Julia Lelieveld and the fifth element
~14~

Monday it was time for math again. It wasn't until we walked to geography that I could ask Eva and Bas how their friends were doing.

They were all in the hospital, but luckily they would be fine.

She immediately apologized for not letting me know in the haste and for letting me come to them for nothing. I wondered why she said that. Wouldn't Daan have said anything about our evening? I decided I would ask later.

The rest of the day passed normally. I could have enjoyed working on my paper for history.

I hadn't heard anything more from Eva and Bas about Daan. Wouldn't they know or shouldn't they tell?

I figured I'd bring it up if he was really gone, at least they wouldn't be able to ask him about it.

The days went by quickly, before I knew it it was Wednesday afternoon and time for a block hour gym. I had already heard it was for a grade. I walked with Eva to the changing rooms. She told me that she had joined the school's volleyball team and that she was allowed to play a practice game that night so the coach could determine if she would be on the team. She seemed nervous, she'd told me she'd always wanted to be on the volleyball team. We walked into the locker room and we were one of the last. Everyone was already getting changed and some were ready. I watched some of them touch up their makeup and push their breasts up in their bras. Of course they wanted to impress the gym teacher. It was therefore absolutely not annoying to look at him, but was he waiting for this? A couple of teenage girls who thought they had a chance with him? I closed my eyes for a moment and shook my head and laughed to myself.

Sandra was there too, of course, she gave me a dirty look when I entered. What a bitch. It's unbelievable that she judged someone so quickly. When we walked to our spot I saw that there was water on the ground in front of us, but I was too late, I felt my foot slip on the ground and off I went. I fell to the ground with a hard thud. I felt my left leg hit the hard floor hard and my left arm tried to break the fall but also shot through.

"Goddamn it."

It was out before I knew it. I tried to get up but also swung my right arm on the water. Eva took my hand and helped me up.

"Come on, are you okay?" she asked, concerned.

"Yes," I said with a big sigh. I got up and rubbed my left hip. That was really going to be a bruise, my left wrist also hurt, but I couldn't see anything. I sat down on the bench in the middle of the dressing room. I heard someone slamming his locker shut and walking towards me. I looked up and Sandra was standing in front of me with her arms folded and a hypocritical smile on her face.

"Gosh, you know how to make an entrance, don't you," she said in a very sarcastic way. "I don't feel like this, Sandra," I said in a weary voice.

"Oh, so I'm not good enough for Madame Popular?" she said mockingly. I looked at her questioningly. "What does that mean?" I asked her. "Well,"

she began in an irritated tone, "you've only been in school for a few

weeks and you're already fully integrated into the popular group, I just wonder

how you managed that," she said accusingly. I didn't think I was popular

at all. I was just incredibly lucky to be able to call Eva and Bas my friends,

and I couldn't help it if they happened to be popular, but I would never show

Sandra that. "How about just being nice?" I retorted. She was

speechless for a moment. But soon she got that hypocritical smile on her face

again. "I'll find out what you did for it," she told me. No, now she

really went too far, like I was going to buy my friendship. What a bitch, I

couldn't let this happen to me. I stood up and tried to ignore the pain in my

leg. I was less than half a meter away from her. "You know what Sandra, I

think I get it, you're just jealous." I said it almost in a whisper, but

clearly enough to get the message across that I was tired of her accusations.

Something seemed to snap in her. Her eyes widened. She started to scream and sounded almost hysterical.

"Jealous? Jealous? How dare you! If there's one thing I'm not, it's jealousy of you! And do you know why? I have a daddy who comes home every day at five and does fun things with me on the weekends and a mother who is always there for me and is not rotting in the ground!" Suddenly it was completely silent in the dressing room, everyone looked shocked in our direction, waiting to see what would happen. I would prefer to give her a slap in the face, because she had done that to me too and this was not just a slap in the face, no, it looked like I was being knocked out. How dare she. Has this really happened? I felt my heart squeeze and a lump build up in my throat and my eyes start to burn. I started to get angry. Very angry. I really had to stop myself from doing stupid things, I felt my whole body start to shake. "Jesus, what an incredibly underhanded bitch you are! To pick me up here? How deep can you sink?" She probably saw the anger and sadness in my eyes, because she seemed startled by my look. I turned and grabbed my bag and walked to the door.

"Sandra, what the hell are you doing?" It was a man's voice. I was already standing in the doorway, I turned to see our gym teacher glaring at her. I don't know how long he'd been standing there, but it seemed he'd heard everything. He looked in my direction. We looked at each other for a few seconds and then I looked down at the ground and kept walking. I couldn't stand it any longer, I needed fresh air. How could she? By the way, how did she know that Dad was never home and Mom had died? Suddenly panic set in. While I already had so many angry and sad feelings, I also felt the panic growing in my chest. She won't know, will she? How on earth would she have found out what had happened to us?

I continued down the hall towards the garden. Once outside, I had to stop myself from hyperventilating. How I hated that. I sat down on the edge of the stairs and tried to breathe in and out slowly.

As I sat there, I felt the pain in my left leg and left wrist. My wrist now looked sore and swollen. It was actually nice to have physical pain, it distracted me from the pain in my heart. I realized that I had become a completely different person. Before the accident I was always the happy and open girl. I got on well with everyone and behaved according to the rules. I had never been in trouble. Now after the accident and at this new school I noticed a difference. I had become harder, less sweet. I tried to stand up for myself more and I didn't care anymore if I got myself into trouble. No, the accident hadn't had a good effect on me. Still, I did my best to be a good daughter, a good student, and a good friend. I thought this would be a fresh start, a good start, but it was actually quite disappointing. I kept running into the same problem, the accident. I went for a walk to try to get my mind on something else. That was the only useful thing I had learned from the therapists, to manipulate my own thoughts.

I took a seat on the sidewalk by the emergency exit of the gym, exactly in the low sun. I had noticed in previous lessons that the gym teacher let the room air after each lesson by opening this door. I hoped I'd get a chance to explain my behavior.

We had to call him sir Middelgoed or just sir was allowed. I think it's because he's going to get a little more respect, because he wasn't much older than us actually, I thought he was about 8 years older than me.

I leaned my head against the door frame and closed my eyes. Enjoying the sun for a while, that wouldn't happen so often at this time of year. Last summer I hardly enjoyed the sun. I was in a daze at the time. I didn't know how I got through that summer. I had therapy twice a week to talk about the accident. But the thing was, no therapist could say they knew how I felt, but they all did it anyway. I could get so angry. I confronted them with what had happened to me, and whether they had experienced it. They could only say no to that.

After I stopped the therapy, I told myself that I had to get on with it. As hard as it was. School started again and it really hit me, my behavior. Little by little I was able to function again. I still felt I wasn't functioning 100 percent, but that may have been because I didn't fully recognize myself in the behavior I was now exhibiting. On the other hand, I thought I could never be the old Julia again. The accident had changed me forever, and I would have to learn to live with that. Which was not always easy. My feelings and reactions were more intense, I had less control over them. Still, I managed to go along with the normal course of business, at least I tried.

I was startled out of my thoughts by a loud bang and the door next to me opened. Geez, had I been sitting there that long? My shock reaction made the gym teacher look my way. He looked at me questioningly and sat down next to me and said nothing. I looked at my hands resting on my knees.

"You fell badly, you need to get that wrist looked at," he said calmly. "May I?" He held out his hand. I looked at him questioningly. I thought he was going to lecture me that I just ran away. I gave him my wrist. He grabbed it gently. He had warm hands examining every spot on my wrist. He bent it a few times, which really hurt. I probably wrinkled my face.

"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. But it's not broken, probably badly bruised. Be careful with it." He let go of my wrist gently.

"Thank you," I said to him and looked at him for the first time. He had beautiful green eyes. He looked at me protectively. But it was as if I saw sadness in his eyes.

"Were you sitting here on the sidewalk by chance or on purpose?" he said. Gosh, I thought to myself, he was good. He left it to me to start.

"I...sorry I missed class." That was all I could get out. I still had the sadness and the anger in me. Because of my emotions I couldn't put everything into perspective for the full one hundred percent. I shouldn't be so upset by such a bitch. But the words she said went right through my soul. I was just stunned.

He still hadn't said anything. I looked at him for a moment, but now he looked at his hands resting on his knees. He seemed to be thinking about something.

So I tried to move on. "I don't know how much you learned from our conversation, but I shouldn't have just walked away. I......, I needed fresh air. I know it's a lame excuse, but I couldn't face her, afraid I'd do things I'd regret later." I shrugged my shoulders and watched the sun sink further and further down. Now I was the one waiting. On the other side of the building, I heard students going outside to probably sneak a cigarette during their break.

"She should never have said that," he said suddenly. I heard some anger in his voice. I did not expect this reaction. I looked at him, he turned his head and I saw that look I had seen so many times in my old school, pity.

"What shouldn't she have said?" I knew full well what he was talking about, but I had the feeling there was more to this.

"That about your mother, that doesn't deserve a beauty prize."

"No, tell me about it," I told him.

"How long has it been since your mother died?"

A shot of pain went through my heart again. I never found it easy to talk about this. Especially not because I didn't want everyone to know how she died. After a while I said to him: "About eight months." I felt the lump in my throat grow again, no, I didn't want to cry now.

"Eight months? That was not long ago. Was she sick?" He looked at me questioningly. "No, an accident." I just stopped there.

He remained silent, thinking to himself again, his eyes on his hands.

"Do you still have your mother?" I asked him carefully. He turned his face back to me and looked at me sadly. "No, she passed away from an illness 2 years ago."

"I'm sorry," I told him. That's why he was so mad at Sandra and I don't think he minded that I missed gym class.

"Thanks," he said gratefully.

"I'm afraid I can't just pretend you've been to gym class, because I think it was quite noticeable that you weren't there," he told me. I hadn't even thought about that. Soon there was talk. Oh well, I was used to people looking at me or talking about me behind my back. We'll see, maybe it'll work out. "But don't worry, I'll come up with something. If you help clear the storage room once, you'll get a pass, is that fair?"

"More than fair, I'll hear when I'm expected," I said to him and laughed a bit. He looked at me for a moment. "I think you really hate going to gym class, don't you?" he asked. "I don't think it's smart to tell my teacher, but yes, I really hate it." I shrugged my shoulders. Now he was the one who started laughing. He had a nice, hearty laugh. His eyes shone for a moment. It was a contagious laugh that made me laugh again. Suddenly I realized that break was over and I had one more lesson before the school day was over.

"Oh shit, I have to go, I'm late for biology. Thank you sir." I raised my eyebrows briefly and smiled. "That's all right, oh, and please leave that sir behind, just say Tim." Tim I thought to myself, a nice name for a nice boy.

"Thanks Tim." And I got up from the sidewalk. I wanted to run away but he grabbed me by my upper arm. "Don't forget to have a look at that wrist." He winked and laughed. I nodded and walked away.

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