City of Boneheads: A Parody of City of Bones (The Mortal Instruments Book 1)
City of Boneheads: Chapter 10

Jace and Clary headed down 6th Avenue toward Hotel Dumbort. But a few blocks before the hotel, Jace stopped in front of a church. He pulled out his lock-pick and used it to open the door.

“Why are we going into a church?” said Clary.

“To get some weapons!” said Jace.

They headed inside, and Jace started pulling crosses off the walls.

“Every church in the world stores weapons for Shadowhunters,” said Jace. He handed Clary a large wooden cross. “Here, take this one. You hold it with the long end and strike your enemy with the two arms that stick out from the top.”

“Um, Jace, these aren’t weapons,” said Clary. “They’re crosses, a religious symbol of Christianity.”

“Riiiight,” said Jace. “I bet now you’re gonna tell me the throwing stars we find in Jewish temples aren’t weapons, either.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a metal Jewish star.

After grabbing a few boxes of communion wafers (which Jace claimed were “Shadowhunter snacks”), they exited the church. A few minutes later they came to a hotel with its doors boarded up, and loud house music coming from inside. A rusty sign on the front said Hotel Dumbort.

“How do we get in?” said Clary.

“There’s gotta be a secret entrance,” said Jace. “Hey, let’s check behind that dumpster!”

He ran over to a dumpster next to the hotel and pushed it aside, revealing a hatch in the ground.

“Nice work,” said Clary, opening the hatch. “Let’s do this!”

“Hold on,” said Jace. “First we should grab some more weapons.”

“Huh?”

“Every dumpster in the world stores weapons for Shadowhunters,” said Jace. He climbed into the dumpster and pulled out a banana peel. “Like the Golden Sling of Death.” He swung the banana peel around like a slingshot. “And the Jaws of Destruction.” He grabbed a pizza box and started clamping it open and closed.

“Great, we’re fully armed,” said Clary. “Now can we go save Simon?”

“Yep!” said Jace, climbing out of the dumpster. “Here, take this.” He handed Clary an empty milk carton. “I know you’ve probably never used one of these before, but trust me, you’re a Shadowhunter, when the time comes you’ll know how.”

Clary pocketed the carton and they descended down the hatch.

Clary and Jace followed the party music up a few flights of stairs until they came to a door. Clary cracked open the door and peeked inside. A huge party was going on, and it definitely was way better than Magnus’s. Then Clary spotted Simon. He was recognizable from his glasses, but the rest of him was totally different than before. He was now stylishly dressed, and was actually talking to girls instead of standing in the corner and leering at them like a serial killer. A group of hot vampire girls surrounded him on the couch, and he said something and they all laughed.

Clary waved in Simon’s direction. He looked over, but showed no recognition and went back to his conversation.

“He’s too cool for us now,” said Clary. “He doesn’t even want to acknowledge us because it’ll lower his social standing at the party.”

“We’ll just have to keep an eye on him until he transforms back,” said Jace. Jace closed the door, took out his stele, and drew a rectangle on the door and a tramp stamp inside the rectangle. The rectangle became transparent…and all the vampire partiers stopped and looked at Jace and Clary.

“Oops,” said Jace. “I think I forgot an extra squiggle.”

He tried to correct the tramp stamp, but before he could, a vampire opened the door.

“Hmmmm, I don’t seem to remember inviting any Shadowhunters here,” said the vampire, baring his fangs.

“We’re not here to party,” said Jace. “We’re here to get our friend back.” He pointed at Simon.

Simon laughed. “Friend? You wish. I’ve never seen these losers before.”

But then Simon started glowing, and gradually transformed back into his old self. When the transformation was complete, Simon noticed the hot vampire girls next to him, and ran into the corner and leered at them like a serial killer.

“The drink wore off!” said Clary.

“Clary, is that you?” said Simon. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the place where you and your friends die!” said another vampire, stepping forward. He looked at Jace. “You should’ve held it in.”

“That’s the guy whose bike you took a leak on!” whispered Clary.

The vampires all started walking towards Jace and Clary menacingly.

“Feel the Golden Sling of Death!” said Jace, and threw a banana peel at them. It bounced harmlessly off one of the vampires.

“Dammit, I knew I should’ve taken the watermelon rinds instead,” said Jace.

One of the vampires grabbed Clary’s arm, and she screamed. But suddenly a brown blur crashed through the window and tackled the vampire. Other brown blurs quickly followed, smashing through the other windows and attacking the vampires.

“Werewolves!” said Jace. “Wow, this is a really big deal.”

“Because they’ve invaded the vampires’ lair?” said Clary.

“No, because those windows cost like $500 each to replace,” said Jace. “Let’s get the heck out of here!”

They grabbed Simon and ran down the stairs, but soon came face-to-face with a bunch of vampires who were running up toward the commotion. So they turned and ran up the stairs, chased by the vampires. They eventually came to a door, and ran out the door onto the roof of the hotel. “We’re trapped!” said Clary.

“No we’re not,” said Jace. He pointed over to a motorcycle.

“What good does that do us?” said Clary. “We’re on a roof!”

“It’s a vampire motorcycle. They can fly.” Jace hopped onto the cycle. “Get on!”

The roof door opened and the vampires who’d been chasing them came running out. Clary and Simon hopped on the motorcycle behind Jace.

“Do you even know how to ride one of these?” said Clary.

“How hard could it be?” said Jace. “It’s just a motorcycle.”

Jace touched his stele to the ignition and the bike started up. Just before the vampires reached them, he hit the gas and the bike flew off the roof, soaring over the buildings below.

“See?” said Jace. “Easy as pie.”

But then the bike started sputtering, and Clary and Simon felt it jerking up and down.

“You sure you’re driving it correctly?” said Simon.

“Yes,” said Jace testily. “It must be that it runs on demon energy, and the sunlight from the sunrise is causing it to fail.”

“Sunrise?” said Clary. She looked at her watch. “But it’s only 3am.”

Then the engine went completely silent.

“I think you just stalled it,” said Simon.

Jace started hitting the cycle. “Come on, work you stupid piece of junk!” he said, as the bike began plummeting toward the earth.

“Jace, we’re falling!” said Clary.

“Don’t worry, I totally got this,” said Jace, angling the bike toward an empty grocery store parking lot. The bike slammed down hard onto the asphalt, but Jace maintained its balance. “Wooo hooo, that was epic!” shouted Jace.

“It’d be even more epic if you put on the brakes,” said Clary, seeing that the bike was fast approaching a truck delivering produce.

Jace fidgeted with the bike controls but the bike didn’t slow down. “Anyone see an instruction manual back there?” he said.

“We’re gonna hit the truck!” shouted Simon.

“Duck!” said Clary, as the bike rode up a metal ramp into the back of a truck, which was filled with vegetables.

Everything went black.

A minute later, Clary opened her eyes hazily, and looked down and saw that she was covered with red liquid. “I’m bleeding!” she said.

“Nah, it’s just tomatoes,” said Simon, his head sticking out from a crate of lettuce.

Jace ripped the remains of a potato sack off himself and struggled to his feet. “I think I broke my arm,” he said, wincing.

“What a surprise,” said Clary. “Riding a motorcycle leads to a serious injury.”

“Hey, at least it saved us,” said Jace. “But nothing’s gonna save my insurance rates if we don’t leave before they figure out who caused this. Come on!”

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