Sincerely
Chapter 5: Deckard

I was grateful to Lev for all he’d done to make me feel better but I wished I could tell him more. But I knew I would be risking my freedom if I did. Smelling the candle was like standing in Carlos’ office looking over his shoulder as he wrote or sitting huddled in a corner reading one of his books or stories. It smelled like home, I hadn’t even realized his house was home until I was forced to leave. I watched the flame flicker back and forth in the dark as I told Lev about Carlos, making sure to omit his name or specific details that would give away his identity each time.

When he offered a hug, I hesitated but I wanted to. I set the candle down on the railing of his balcony and stepped closer to him. He took me in his arms and held me as I felt tears slip from my eyes.

“I’m crying,” I murmured in shock quietly.

“It’s okay,” he whispers pulling back to look at me.

“I’ve never cried before,” I murmured.

“Do you feel any better?” he asks.

I shrugged, I still felt sad, and angry at Huxley. I was an android, why would he be jealous of me?

“It will take time,” he whispers gently. “It doesn’t go away overnight or even after a week or a month, even after a while, there will be days when you miss him,” he adds quietly. “It’s not bad to think about good memories you had together when you do miss him.”

I glance at the clock inside his house on the wall.

“It’s late, I should get going,” I state quietly.

He lets me go and I wish quickly after, he hadn’t. I missed that closeness and comfort.

“I’ll see you around,” I comment quickly, not wanting him to notice anything is amiss.

“Yeah, don’t forget the candles,” he called after me as I departed from his balcony.

I stepped back inside with the candle he had lit for me in hand before pausing to pick up the other two he’d bought for me, I saw it then, sitting on his table. His police badge from the Seattle Police Department. I froze briefly before picking up the candles and slipping out of his apartment quickly.

Was he onto me? Did he sense or know? Why was he being so nice, was he trying to coerce a confession out of me? I slipped out of the building and went to the nearest bus stop to catch it back in the direction of Elias' house.

Was that why he had shown up asking if everything was okay earlier? Had he known and been trying to warn me without setting Lev off to the fact that he knew? I didn’t want Lev to be my enemy, but I didn’t want to risk my safety and freedom either. I didn’t know what to do, I felt what was described as betrayal according to the internet.

I arrived back at Elias’ place at around 9:30 pm. I paused outside, hesitating before turning the doorknob.

Something else struck me, Lev’s words about Elias.

Some people are more trouble than they’re worth.

What was that supposed to mean? Elias was currently harbouring a fugitive, had he done worse? It would make sense that Lev knew because he was part of the police force. I wasn’t sure who to believe at this point but I didn’t have a lot of options, so I decided to weigh them for a little longer before choosing sides.

When I entered, Elias was at his computer, typing away.

“Oh, you’re alive,” he comments.

“Yeah,” I comment eyeing him.

“You know Lev is a cop,” he continues.

“Yeah,” I reply.

“You looking to end up in that scrap yard?” he comments.

“He doesn’t know anything. He was showing me around my new job,” I reply mildly annoyed.

“Just be careful,” he comments.

“He said the same about you,” I state plainly.

“At least I won’t rat you out,” he throws back.

I was losing my patience, at least Lev didn’t keep poking the bear, Elias didn’t know when to shut up. I set the candles down beside the couch, I laid down on it feeling tired or exhausted despite not needing sleep normally.

“I’m serious, Deckard. I warned you, so if you slip up and he finds out, it’s on you now,” he replies turning from his computer towards the couch.

I ignore him, playing the moment he hugged me over and over again in my head. I wish I could go back to it. To stay in that moment forever. But I was back here with Elias now, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought that moment might have all been an act. An act that I somehow passed without knowing, luckily, even if I wasn’t guilty.

Elias went back to typing on his computer and I felt the clicking become an annoying non-rhythmic sound. Lev’s apartment had been so quiet, the only sounds were the passing cars below the balcony. I let my mind wander back to when he looked at me after I had said I was crying.

He didn’t look like he was looking for a confession, and even if I had confessed at that moment, would it even be usable in court? We weren’t a police station and emotions were high, I could have been just expressing the guilt I felt over his death, which I did feel at the end of the day. But I hadn’t killed him, Huxley had done that. With a knife nonetheless. I hoped it wasn’t that painful because he was asleep when it happened.

My mind just kept going in circles, stuck on thoughts of Carlos and whether Lev knew I was his android or not. Would he have allowed me to leave if he knew? I doubted it. But did I want to risk him finding out because he made me feel, I don’t even know what I felt, less, lonely maybe? Maybe like he understood what it was like to lose somebody close to you?

I heard Elias shut his computer eventually and retire to his bedroom and I was left in darkness. I didn’t know if I should return to the foodbank or see Lev again. I was truly torn. I lie in the dark wondering what he was doing now.

Would the truth even matter to him if I told him? Would he even believe me? Or would he believe Huxley’s narrative like the news and the people? People often followed the masses but there were always outliers, I didn’t know if Lev was an outlier or willing to risk his job for it though, even if part of his job was to get justice for the victim and the family, and I was technically part of Carlos’ family because I had cared for and looked after him, while Huxley had left him on his own.

My brain wondered too far into the dark and like before I passed out again, somehow, it was an odd feeling but I was grateful for the reprieve it gave me from my own thoughts and feelings because my thoughts were beginning to wonder to odd places, what would happen if Lev did catch me? What would have happened if Lev did more than just hug me?

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