City of Boneheads: A Parody of City of Bones (The Mortal Instruments Book 1)
City of Boneheads: Chapter 3

Clary ran up the front walk of her apartment building, rushed inside, and passed by her neighbor Madame Dorothea, who was sitting in a rocking chair in front of her apartment. A sign on the door said, “Madame Dorothea – Professional Psychic.”

 “Whoa child,” said Dorothea, “you sure you don’t want a reading today? On Tuesdays it’s 25% off for neighbors.”

“Sorry, I’m in a bit of a rush,” said Clary. “Also, psychics are frauds.”

Madame Dorothea took Clary’s hand, pressed it to her forehead, and closed her eyes.

“I see conflict in your future”, said Dorothea.

Of course she does, thought Clary, because she’ll keep having her clients come in at weird hours and blast her annoying séance music while she’s giving them readings. Clary’s mom had complained to the city about it, but it turns out that psychics technically count as “religious institutions” so they can pretty much do whatever they want.

Clary pulled her hand away from Dorothea and ran up the stairs to her apartment. The door was slightly open, which was unusual, and Clary cautiously walked inside.

“Mom?” said Clary, but there was no answer. The more Clary looked around and didn’t see her Mom, the more worried she got. Because the chances kept increasing that her mom was hooking up on the couch.

Finally, Clary came to the living room. Before she peered in, she cleared her throat loudly.

“Sorry, mom and random guy or guys or lesbian woman,” said Clary. “I’m kicking you out.”

But there was no answer. Now Clary was really filled with terror…because she was gonna have to walk in on her mom hooking up.

Clary steeled herself and walked in…but her mom wasn’t there. Something else was, however: an eight-foot-long, disgusting creature that looked like a cross between an alligator and a centipede.

It was almost as horrible as seeing her mom hooking up.

The creature bared its fangs and leaped at Clary. Clary dove away from it, barely avoiding its slimy body. She quickly pulled out Jace’s phone to call 9-1-1, but saw it didn’t have any number buttons. Why were Android phones so friggin’ confusing?

She started flipping through the apps, but before she could even get to the third screen the creature grabbed Jace’s phone out of her hand and gobbled it up.

I sure hope Jace got the accidental damage plan, Clary thought.

Suddenly the creature began to spasm uncontrollably, and then started coughing up black liquid.

“Not on the rug!” said Clary. She grabbed one of her mom’s paintings off the wall and put it under the thing’s mouth.

After a few more violent spasms, the creature let out a final gasp and collapsed.

Great, Clary thought, now I have to clean this thing up. Clary surveyed the mess, considered her options, and then did what she always did whenever she had a big cleanup job around the house: she lay down on the couch and took a nap.

When she woke up, she was being carried in Jace’s arms out of the apartment.

“Jace?” mumbled Clary groggily. “Where are we going?”

“We have to hurry to the Institute!” said Jace. “If we don’t get there soon you’ll die!”

“Why?”

“There’s demon poison in your veins!”

“How’d that happen?” said Clary.

“When the monster bit you!”

“But it didn’t bite me,” said Clary. “It jumped past me and then it died.”

“Um…well after you fell asleep it woke up one more time and bit you!” said Jace. “Just trust me, we need to hurry!”

Jace carried Clary down the stairs and out the front door.

“I don’t know about going over your place,” said Clary. “We haven’t even gone on a real date yet.”

“It’ll be fine, I promise,” said Jace.

“Do you want to at least get dinner first?” said Clary. “Or maybe go on a hike?”

Jace rolled his eyes, took out his stele, and drew three Z’s on Clary’s arm.

“Hey!” said Clary. “What does that tramp stamp do?”

She quickly figured out the answer as she felt herself getting drowsy and falling back into a deep sleep.

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