abuse the antiserum, I shouldn’t have helped you with it; I gave you the option to escape the Moon’s gift, and it’s a betrayal against Her that I will always stand guilty for.”

And when I learned escape through the antiserum, I lived only with the denial of my nature, never really trying to make amends with what I was.

You simply forget your bravery when you learn the means to escape.

“It’s this time that you stop denying what you have and submit to it, Valerie. You have an oncoming heir now, and you also have a male willing to fight wars on your behalf. You may not see it, but they have always been the peace that you deserve.”

Morning was not kind to me the next day.

I had woken up only to run straight to the bathroom and spewing whatever substance that was in my stomach.

I went to the kitchen for some water, and stopped on my tracks when my eyes landed on Killian making himself a cup of coffee.

I wasn’t expecting to face him a lot sooner, especially with new thoughts weighing down my mind. And after talking with Maliha, I couldn’t help but see him in a different light, my eyes travelling along his skin as if I hadn’t seen him in so long.

Killian gave me a glance as he stirred his coffee, his posture becoming awkward and unsure as he felt the familiar burn of my gaze running along his physique. I could see the goosebumps following along the path paved by my eyes on his arm, and it was enough to vindicate how strongly my actions affected him,

How strongly connected he was to me.

All along he had been mine, but I was merely too damaged to even notice it.

And my lips formed into a tight line upon hearing Maliha’s word echo in my head,

Submit to it.

I turned my gaze away from Killian as soon as I recovered from my reverie, shaking my head to myself as I cleared my throat.

“I take it you’re not too busy today?” I said, heading over to the fridge to grab some water before taking a seat at the small dining table.

Killian leaned against the sink and sent me a small smile, “There hasn’t been any problems around the borders recently after Heath and I changed the patrol system. Figured it wouldn’t hurt take a short break.”

I looked up and met his eyes, “That’s good.”

Killian didn’t look pleased with himself, the pleasantry of his words failing to match the frown on his face.

“You don’t look too happy about it. They gave up on us, what’s wrong?”

Killian shook his head, the muscles on his jaw working as he clenched his teeth, “But that doesn’t mean they’re not out there anymore, Valerie. We can’t underestimate them, not when they managed to infiltrate the pack unnoticed.”

I nodded understandingly, and my features softened upon noticing Killian completely worked up.

“You know, I was planning to go to the Northern lake… Since you’re not too busy, would you like to come with me?” I suggested as I studied chisled his face.

Truthfully, the idea just crossed my mind a few moments ago and I figured it could give me an opportunity to confirm my position with him, regardless of Maliha’s talk of enlightenment.

I just needed to know for myself, not from someone else.

Killian eyes met the floor, his posture almost shy as he processed my invitation. And he nodded, a small smile making its way up to his lips as he glanced at my seated figure.

“That would be nice.”

I sighed as we stopped at the dock by the lake, my eyes observing the familiar scenery as I dropped the bag of spare clothes on the ground.

Recalling the memory of me getting caught for my betrayal against Azeil’s command had a hard look crossing my features for a brief moment, and I glanced at Killian to see if he reacted the same, only to see his features calm as he looked at the water thoughtfully.

“Brings back horrible memories doesn’t it?” I laughed bitterly.

Killian shrugged, kicking a pebble away and into the water, “I wasn’t thinking about the horrible ones.”

I smiled, and his attention was then diverted to me when I kicked off my ankle boots. I glanced at him as I unbuttoned my jeans, and he swiftly looked away the moment I dragged them down and kicked it to the side before discarding my loose white shirt.

Left only in my underwear, I was about to jump into the water, but stopped to look at Killian over my shoulder questioningly.

“You’re not jumping in?”

I noticed the bob of Killian’s throat, his gaze struggling to remain centered on my face.

“You go on ahead.”

I nodded and simply obliged, diving smoothly into the water before swimming as far as I could go.

I didn’t bother breaking into the surface until my lungs were aching, taking my time completely submerged into the cold water as I moved ahead.

When I finally swam up to catch my breath, I heard Killian make a dive from behind, and it didn’t take him long to catch up on me and stop beside me while maintaining a thoughtful amount of distance between us.

“I used to come here a lot as a kid,” I told him, my eyes drifting to the calm motion of the water as a distant smile graced my face.

“What stopped you then?” Killian asked, and I looked at him to see the genuine curiosity on his face, as if anything that stood as a fact to how I lived my life was for his gratitude to know.

I gave him a weak smile as I processed his question.

As a pup, I would always go to the lake to break free from my father’s wrath; it was my haven. When I had no one else to shield me from the pain that greeted me at home, I had the water to offer me my solace, where even my tears would not have gone to waste.

“I stopped after what happened to my father,” I simply said.

And it was because I had nothing left to run away from anymore.

Killian’s features softened upon my answer, yet his eyes remained guarded. And I noticed how his expression shifted to become struggled, as if a thought had suddenly crossed his mind and me him realize something.

“Why did you bring me here with you, Valerie?” He asked, and my lips set into a straight line as the tone of his voice met my ears, the huskiness carrying the weight of his hurt.

And the way he looked at me like he was pleading for me not to lie had my eyes shifting away from his face as I let my thoughts run for a short while.

I figured if he deserved every bit of my truth.

“I needed to know a few things for myself,” I said and met his gaze again, “including you.”

Killian frowned, “What do you mean?”

Slowly, I moved myself close to him, his piercing eyes watching me intently. Decreasing the distance between us had his breath coming out deep and shallow, until I was close enough to place my hands over his shoulders.

“You know what happened the last time we got this close,” he reminded, his voice strained and shaken as his hands somehow found themselves resting on my waist. Despite his resolve, his body was quickly caving into me.

All my life I had only been acquainted with lust; it wasn’t expressive, promising, nor vulnerable, all it ever required was a carnal drive. And to touch Killian with tender intent was completely foreign to me, but it was something that I was prepared to explore.

I closed my eyes and drew my face closer to his, my cheek grazing the side of his face as I allowed myself to become attentive of Killian ruling my senses entirely.

I took in a slow drag of his scent, letting him fill my lungs and intoxicate me, and it was enough to draw me into a blissful haze.

“Valerie,” he murmured, my name leaving his mouth in a soft caress to my ears, and I grew weak to the way his tongue curled saying it.

My hand went around to make a soft glide along his back, feeling heat meet my palm from each contour of his muscles as he released a harsh breath.

I kept my eyes shut tight despite my urge to see the expression on his face, and continued my onslaught for answers that all along had been on his body, letting my senses take me where it needed to.

My movements were slow and relishing, taking my time to discern the draw I had for him while he fell apart underneath my touch.

I didn’t need to ask him, but I couldn’t help but need to hear it leave his mouth.

“Just how much do I affect you?” I questioned, my hand threading through the hair on the back of his head.

“So much that I get lost in everything,” he breathed out, and he almost lost his focus trying to stay afloat when he heard me greedily take in his smell for the second time, his hands quickly leaving my waist to put more effort into treading the water.

I remained heedful to his presence, my legs finding themselves wrapped around his narrow hips as I finally closed the distance between us, and I could feel the way his heart beat erratically against me—only for me.

My wolf was lost in the bliss of satisfaction, and I didn’t stop her from reaching and holding on to the bond that had long been neglected between Killian and I.

This time, I hadn’t tried reeling her back and deny her nature, and I gave her the freedom she needed and help me see what I was missing; I willingly granted my trust in her.

And there it was.

As my hand glided from his back and over to the side of his ribs, I began to feel the way his skin hummed along the delicate brush of my fingertips; It wasn’t strong, but it was there.

I was dismayed to know that that was only as far as I could go into feeling it, but I was grateful that I could still recognize it

I released a gasp, my eyes gingerly opening to land on his parted lips before going up to meet his gaze.

He looked lost in the trance as well, his eyes dazed only for me as my hands went up to cup his face. I noticed the way his irises dilated in front of me, and I could feel my fondness grow for him, feeding into the bond like a wood thrown into the fire,

And I welcomed the burn.

Everything felt right, like I was exactly where I belong. And I realized that all along that my purpose had long been standing in front of me,

My other half.

I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders as I looked at him with a single tear leaving the corner of my eye, but it tore me apart to know that I was never going to able to feel the extent of the bond and how greatly it could influence me.

But it was one of the consequences that I couldn’t help but think I deserved.

While Killian experienced the rawness of the pull, I was cursed to look only through a window, completely deprived of such feeling.

And who was to blame?

The hideous regret sat deep in the pit of my stomach.

“What are we doing?” Killian asked with a frown, and my eyebrows pulled together to reflect his own.

“What do you mean?”

He clenched his jaw, his features pained as he met my eyes, and I was quick to realize what caused it.

It was because of me.

“This thing between us, what are we doing?” he said, “One day you tell me you don’t want anything to do with me and then the next, you come back to make me feel like I actually mean something to you.”

“I don’t know where I stand with you, Valerie, and it’s—,” Killian released a breath, “It’s exhausting to have you close to me for a while, only for you to detach in the end. I just keep losing you over and over again.”

I couldn’t get rid of the ache in my chest as soon as I realized how much torment I’d caused him, and I couldn’t count how many times I had left him to suffer through my rejection.

“I… I’m so sorry, Killian,” I mumbled.

Pathetic.

It was pathetic to think that an apology could pay for what I had put him through, and it was because I didn’t have anything else to give.

“I’m a mess, more so than I ever expected.” I laughed bitterly, tears threatening to spill as I looked at him, and despite the amount of torment I caused him, his eyes still regarded me with unwavering tenderness.

“I kept pushing away the only one who ever cared for me because I was too lost in my head; you didn’t deserve that and I won’t question why you don’t trust me anymore. I’ve hurt my other half…,” I paused as I felt the knot in my throat, releasing a quivered breath as I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against his, “I’ve hurt you, and I’m so sorry it took me this long to find out.”

“You didn’t know?” Killian questioned, his voice soft.

“I couldn’t tell,” I told him, pained at my self-inflicted damage. “After taking so much antiserum, it managed to damage my senses. I was blinded from you.”

I froze up as his questioned dawned on me, pulling my head back to meet his eyes, “Killian… All this time, did you know?”

“After learning that you affected me differently and strongly than other werewolves I’ve ever encountered, I just pieced it together.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Killian’s eyes averted my own, “I just knew you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

My wolf winced at the pain in his words, and I could fell myself falling deeper into my own guilt and shame.

“I’ve accepted that I couldn’t be with you. I have no clue what I am and where I’m from, and you don’t need that—you don’t need someone hollow.”

At that moment, all I ever wanted was to prove him wrong and reassure him that he was everything I needed.

I placed my hands beneath his jaw and made him look at me, and I smiled as I took in his sharp features that never ceased to enthrall me.

“Killian,” I said softly, “It doesn’t matter to me if you can’t remember. I need you, and if you’re willing to give me a chance, I’ll prove it to you. I’ve been afraid for so long, and right now I’m telling you that I’m ready to make this work… for us.”

For the pup.

That alone had Killian’s façade taken down, his expression quickly crumbling to reveal his vulnerability. He looked torn, as if he had been aching for me to say that for a long time, and to finally hear me say it was enough to make him break.

But amidst our soaring bliss of finally coming into terms of one another, the sound of a howl had us freezing in recognition, its resonance loud and clear to us and everyone’s ears within the pack.

It was a howl for hostile breach, one that no pack would ever wish to hear as it unfolded to a frenzied fight for protection.

And the chilling warning came from the only werewolf that ceaselessly kept the borders in check,

Heath.

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