Dream of Us
Chapter Nineteen

Ani’s POV.

“Jaymie…I’ve been thinking, and I think there’s some key things missing from our relationship.”

His eyebrows raise in surprise. He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing and rubs his hands together.

“Oh? Like what?”

“There’s no chemistry between us,” I answer gently.

“We get on really well, what are you talking about?”

“Yes, we get on well, but can’t you see it’s more like a friendship than a relationship?”

His eyes narrow and he lets out a huff. “I’ve tried to be more affectionate with you, Annie, but you always push me away.”

“I know, I know! Please don’t think I am blaming this on you, this is on me, I know it is. I don’t feel like there is any chemistry or…attraction,” I flinch as I say the word. “Between us.”

This is so harsh; I hope his ego isn’t bruised.

“There is certainly attraction from my part,” he mutters.

“But not mine,” I reply softly. “I’m so sorry, I really want to feel it, but I don’t.”

His jaw clenches and his eyes harden. I can practically see his emotions changing from confusion to defence to anger.

“So, you’re breaking up with me? Is this what this is?”

I lift my shoulders and drop them helplessly. “I don’t see what else there is to do, there is no future for us. It isn’t fair for me to let you think otherwise.”

“How is there no future? Are you not happy? Can we not continue doing what we’re doing?” He blurts, sitting up straighter.

I lean back from him, subtly shuffling along the sofa so there is more space between us in case he has another loud outburst.

“There is no future because we can’t continue acting like friends for the rest of our lives,” I reply calmly, keeping my voice quiet and even.

“Then let’s not act like friends!” He snaps, leaping to his feet. “Let me actually stay over one night. Let me hold you and kiss you and make you feel something more.”

I slowly get to my feet. “I don’t want that, Jaymie. Please, I think it best that we go our separate ways. I can’t give you want you want.”

His expression turns angry, and I take a step back on reflex. His nostrils flare and his pupils dilate as he glares at me.

“How can you not want me? We’ve been together for months now, Annie. Have you been faking it the whole time? Have you been lying to me?”

“No, I haven’t, I just didn’t know how I felt, I’ve been hoping that I would change my mind, but it hasn’t changed. I’m sorry, Jaymie,” I reply in a rush.

“Then maybe this will,” he states.

He grabs my upper arms and pulls me towards him. My hands lift up reflexively and push against his chest just as his lips mash over mine. It isn’t a kiss, it’s a squashing of lips; messy and uncomfortable. I turn my head, screwing my eyes closed and sealing my lips. His mouth meets my cheek and I push him away, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

“No, Jaymie! It’s not going to happen!”

“You stupid cow!” He seethes. I am seeing a whole different side of him as he stands before me, raging like a provoked bull. “Do you have any of what I have done for you?”

“Done for me?” I splutter. “Jaymie, we barely go anywhere or do anything!”

“Because I’ve been trying to keep you safe!” He screams. “I killed for you!”

My blood goes cold. I stare at him, my mouth slack and hanging open in shock. I want to form the words to ask him what he means, to ask him to explain, but I can’t, I’m too stunned.

He sighs heavily and stumbles back, falling against the wall. He shakes his head, mumbling to himself as he sinks down the wall and to the floor. He covers his face with his hands and begins to cry.

Eventually, my body starts responding to my brain again and I step cautiously towards him.

“Jaymie, what did you mean by that?” I ask slowly.

He lowers his hands from his face and looks up at me. His cheeks are red and his eyes bloodshot, his skin tracked with tears.

“Before you moved…something happened.” He struggles to find the words. I crouch down in front of him and give him the time he needs. “Whenever we would go out, I would get this weird feeling like someone was watching us.”

Now that he mentions it, I remember that feeling. I used to look over my shoulder a lot more.

“It got to the point where I knew I wasn’t imagining things. I kept seeing the same man when we were out together. He would follow us a distance, but he’d always be there.”

He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut as he relives a memory, a memory I’m scared he’s going to share with me.

“One evening, I was taking your rubbish out. I’d started carrying pepper spray with me just in case he ever attacked, but I’d left it at home. I took one of your knives instead. I went downstairs with the bin bag; the knife was in my back pocket.”

My mouth goes dry. I know where this is going and I’m not ready to hear it, but I have to, I don’t have a choice.

“He came out of nowhere. I was walking back to the front of the building, and he jumped me from behind the bins. I acted on instinct; I grabbed the knife and shoved him.” He chokes up and covers his mouth with his hand. His next words come out muffled. “I just wanted him off me. I wanted him to let go. It was self-defence…”

“Jaymie,” I whisper.

I have no other words. If what he is saying is true, and I believe him, it really was self-defence.

“The knife…it went into his stomach. Blood started going everywhere. It was on my hand and all over the ground. I left him lying there, I panicked. You were in the shower, I washed my hands, grabbed my keys, and went home.”

I remember that night. He texted me later on to say that a work emergency had come up and he’d had to leave in a hurry.

“I thought for sure that the police would be waiting for me at my house, but they never came. Not the next day, or the next. A week passed and there wasn’t even anything on the news. When I finally got up the courage to go back to the area behind your block, it was like nothing had ever happened. There was no body, no blood, nothing.”

He slowly raises his head to look at me with wide eyes.

“I don’t understand what happened. For a while, I thought I’d dreamt it up, I thought it was a nightmare. I couldn’t tell anyone.”

“That’s why you were so reluctant to go out on dates with me.”

He nods quickly. “It seemed so much safer to stay at home. Putting what happened aside, a man was still following you and I don’t know why.”

“Neither do I,” I murmur, staring off into space.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, how could I? I can barely believe it myself. I’m not a killer, Annie, you know that.”

I reach for his hand and hold it in mine. “I know. I believe you that it was self-defence.”

We stay like that for a long time. My legs cramp up and go stiff, so I sit down beside him and wrap my arm around his shoulders. He cries for a bit before going quiet. Eventually, my stomach rumbles and I realise we should move.

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?” He asks in a small voice.

“No, Jaymie, I swear I won’t. This doesn’t go beyond us.”

He nods gratefully. “I don’t know where the…body went, but it’s been over a month now and nothing has happened.”

“I don’t know what happened either, but I think it is best to forget all about it. You can’t let this hang over you forever, it was self-defence.”

I don’t have a lot of experience with the legal system, but I trust Jaymie. Nothing good could come out of him coming forward and confessing now. The way I see it, he protected me and himself.

He groans and gets to his feet. He rubs his face with his hands, looking tired and older than his years. I stand up next to him. His eyes are sad as they look at me.

“I know it’s over between us, but I still want to thank you. You’ve been here for me the last few months when I’ve needed it most…so, thank you.”

His gratitude makes my heart ache. I pull him in for a hug, closing my eyes and rubbing his back.

“I’m always going to be here for you, Jaymie.”

“Same for me, Annie. You ever need anything; you know how to reach me.”

He steps back and looks around the apartment, a forlorn expression on his face. He doesn’t have anything here because he never stays over.

“There’s still two slices of your pizza in the fridge, I didn’t finish it all,” I tell him.

He gives me a half-hearted smile. “I can’t go home with old pizza, that’s a new low.”

“No, it isn’t! Cold pizza is the best,” I encourage him.

He laughs as I place the takeout box in his hands. We hug again at my door, and I wave him off. I feel emotionally drained. I collapse onto my bed, my mind whirring with everything that has transpired today.

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