Julia Lelieveld and the fifth element
~22~

I couldn’t say more. While I was talking I realized that I was telling it very extensively for my own sake. The therapists had let me tell them little bits and pieces and they kept adding to them. But now it was different. Sam couldn’t complete it, so I did it myself automatically. Yes, that was it. I was talking on autopilot.

I was really surprised that I managed to tell.

My emotions raced through my body, but not as I expected. It seemed like something fell off me now that I’d shared it with someone.

I felt my heart make room for something else. Other feelings. As if I suddenly had a very small piece that made me feel more human and I felt more myself.

Now that I lay in Sam’s arms against his beautiful strong body, I suddenly felt a different emotion.

How could this be? I had just shared my nightmare with him. I expected to be a wreck. That I couldn’t stop crying because all the memories would be burned into my soul. Of course I had seen all the images in front of me and felt like shit. Of course I was sad, but I had been that way for about nine months.

The feelings slowly seeped into the very small open space my heart had made after I exposed myself like that. Feelings I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Feelings of affection, love, lust and excitement. This was very weird for me. I wouldn’t even dare to feel that way anymore. I would feel guilty to my mother and father that I could have different feelings. As if they would no longer be in my heart, which of course was nonsense. I would never, ever forget my mother.

I remembered the feelings I had. I’d had them on vacation last year when I was with Sam, only they seemed a lot more intense now.

As if Sam could see inside my head, he pressed me tightly against him and put his other arm around me as well. He gave me a long intense kiss on my hair.

That did me good. As if he was trying to say that he was very sorry for me and that he would always be there for me.

I noticed that I was pressing my body against him too. That I crossed my leg over his, that I wrapped my arm that rested on his stomach around his waist and pressed him even closer to me if that was still possible.

After that intense moment, he raised his head slightly and I felt him look at me. I turned my head to him and looked at him.

His gray-green eyes full of emotion looked at me intently. That was enough, that look in his eyes said more than all the words he could say.

We looked at each other for a moment, I felt his breathing and his heart speed up, just like mine. I found myself wanting to kiss him. I wanted to let go of the feelings I hadn’t felt in so long. He probably saw it in my eyes, because very slowly he bent his head towards mine. Like holding his hand to my scar to give me enough time to make my own decision. But I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to give in to my feelings.

I took my arm from his waist and wrapped it around his neck. I felt his muscles tense and I gave a little pressure behind his neck so that he would come closer to me faster. At the same time, I brought my head to his and our lips met.

His soft full lips pressed gently against mine. It felt fantastic. Like I’d never kissed before. The feelings coursing through my body were overwhelming. It was the opposite of how I’d felt for the past nine months. It seemed like I was really going to start living again. That my life started again where it left off nine months ago. I found myself pressing even more tightly against him. That I made the kiss even more intense. And he answered my kiss. He pressed his lips harder on mine. He turned my body so that I was half on top of him and he grabbed me tightly with both arms. I felt his one hand rest on the back of my head and his other on my lower back. Now that my other arm was free, I grabbed him by the shoulder. We just fit together, just like we danced.

The fire he sparked in me started in my lips and found its way all the way down. My lungs filled with its wonderful scent. I felt my stomach on fire. How it made its desires feel to me. I also felt that he was excited, I felt his jeans tighter at his crotch.

I’d never gone that far with a guy to feel that, but it didn’t bother me. I actually liked it.

While we let our feelings run free, I heard a voice in my head telling me to take it easy. Otherwise, I would start to regret letting myself get carried away with these desires here. I wanted to ignore the voice until I realized he was slowly bringing his hands to my waist and slowly pushing my shirt up. He was just as excited as I was.

I felt his warm strong hands encircle my waist and they moved up gently but firmly, taking my shirt with them.

Without hesitation, I parted from his lips for a moment and he pulled it off. Now his warm hands ran all over my back. I felt him stroke my muscles. He grabbed me by my rib cage and ran his thumbs up the sides of my breasts.

Through my black lace bra I could feel every warm touch and a shudder of pleasure went through me. I tried to kiss him even more forcefully as one hand slipped under his shirt. His warm body felt fantastic.

I followed his hard abs upwards with my fingers. I stopped when I landed on his chest. I felt his heart race under my touch.

Automatically I was pushed on top of him and I felt his hard bulge in his pants. I found myself putting pressure on the bulge in his pants with my bottom. I heard a moan escape from his lips which set my insides on fire. My stomach jumped with pleasure. Without thinking, my hand automatically went to his fly. For a moment I felt him stiffen, wouldn’t he want this?

While I was wondering, he had put his hand on my ass and pressed me hard against him. He wanted this all too much, just as much as I wanted it.

Right now, a whirlwind of heat and desire swept through my body.

Our kiss had become even more intense, we moved our bodies to the soft rhythm that came out of the boxes. As if we were dancing very sensually horizontally. It was a fantastic feeling.

I felt his tongue slide against my teeth which made me melt. I myself had bitten his lower lip gently, which released a similar moan from his throat.

I felt the muscles in my lower abdomen tighten every time I put pressure on his crotch. How he reacted by pushing me even harder against him. I didn’t know something like this could feel so good. I always thought it would be exciting, or uncomfortable. It was anything but that. It was delicious.

Suddenly I heard something beeping, which had been going on for a while, but only now dawned on me. With a lot of effort I broke away from him and then heard that it was my phone. Shit, that was the alarm. The boys were probably already waiting in the cloakroom.

I looked at Sam. His eyes had darkened a few shades, I wondered if my eyes were also darker. Our breaths were fast, as if we had run for a while. I returned his gaze intensely. And let a small smile escape my lips.

I saw some relief in his eyes and he smiled too. He put his arms around me and pressed me against him.

“What a great girl you are,” he whispered hoarsely in my ear.

I looked at him again.

“Are you okay?” he asked worriedly.

“Better than I expected.” I smiled.

I really meant it. I didn’t know which factors had played a role. But I felt a little lighter. I had overcome my fear and celebrated it right away. Gosh, what a fantastic boy he was too.

“Sorry, I let myself go for a while.” He looked at me shamefully.

“Me too,” I said to him, raising my eyebrows mischievously.

When he saw that he started laughing and we both knew it didn’t matter. Just like last year, we had a great time together. But we had already decided that we are actually more friends than lovers. We were able to talk and joke with each other. We were naturally attracted to each other, otherwise this would never happen. And in the back of my mind I hoped that I would be able to see him again, curious what would happen then. I should feel guilty about it, but I didn’t. After nine months I finally felt a bit like my old self again.

My phone still beeped a bit absently in my purse. I pressed off his chest and grabbed my purse and took out my phone.

Luckily I wasn’t late. In ten minutes they wouldn’t get really angry. I let out a deep sigh of relief.

I looked at him again in his beautiful eyes. It was a shame I had to leave already. Maybe just as well. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t set that alarm. Then I might lose my virginity up here in the VIP section of a club. That’s definitely not how I imagined it. So glad it didn’t get that far. If it had come this far, it really wouldn’t have been a big deal. Sam was a very sweet and reliable boy, which I naturally had feelings for. Otherwise I would never have been able to expose myself like that. Literally and figuratively. But we both knew it was right. And if we could see each other again, that would be really nice.

“Is it time to go?” he asked a little regretfully.

“Yeah, the guys are probably already waiting for me.” I couldn’t hide the disappointment in my voice. He smiled at me briefly and took me in his arms for a good-bye hug. When he loosened his grip I gave him another intense kiss.

After we had struggled to break free, I got up and looked for my shirt. It lay between the large round cushions. That damn light also kept shifting, I could barely tell the difference between a pillow and my shirt. I quickly put on the shirt and hung my bag on my shoulder. I wanted to open the curtain already but Sam grabbed me again. He gave me a kiss on my hair ‘I’m sorry about everything’ and held me close for a moment.

“Thank you for listening.”

“Thank you for confiding in me.”

And with those words we left our intimate place and walked down the stairs to the cloakroom. Halfway up the stairs I saw the boys already standing. They looked at us with wide and suspicious eyes. I could see from Bas’s look that not much had happened tonight. His face was just barely a thunderstorm. Peet and Eddie, on the other hand, looked very happy. Their evening had probably been successful.

“Hi guys.”

“Gosh Julia, it’s about time,” said Peet in a teased, irritating way with a big wink. I couldn’t suppress a laugh.

“Sorry, but I’m here now, so shall we go?”

“Okay, we’ve already picked up your coat.” Eddie handed me my coat and already turned to the exit.

“Thank you.” But I don’t know if he heard that.

I turned back to Sam, who looked at me with an almost infatuated smile. “Take care of yourself.”

“I will.” We gave each other another kiss and I turned around.

Bas was the only one who was still watching and he didn’t look happy. We walked in silence to the car. I didn’t want to let my first good mood in nine months ruin it. Selfish of course. Bas was my friend and I really couldn’t stand seeing him like this.

I wanted to take his hand, but he wouldn’t let me. Geez, he was really angry.

Well, he probably didn’t accept my good intentions.

When we were in the taxi, it immediately drove home at high speed. It was already around three o’clock so it was quiet on the road. After a few minutes I heard Eddie who was sitting in the front and Peet who was sitting on my left side, actually half lying against me, sleeping. Bas, who was sitting to my right, had his arms folded demonstratively and looked sullenly out the window. Just give it one more try.

“If there’s anything I can do for you, just let me know.”

“You can do one thing for me.”

I turned my head to him hesitantly, he said it in such a way as if it was my fault he felt this way. I looked at him questioningly.

“You could do your shirt right.”

He looked vulnerable, as if he didn’t like to say it at all. My shirt? Oh shit, you weren’t going to mean that. That rotten light there too. On the one hand, I was already happy that I had found my shirt, but damn, now I was wearing it wrong. What will he think of me? I looked at it again. He was right. My shirt was inside out. I gently pushed Peet off me and took off my jacket and handed it to Bas.

“Would you like to hold this?”

“What are you going to do then?” He looked at me wide-eyed.

“What do you think?”

With those words, I took off my shirt, turned it properly, and put it back on.

I looked at Bas and he was still looking at me wide-eyed. He probably didn’t expect that. Oh well, what difference does it make in a bra or a bikini?

I took back my jacket from Bas and put it back on.

“Thanks,” I said to him.

He looked at me inquiringly. “I would have guessed you differently,” he finally said.

Estimated differently? What did he mean by that again?

“Who was that boy?” he said in a reproachful manner.

Actually, this was none of his business, certainly not in the way he asked me. But on the other hand, he was a friend of mine. And honesty came first.

“An old friend.”

“Do you do that with all your old friends?”

No, he didn’t mean this for sure, did he? There seemed to be a hint of jealousy in his voice.

“Jesus Bas, what do you think of me?”, I said in a slightly irritated tone.

“That still doesn’t answer my question. Do you do that with all your friends?”

This time he had omitted the word “old”. I don’t know what was wrong with him, but he really went out of his way. He might as well say I was a slut because it came down to the same thing.

“No Bas, I don’t do that with all my friends. I don’t know, it felt familiar, like the old days, it was nice.”

And it was. I needed it. The familiar feeling Sam gave me. The security and the part that was really called love. His strong arms around me. I just needed it and until two minutes ago it made me feel a bit more Julia too. Julia from before the accident, from before all the misery that had been.

“If I’m horny I don’t grab every girl I meet.” He said it very softly, I thought with the intention of not hearing it. More to himself. This really hurt to hear. This confirmed my feeling that he thought I was some slut.

I didn’t feel like going on the defense.

“You know, Bass? You may also need it for completely different reasons. But you probably don’t know that, because it sounds like you’re only thinking of one thing.” With those words I turned my head and looked straight ahead. I was done with it. He really hurt me. Maybe I had hurt him with my behavior, I don’t know. But he had no right to talk about me like that.

Bas had no reply. He turned his head to the window and looked out all the way back.

Despite the driver’s speed, the way back seemed ten times longer than the way out. The conversation just kept playing in my head. Wondering how it had come this far? I didn’t want this at all. I didn’t want to argue with Bas. But why did he act like this? I couldn’t help it that his expectations of the evening didn’t come true.

Finally we stood in front of the barrier of the Hill park. The taxi driver woke the boys up and they got out one by one. Bas looked at me, I couldn’t control his gaze.

“Do you come? Then my mother can take you home.” He held out his hand to me.

I didn’t want to go to his house anymore. Let alone drive home with his mother. Then of course I had to explain my behavior and I didn’t want to tell her this conversation with Bas at all.

“No, I’ll go home by taxi. Thank your mother for me.”

He looked at me hurt. He shrugged and closed the door. Geez, I really hurt him. But yeah, he hurt me a lot too.

“What address, young lady?”

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