Envious Desire
38

Axle

I had to vacate my surroundings; Selena appeared in every corner of my life. Spewing excuses of the baby needing something or how it’s my daughter too, and how I was required to be there for both of their needs.

The both of them? I have repeatedly explained to her the child is the ONLY ONE I am required to tend to. The audacity of her to demand that I watch the baby so she could go for a spa day. The baby was just three days old. Who the hell leaves their baby after three days?

It’s been just about two weeks since Chloe left. My mind is consumed with wild thoughts of her well-being. Is she eating or sleeping? Is there anyone there to help her in her time of need? How is she coping now that Selena is not parading around in her face?

I’ve been craving to inhale her scent, I even crave for her to avoid me in my home at this point. I desire to just have her near.

Though I’ve attempted numerous times, I can’t bring myself to call her. I’ve held my phone in my hand on many occasions, with her beguiling face gracing the screen. All that is required is to press the button to hear her sultry voice; nevertheless, her pleas for release wail in my mind at me not to call her.

Images of the undeniable anguish behind her beautiful sienna hues, on that dreadful day, cleaves me to pieces. This grief was not only caused by me but compounded by her abduction, the torment she had to endure, the loss of our baby, and the mere presence of Selena with her belly. I refuse to be the cause of any more unnecessary suffering, she doesn’t deserve it. She deserves elation to no end, even if that requires my withdrawal from her life. Even if her jubilation is with... another.

The thought of someone else triggering her adorable laugh or being on the receiving end of her scornful lips boils my blood like a fucking volcano. Her ultimate happiness is warranted; after the fucked up hand she has been dealt, she deserves the happiest of lives. She has earned everything and anything that creates exuberance in her life... even if it’s without my presence.

Placing the car in park, I grab the box and bag from the backseat, making my way into the center. I stroll through the familiar yet remodeled community center and can’t help but feel a sense of home.

Arriving at his door, I knock, capturing his attention. “Have a little spare time for a messed up adult?” I raise the pizza and cream soda.

“Axle! What a pleasant surprise. Come in, come in.” Harrison rises from his seat, waving me towards his desk. Placing the food and beverage down, we embrace, shooting memories of when I was a messed-up teenager in dire need of guidance to invade my mind. And here I am again as an adult in need of the same.

“I cannot thank you enough for all you have done for this place Axle. As you can see, the money has been put to good use.” He waves his arms around the room.

“I can see that. The center looks amazing.” Harrison takes his seat, interlacing his fingers atop his stomach, awaiting my next utterance.

Silence fills the room as I’m unable to formulate the words I came here to release. Reading into my hesitance, he splits through the quietude.

“What brings you in, Axe?” His smile tugs at my heart.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Axe, I’ve been doing this all my life. I can see when you’re in need.”

Eyes fall on the newly installed floor. He’s correct; I am in need of guidance. I require reassurance that my actions are the right thing to do. I’ve pondered for hours on end, but somehow, I am still in need of assurance it IS the right thing for both of us.

“I– I need to.” Pointing my finger at the pizza box, I quickly change the subject. “It’s your favorite, Hawaiian.”

Harrisons’ eyes light up like fireworks on the fourth of July. Sitting on the edge of his seat, “Well, alright then. Let’s dig in to give you some time.” He nods his head as the box opens, releasing the delightful aroma of the food.

He knows just how to coax you into doing what’s needed. Damn, I despise and love him for his expertise. We relax, enjoying the flavorful Hawaiian pizza and cream soda, his favorite, while discussing life, the community center, the redone pool, and his ability to hire new staff, offer new classes, and the recruitment of more kids. Getting them off the street and into the center, changing their life around.

“So, now that we have gotten all caught up in my life and the world of the community center. What’s going on with you, Axe?”

Our eyes meet, and he stares me down with respect, fully cognizant, I require expelling my worries. Huffing out a deep breath.

“Chloe.”

“Ahh, the beautiful woman who has captured your heart.”

Hearing those words, it seemed as if a nuke exploded, creating a massive hole in my chest.

“She– she’s gone.”

“What do you mean gone?” A bit of worry laced his voice.

Huffing out another loud breath. “Let me start from the beginning.”

I explained to Harrison from the day of her abduction, seeking Dominic for assistance, seeing her in the hospital for the first time, discovering she lost our baby, and her constant rejection. At the same time, in my care, our final breakthrough to the devastating news of Selena being pregnant with my child, Selena’s never-ending presence everywhere we attempted to escape, to her divulging of viewing the interaction when I felt the baby kick to her heartbreaking plea for release. He heard it all, every fucking detail.

“I just need to know. I mean, I know I’m doing the right thing, right?”

“Axle, you already know the answer to that. The way you’re tormented by this, you already know what you need to do. You don’t need to hear me say it. Do you?”

Placing my elbows on my knees, my hands gather into a fist, resting my head atop them.

“I do. I need you to say it.”

“Axle, you are obviously miserable without her. However, she asked you to let her go. SHE NEEDS THE TIME TO HEAL. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.”

“I know. I just– I want her to know she means everything to me.”

“You don’t think she’s aware of that? You are giving her exactly what she needs to heal. You know that old saying, ‘If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.’”

“I know. I just wish we could fast forward to when she comes back.”

“Time Axle, she will in time. The way I saw you two together, there is no way you two are not meant to be.”

Silence fell between us. His words, while comforting, felt empty at the moment.

“So, from the information divulged, I would say congratulations are in order.” My eyes meet his. “You’re a father.”

“I don’t feel like one.”

“How so?”

Attempting to put it into words, “It’s like there’s no connection to the baby. I never really thought about having children until I met Chloe, and I imagined how it would be, with her, with our children. But somehow, when I hold Anele, I feel... nothing.” A wave of shame hits me as I verbalize the words. What type of father admits he feels nothing for his child? What type of monster am I?

“If I may. Maybe, you’re not allowing yourself to feel anything for your baby, Anele, is it?”

I nod my head in a swift movement.

“Maybe you are not giving Anele a chance because of who her mother is. You said yourself; you pictured it with Chloe, not with this Selena woman. Maybe you’re holding back because your child is not with the woman you want and quit possibly; this whole situation has you so consumed in your mind you haven’t been able to process fatherhood.

Attending to his words, my heart aches; Chloe is not the mother to my child; Selena is. Ugh, in what world do I accept this as my reality?

“You have to remember, the child did not ask for this. It’s not her fault. She deserves a fair chance at love from you regardless of who her mother is.”

Fuck! Maybe he’s right.

“You’re right. Given the situation, I don’t think I’ve been fair to Anele. But I don’t know how to make myself feel for her.”

“Axle, you need to come to terms with the fact that Selena is the mother of your child and what you pictured as a family is not what you envisioned, but this is what you have at the moment. Once you accept that, your feelings will be able to grow.”

Realizing his words are true, and his words are of wisdom, I reply with appreciation. “You have always been such a great mentor and father. I can never repay you for all you have helped me with, Harrison.”

“Are you kidding me? Look around you; this is all because of you.” Harrison waves his hands, pointing to the newly renovated office. He doesn’t realize that this is nothing compared to the fact that he has been more of a father to me than my own father, and I will be eternally grateful to him for putting me on the right path.

Maddie

I’ll have Eric all to myself; if it’s the last thing I do, he will be mine. There’s no way he loves her. I know he loves me; he says it whenever we have wild, insatiable sex. He fucks me like he’ll never fuck another in his life. His skin craves me; he wants nothing more than to have me squirming under his touch; I know it. I just have to make him see it.

Parking in front of his house, I review my plan to capture his heart. He pined for me before; he’ll long to have me again.

I stroll up to the door ringing the doorbell. Waiting anxiously, the door swings open to reveal the redheaded EX-fiancé. My need for him in my life suppresses my urge to scream and wail out at her. Instead, I adapt to the situation at hand.

“Shelly.” She proceeds to shut the door. Extending my arm, I begin my apology.

“I’m sorry. Please let me explain.”

“There’s nothing to explain,” her voice is fueled with anger.

“Please, I’m so sorry.”

“And I don’t care enough to hear it. Now leave.”

“Please, Shelly, just a moment.” I plead with her to allow my presence in the house.

“Ugh, what!” Frustration filled the atmosphere between us.

“Can I come in?”

I could see the wheels in her head turning, debating whether allowing me in was a good idea.

“Please.” I give a final plea with sadness in my eyes.

Pulling the door, she moves aside to allow my entrance, “Make it quick; I don’t have all day.”

Slithering past her, I survey my surroundings, twisting on my feet to face her. “I’m so sorry. There is no excuse for what happened between us. Thinking back, if the roles were reversed, I would have wanted you to stay away from him, which is what I should have done in the first place.”

Her dead stoic face gives nothing away.

“As women, we need to stick together, and what I did was nothing short of despicable,” these words make me sick to my stomach. How could he be with such a weak woman? He’ll have a strong woman soon enough.

A loud whistle rings in the air. Shelly rolls her eyes to the high heavens. “I’ll be right back.”

She scurries off to the kitchen, which is my shot to complete my mission. With swift steps, I complete my actions before she reemerges in the living room, about to speak when the doorbell rings. “Ugh! Are you done?”

With a flat smile, “Yeah, I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Slicing her eyes, “Maddy, you can go to hell and take Eric with you! Now get the fuck out!” Her arm raises, pointing towards the door. Taking my cue, both strolling towards the door, she swings it open to reveal Eric on the other side.

My smile crept on my face, impossible to conceal. However, his anger was evident when his smile dissipated, viewing me alongside his ex-fiancé, accompanied by the vein in his neck throbbing.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Eric spews with murder laced in his voice.

Prepared for this encounter, I feigned shock, “I was here to apologize to Shelly for what happened.” My eyes find hers as I speak her name, returning to Eric, “She, however, rejected my apology and requested you and I go to the depths of hell together.” I state matter-of-factly.

“Then I suggest you take your leave and never come back.” Eric spewed his displeasure in my direction.

“She stated it for us, Eric, not just me.” I sliced my eyes towards him.

“Are you two truly having a lover’s spat in front me? Both of you get the fuck out!” Shelly waves her hand in the direction of the trees.

Eric’s face shifted from anger to pleading, “Shelly, I came to talk to you, please. Just allow me a few minutes.”

“God! I see why you two got involved with each other.” Shelly rolled her eyes as if this was my intention.

“Maddy, leave. Shelly and I have matters to discuss.” Eric waves his arm toward the cars parked in the street.

“I never agreed to have a conversation with you, Eric!”

“Please, Shell! I won’t be long.”

Watching their exchange created a huge smile to materialize within. Their demise is my fortune. He’ll be mine in no time. I relish the day he comes to me unhindered by her presence.

“MADDY! GET OUT!” Eric’s words hit my very core.

Lost in my own thoughts, I hadn’t realized I was staring at their exchange. Jumping in place, I begin my exit towards the door. Eric escorts me to the door slamming it behind me.

Remaining in place, I Listen to their exchange.

“Did you forget to tell your whore you’re not staying here anymore?”

“I haven’t spoken to her since that day Shelly.”

“Oh, so she just came by when you decided to stop by, what a coincidence.”

“No, it’s not like that. You are the only one I want Shelly.”

Like hell she is. You crave me Eric. You just need time to see it.

“Yeah, I can tell. You really showed me you loved me when you were balls deep in her ass.”

“It was a huge mistake, Shelly. One I will regret for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t give a flying fuck Eric.”

“Why are you even here? We agreed I would stay here until I can find a place of my own.”

“Shell baby, please just hear me out.”

“Eric, there’s nothing left to say. You have been fucking the doctor since we got engaged. Why the hell would you ask me to marry you if you felt you needed to fuck other people?”

“Shell, it just happened.”

“Just happened? Are you fucking kidding me? I went to a hotel where you were fucking her with two other men. She called you Master, Eric! You asked her to tell you how much she wanted it! You were commanding everyone else. I heard you tell one of them to shut her up and to ride the other guy so YOU COULD FUCK HER IN THE ASS!” I heard a loud connection of skin on skin. I’m assuming she smacked his face.

“At least you got it right when you called her a slut!”

That bitch! Just wait and see Shelly. Just wait and see what I have in store for you.

“Shell baby, she doesn’t mean anything to me. It was nothing.”

“Are you fucking serious right now! That’s even worse. You fucked up our entire relationship for someone who doesn’t even matter to you. You threw away what we built for a nobody.”

Heat soared to my head like a boiling pot of water. I am not a nobody, bitch. You’ll see I’ll be in his arms just as soon as you’re no longer around.

“Shell, baby, please. I regret every moment with her. I don’t love her. I love you.”

My head began to swirl. He’s lying. He loves me. He’s just using her for some reason.

“You can’t possibly love me, Eric. You love your dick and sticking it in disease-ridden holes for your own pleasure.”

“No baby, I love you.”

“If you did, you would have never hurt me like this. You would have thought about the consequences of your actions before fucking her. Instead, you followed your head straight into her asshole. So you can go stay there.”

“Baby, please give me another chance,” I hear his voice crack. Why is he so distraught? She’s nothing special. I’ll be right here to pick up all the pieces, Eric. Don’t you worry.

“You need to leave; we agreed I would stay here until I found a place of my own.”

“You can stay as long as you need. I’m just a phone call away if you need anything.”

“I need you to leave me alone.”

“Shell?”

“Don’t you fucking Shell me; you lost that privilege when you stuck your dick in her. Now Leave.”

Silence, nothing but silence. Edging closer to eavesdrop, I hear footsteps causing me to fly down the walkway.

Eric’s voice shouts at me in a whisper.

“What the fuck Maddy. Why are you still here?” He storms towards me, grasping my arm under my shoulder, ushering me off the property.

“I, I wanted to.” I cannot find the words to cover my actions.

“You wanted to what, Maddy, destroy what little chance I have left?”

“Eric, it’s clear she doesn’t want you. Be with me; I desire you all the time. We can all have fun and forget this whole thing ever happened.”

“Are you fucking delusional? Maddy, I wasn’t fucking joking when I said I never wanted to see you again. Running into you was the worst moment of my life. FUCK!”

Covering his face with both hands, he releases a loud breath, “Get the fuck out of here. I never want to see you here or anywhere near me or Shelly again. Do you understand?”

No, he can’t possibly mean that.

“MADDY! Do you understand?”

He rattles me by my arms. Nodding my head, I no longer wish to be near him.

“Good! Now get out of here.” Twisting on the balls of my feet, tears stream my face as I bolt to my car. Opening the car door, I take my seat, unleashing my fury, screaming at the top of my lungs, punching the steering wheel.

He’s lying; he loves me! He’ll want me back, and he’ll never leave. He will be mine. It’s only a matter of time. I’ve made sure of it.

~~~~

Axle needed guidance. Do you think he is doing the right thing?

Eric is pleading for forgiveness. What do you think? Should Shelly forgive him?

Maddy is... well, you tell me.

Thoughts? Theories?

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