Sinful: A Dark Asylum Bully Romance (The Boys of Chapel Crest Book 5)
Sinful: Chapter 11

I rubbed my eyes, exhausted and worried off my ass, while I paced the length of the cave. My head was killing me. The snowflakes from the season’s first major winter storm were just starting to fall.

I was sick to death of living this way.

Him.

Me.

Where the fuck did I end, and he begin?

I paced again, the voice in my head.

Right here. You know that. In time.

Fucking damnit. Stop. Silence for one fucking day. Please.

You know we can’t do that.

Be real fucking nice if we did.

It’s not so bad. Could be worse, yes?

I let out a grumble.

Could try the meds again. They made us feel really fucked up, though, the familiar voice continued.

Not happening. We will suffer in silence.

I wouldn’t say silence. I’d like to think we get along well, locked in our mind. Together. Forever. The same. Different. Us. Us. US.

Fucking damnit. Enough. Don’t fuck with me unless it’s important.

It’s always important. For example, I’m only here to tell you to expect company soon.

That it?

No.

A soft laugh in my head before the voice spoke again.

I also wanted to tell you that I love you, my crazy fucking personality.

I sighed.

I love you too, my insane fucking warden.

I’d let you out to play more if you didn’t get carried away. You know that.

And I told you that I was breaking free soon.

Yes, well, I saw what happened when you decided to do things on your own. You almost got poor Bryce killed.

He almost got himself killed. No one told him to play pretend.

Yes, well, he loves her too. She’s easy to love.

And hard to stay away from.

Indeed. Look to the door. He comes.

The voice faded, and I was left with silence in my head. I exhaled, relishing the quiet I so rarely got.

I looked to the door of the cave. A moment later, Sin stepped inside, covered in snowflakes. He closed the makeshift door behind him and looked to me.

“Welcome,” I said, not bothering to go to him.

“It’s fucking cold out there,” he mumbled, stomping forward and putting the bag he was carrying onto the floor near the old couch. “I brought you some clothes like you asked for.”

I raised my brows at him. “I didn’t ask for clothes. We haven’t spoken in a long time, Sinclair.”

He rolled his gray eyes at me through the dim light of my heater.

“I don’t fucking know when you’re him and he’s you. Excuse me to hell. . . Mirage. It is Mirage, right?”

It was my turn to roll my eyes.

“Yeah, it’s Mirage.”

“Good. You two are hard to keep track of.”

“So we’ve been told,” I muttered, looking to my right and scowling.

“If it helps, Asylum is fucking weird.” Sin sat on the couch and stared at me.

“It doesn’t.”

He shrugged. “Didn’t figure it would.” He looked around the cave. “So. This is where you’ll be hanging?”

“Yeah.” I sat in the chair near the heater and rubbed my hands. It wasn’t freezing in here, but it wasn’t a sun-soaked beach either.

“Might need another heater,” Sin commented.

I nodded without a word.

“I’ll make sure to get one. I’ll get more propane, too, so you can use that little stove over there. Beats eating beans out of a tin can.”

“So what? I can eat it out of a pan?”

He shrugged at me. “Beggars can’t be choosers.”

I scoffed at him, irritated at the current situation.

“Listen, it won’t be long. Asylum will let you out more.”

“And you know this how?” I looked over at him.

He stared into the heater. “Because he said he would.”

“Right. Healing takes time.” I held my bandaged hand out.

“You know why he said you couldn’t come out, right? Even with that bandage on your hand?”

“I’m aware. He’s punishing me for fucking up. Bandage or not, I must pay my penance.”

Sin nodded. “I know a thing or two about that.”

I studied him for a long moment. His blond hair had been cut. It was shaggier than normal. He lost weight from his sadness but was still a big guy. His muscles still strained against his clothes ever so slightly. Enough to still be intimidating.

“Are you still hurting yourself?” I asked in a low voice as if these stone walls could hear my words.

He continued to stare into the heater. “Sometimes.”

“You need to stop.”

“Do I?” His gray eyes met mine. “What good would stopping do?”

“There are far worse things to be punished for, Sinclair. I would know.”

“Then you also know that none of the shit that happened was your fault. You didn’t hurt Sirena. That wasn’t you.”

“Wasn’t it?” I raised my brows at him. “It may not have been me, but it was my fault. Asylum escaping and getting close to her. . .” I sighed and looked to the ceiling of the cave as if divine intervention would save my treacherous soul.

“I don’t believe you or Asylum are sick,” he said softly. “We’re all fucked in the head in one way or another, but I don’t think you’re sick. Not like them. They need to die, and we need redemption.”

“Ah, the villains’ redemption arc.” I let out a sour laugh. “Whatever could two monsters do to make our atrocities right, Sinclair?”

“She loves you,” he said fiercely, his gray eyes boring into mine. “You know she does. Through all the shit, she loves you, Seth. Even Asylum. She loves him despite his crimes against her. I-I worry for her.” He went quiet again.

I cocked my head to the right as I watched him.

“If she could forgive you and Asylum, maybe there’s room in her heart to forgive me too,” he finally whispered.

I studied him, hurting for his pain as if it were my own. Hell, in a way, it was.

“I believe you can have that. That we all can have that. Asylum is the way.” I chuckled softly.

Best believe I am. Follow me. I know the way.

I focused on the silence and edged him out of my head. It was quiet once more.

“I don’t even know how to go about proving myself.” Sin scratched his head and shifted in his seat. “I beat myself. Cut myself. I-I pray to a god who probably only wants my suffering. I’m at a loss.”

“I don’t know other than to just keep going.” I sat back. “With Asylum’s plan, I think he’ll get you close enough to her. It’s you who needs to reach out and take what you want.”

“And you’d be OK with that? Me taking her?” He crinkled his brows, his focus on me.

I shrugged. “Look, I understand she’s capable of loving more than one person. I’d be honored to be included in it. If she wants me and wants you and the watchers. Asylum. I’d not hesitate. I’d fall to my knees for my goddess and worship her.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed. “What if I can’t fix this?”

I sat forward. “We tried to kill her. She still kissed me willingly. She still sought me. I think there’s hope for you, Sinclair. Just reach out.”

He scoffed at me and shook his head. “I’m not good at this shit. Even this conversation feels uncomfortable.”

I waved him off. “Don’t worry about it. I rarely get to speak to people being so. . . locked up. Even the uncomfortable conversations are better than no conversations.”

“Well, you have Asylum in your head.”

I snorted. “Sometimes. At least you’re near enough to punch him when he starts his shit. All I can do is wish I could pull him out of my head and lay him on his ass.”

Sin gave me an actual smile. “You’d not do it.”

I laughed at that. “Probably not. While he pisses me off, for better or worse, he’s the voice in my head.”

Sin let out a soft laugh. “He’s the voice in mine too.”

“The devil on your shoulder,” I mused. “The wind at your back, pushing you forward.”

Sin smirked at me. “That’s you too, Seth. You’re the same. I’d have killed myself already. Probably. One of my cuts would have eventually been deep enough.”

I cocked my head to the right again and stared at him, my eyes narrowed. “No, I don’t believe you would have. You wanted an outlet, not to be dead. Sometimes, hurting ourselves is the only way to bleed our emotional pain out and focus on something different for a moment. A different pain that can divert our attention. That can give our hearts a moment of peace. Give our minds some ease. I would know.”

He glanced to my wrists, which were covered by the sleeves of my dark hoodie.

I swallowed hard. “I also have punished myself.”

“Do you still do it?”

I chewed my bottom lip for a moment before answering. “Yes. On occasion. Asylum gets angry with me, but what are demons good for if not to get pissed off when you try to cut them out of you.”

“He’s not really in you, though,” Sin said gently. “I mean, he is, but still. He’s in me too sometimes.”

“He’s the parasite I can’t live without.” I let out a mirthless chuckle. “But I do love him despite it all. I suppose that says more about me than it does about him.”

“I feel that way about the watchers. They wanted me dead, but I still love the hell out of them. Church still wishes for my death, I’m sure. In fact, he’s made it clear I can fuck off and die.”

I waved him off. “Dante will come around eventually. Besides.” I shifted in my seat and gave him a sinister smile. “It’s not actually him you need to impress to make your way back into their group.”

Sin raised his brows at me.

“It’s her,” I finished. “Dante and the guys will give her whatever she wants. You know this. I know this. Asylum fucking knows it. Why do you think he’s playing the angle he’s playing? He knows if he just goes to the watchers and asks to fuck her, too, they’ll tell him to go to hell. It’s why he’s working on her. He makes himself important in her recovery. He’s worked his way beneath her skin as I have. Then she needs him. Needs me. Can’t live without us. When she finally gives in, the watchers will witness it. They’ll welcome us in with open arms for her. If you want to go home, Sinclair, she’s your fucking compass, my friend.”

He sat straighter. “I-I can’t fuck up again.”

I shook my head. “No. You can’t.”

“I don’t know how to do this shit. I’ve always been a fuck-up with women. Fuck, I don’t want to hurt anymore. What if it doesn’t work? What if—”

“Stop.” I held my hand up. “You think too much. If you need to think on it, consider this. What if it does work? Huh? I’m not a believer in manifesting destiny or anything like that, but I do believe that if you change your way of thinking, your journey will be more enjoyable. Don’t you want an enjoyable journey?”

“I do,” he murmured.

“Then positive thinking. Let the darkness belong to us and the night. For now, focus on being better and not doubting shit about yourself. You’re a survivor, so fucking live, Sinclair. Don’t do it for the watchers. For Sirena. Do it for you because you deserve it just as much as the next crazy fuck. Got it?”

“Yeah,” he answered thickly, getting to his feet. “Yeah. I mean, fuck. I’ll try.”

“It’s all we can do. I need a nap. My head hurts.”

“Will you be OK here?”

“I’ve been here a long time. A little longer won’t kill me.”

“Where do you go when you’re. . . gone?”

“Always working.” I sighed. “Building a better life. Making points of contact. Taking down the man.”

He stared me down for a moment before nodding, obviously deciding to not pursue questioning me. “I’ll bring the propane and another heater. They’re calling for at least a foot of snow. I’ll try to get it back to you before it starts coming down hard.”

I waved him off. “Don’t kill yourself over it. Worse comes to worse, I’ll blanket off one of those smaller rooms and take the heater in there. I’ll be fine. I’ve spent a fair number of winters here.”

He nodded and walked to the door.

“Hey, Sinclair?”

“Yeah?” He looked at me from over his shoulder.

“Tell Asylum he owes me fifty bucks.”

“Can’t you just dial him up in your head and tell him?”

I smiled at him. “I’d rather you get to see his face when you tell him.”

He chuckled and shrugged before leaving me alone in the cave with nothing but silence in my head.

I couldn’t ask for a more perfect evening.

Well, unless it included my Rinny.

But I’d get there. Eventually.

I smiled at that.

One. Two. I’m coming for you. Three. Four. You’ll scream some more.

In fact, many would by the time we were done.

What a sweet nightmare that would be.

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