Sincerely
Chapter 21: Deckard

I was worried I had pushed Lev too far. I had just wanted to make out with him but maybe he thought I wanted more, even if I couldn’t provide more. Maybe one day I could, there were correctly anatomical androids that humans used to fill their needs, and I imagined it would be easier for them to deviate, being filled and surrounded by emotions daily.

I don’t know if Lev was ready, I wasn’t either. I had just wanted to enjoy his company and I had pushed it too far. I lay on the couch, alone now, disinterested in sleep, and my mind drifted back to Carlos. His diary and the candles were in Lev’s room and I wasn’t about to anger him further by disturbing him when he wanted to be alone so I was left with just my thoughts and memories.

I remembered Carlos talking about his wife, Huxley’s mother. How much he loved her, and how Huxley had changed after her passing. He became angry, sad and wrapped up in drinking and gambling. Carlos knew he was hurting and he had attempted to offer help, but Huxley had repeatedly rejected it. So, he had to draw the line. It was why I was taking care of him, instead of Huxley. If only Huxley had dealt with his grief differently, maybe Carlos would still be here.

I wasn’t regretting meeting Elias, or Lev but maybe if I hadn’t, Lev wouldn’t be hurt right now. I was surrounded by my guilt and sat in it until morning. I went in early to pack up Lev and I’s stuff and bring it out to the sedan. I avoided his room like the plague after. Josh had picked up on it quickly.

Lev went to go help Cleo and Toby take their stuff out to the sedan and see his mother off as she was going back to Seattle so people wouldn’t miss her.

“What’s going on?” he asked. “Did you two fight?”

I paused unsure how to explain it without being too detailed.

“I did something he didn’t like, I should have asked him beforehand,” I replied quietly avoiding Josh's eyes.

“Whatever it is, you two need to make up. You need to be on the same page and not distracted if you want to keep ahead of the police and Huxley,” he comments.

I only nodded, still unsure how I was going to do that.

Lev came back about ten minutes later, I stood back silently as he said his goodbyes to Josh.

“He’s learning, don’t be too hard on him,” I heard Josh whisper.

Lev looked up at him, but didn’t say anything or have much emotion.

I was worried I had screwed things up.

Josh went back down the stairs leaving us on the main level of the lighthouse alone.

Lev rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“I’m sorry,” he started.

“Why are you sorry? I’m the one who went too quickly and didn’t ask,” I replied.

“I should have made more clear boundaries,” he replied quietly. “I don’t want sex from you, outright,” he stated clearly. “I like you, romantically. Sexually, I’ve never been interested in things like, with anyone.”

“I wasn’t trying to have sex with you, if we’re being clear. I was trying to make out with you, however,” I replied clearly in return. “I like kissing you, so how much is too much?”

He blushed a bit.

“I didn’t want you to think I needed sex to like you or want to be with you,” he started.

“Okay, but when we’re close, it makes me feel like we're safe and it does feel nice being close and kissing you,” I explain gently.

“I know, I just didn’t want either of us to be pressured into doing things we didn’t want to,” he stated clearly.

“If we both want the same things, we won’t be. But talking also helps, if I do things you don’t like, you need to be honest, and I’ll do the same,” I reasoned.

“Okay,” he replies quietly.

I hold my hand out to him, hoping to make peace with him. He reached out and took it and pulled me closer, his hand moving from mine to my shirt collar. He kissed me gently on the lips.

“You look tired, you should try to sleep on the drive down there,” he commented when he pulled back.

He released my shirt.

“I didn’t sleep last night, I was worried I’d hurt you even though you said I hadn’t,” I replied.

“You didn’t, I promise. Come on, Cleo and Toby are waiting,” he adds nodding to the door.

My hand returned to his and he led me out to the sedan. The snow had stopped falling and the wind had stopped blowing. The lake looked like a giant grey hole surrounded by white. Lev’s car was the only brightly coloured thing for miles out here.

Lev only released my hand when we neared the car so we could go and get in our respective sides. Toby and Cleo were sitting in the back already. The engine was on providing heat for Toby and Lev so they could stay warm. Toby was distracted by some small electronics in the back. Cleo was smiling watching him.

We got in and Lev put the sedan in drive and did a U-turn to go back out onto the road we had used to get here. It took about forty-five minutes before we merged back onto a main highway, I hadn’t been paying much attention on the way here, as I had had my head buried in Carlos’ diary.

The fields, ditches and trees were covered in white, and the road was just a long black strip that stretched for miles. Cleo was resting looking out one of the back windows as Toby was still entranced by his game. I felt something touch my hand. I looked down and saw Lev’s hand holding mine as he drove. I looked up but his eyes were focused on the road. I smiled even though he couldn’t see it and left my hand there, only lacing our fingers slightly tighter. We’d figure this out. We weren’t alone, the people fighting the same battle we were, were growing.

They couldn’t deny who or what we were forever. We were people and we were alive. I laid back and closed my eyes, trying to rest, I felt better when I did, even though it wasn’t a necessity for androids. I could hear the quiet hum of the radio and the wheels on gravel outside, and the roar of the engine and I could feel the heat of Lev’s hand in mine.

Everything did go black eventually for a good few hours, when I came to, we were stopped at a gas station, Lev was filling the sedan up with gas before he went inside the convenience store. He came back with some snacks for himself and Toby. I looked back, both Cleo and Toby were out cold.

Lev smiled at me when he got back in the car.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked.

“We don’t sleep, I guess we power down or recharge,” I stated.

“Same thing, do you feel better?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess,” I replied shrugging.

“Good,” he commented touching my thigh gently. “We should be there within the next forty-five minutes. I had to stop here because this is the last gas station until we get there and we probably wouldn’t have been able to make it there and back here.”

He turned the sedan back on and pulled out of the gas station and back onto the highway which was surrounded by pine trees. Everything was covered in snow and all you could see were trees and snow for miles. About twenty minutes later, Lev turned onto a snow-covered dirt road surrounded by trees. Our car could barely fit down the narrow road. We passed other roads that led off into the abyss before finally turning onto another road about fifteen minutes later.

Several minutes later we came upon the cabin. It was made of thick logs and the lights were off inside indicating no one was home, which was good, for us. Lev parked the car and we both got out, leaving Cleo and Toby in the back seat. I followed him up to the front door where he opened the mailbox and pulled out a key. They probably didn’t expect thieves to come all the way out here and they were lucky we weren’t thieves.

Lev opened the cabin and placed the key back inside the mailbox. We both stepped inside, Lev turned on the light just inside the door. The place was tight. Off the foyer was the living room which was small, with only one couch and a TV, next to it was the kitchen which was a strip with every appliance on either side of a narrow-tiled hall.

We turned and looked on one side of the hall, where there was a child’s bedroom and a guest bedroom and on the other side of the hall was the master bedroom.

“Let’s go get Cleo and Toby settled in,” he replied nodding back to the front of the cabin and the sedan.

I followed him, and we both gently woke them, we carried all our things inside and set them in the rooms we’d be sleeping in. Toby complained he was hungry so Lev gave him some of the snacks he’d bought at the convivence store. Cleo said she’d watch over him and make sure he stayed out of trouble if we wanted some alone time after being in a car with them for five or six hours.

Lev yawned signalling he was tired. It was his turn to get some rest. I nodded my thanks to Cleo and led him back to the master bedroom.

Lev changed out of his dark jeans and sweater, into jogging pants and a t-shirt so he could sleep comfortably. That was when I spotted several scars on his back. I hadn’t noticed the last time he’d changed in front of me because he was facing toward me.

He came and sat down on the bed to pull his socks off. I touched his back, running my hand over where the scars would have been had he not put a t-shirt on. He paused.

“Where did the scars come from?” I asked gently. He dropped the socks he had pulled off on the floor.

I realized I might have hit another sore spot.

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me, it’s none of my bus-” I started to apologize but he stopped me before I could finish.

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