Alley Cat
Not a Hero

“It’s me. Todd!”

Raphael is slow to trust, not that I blame him. He yanks the stake from the dead wolf’s corpse and waves it at Todd, jabbing it towards his face. Blood smears the tip, making it shiny under moonlight. The smell wafting from the blood is nauseating, and it adds to my confusion. There’s already too much going on. My best friend just died. A naked boy had crawled out from the ground claiming to be him. And I’m pretty sure a bunch of wolves are going to show up any second, ready to chow down on some cats who were too stupid to leave while they can.

“H-Hey! There’s no need to use that.” Todd throws his hands up in the air to convince us of his surrender. His eyes flit over to me and he pleads. “Tell him, Hel.”

I gently push down on Raphael’s arm, and he lowers the stake. Todd breathes a long sigh of relief, but it doesn’t last long. A wolf howls in the distance, prompting us to run for our lives. Luckily for us, we make it back to Raphael’s apartment all in one piece. Maria and Rafik are waiting for us. They greet us with open arms, squeezing us tightly as they breathe long sighs of relief and gratitude. Todd is left to stand at the doorway, completely nude and slathered from head to toe in mud. I can tell that he’s dying for a hug as well, but it would be inappropriate given the circumstances.

Maria notices Todd’s presence and stiffens up. “Did you guys bring home a friend?”

I wince. “Not exactly. That’s Todd.”

Maria’s expression sweetens with bursting joy. “Oh! How cute! He has the same name as your cat!”

The three of us exchange uncomfortable looks before walking into the living room. Maria reads the air with great fluency and tells Rafik to prepare some tea and for Raphael to get Todd a change of clothes. It’s clear that none of us will be sleeping the remainder of the night, and we’ll need all the caffeine we could get.

Rafik comes back with the tea. We crowd around the living room and stare at the steam lazily rising from our cups. Our eyes are pointed down. We relish in silence for a moment and process everything that’s happened tonight: the protests, the wolf attack, Todd’s death and rebirth...My head is swimming with thoughts.

Rafik pours himself a cup of tea and adds two sugars. While stirring, he makes a futile attempt at starting the conversation. “Well, it’s been a very difficult night.”

“Very,” I mutter.

“Definitely,” says Raphael.

“Indeed.” Todd looks down and sees that he’s smeared the couch with mud. He cringes. “Perhaps it would have been best if I showered first.”

The more he talks, the more apparent his accent becomes. It’s strikingly posh and conjures images of gentlemen and tea biscuits in my head. I look to Raphael and find mutual agreement in his gaze.

Todd gives us a funny look and takes a sip of his tea before asking, “Why are you guys staring at me weirdly like that?” I remove my cup from its saucer and bring it to my lips. Liquid warmth travels from my lips, down my throat, and blooms in my stomach. The initial hit of herbal caffeine gives me the courage to respond back.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you literally came back from the fucking dead..”

“And you’re a werecat,” Raphael adds.

Todd produces a weak laugh, the kind that you would make when you’re forced to laugh at something that isn’t funny. Raphael and I stare at him. It petrifies him stone cold.

Todd takes meager sips of his tea, keeping his gaze down. They’re suspiciously quiet sips. Everything about Todd is foreign to me, from his sunken in cheeks and his long scrawny body. He’s skinny, emaciated even. Raphael’s long-sleeved t-shirt hangs off his shoulders like a tent. It baffles my mind how my beloved fat cat has transformed into the walking dead.

My patience runs thin. I drop my cup on the saucer with a heavy hand. The raucous causes Todd to flinch, arousing my suspicions further. “You’re running out of tea, Todd.” My voice drops dangerously low.

“If it’s a story you’re wanting to hear, I’m afraid I forgot,” Todd says timidly.

Maria arrives with a plate of baklava to save the day. She sits down and passes around the plate of sweet treats, purposely ignoring the tension surrounding us all. She takes a bite of her baklava, exposing layers of nuts sandwiched between flaky pastry which are sweetened with honey. The aroma of hot butter and roasted nuts should be enough to stimulate anyone’s appetite, but our stomachs feel like a bag of bricks inside our bodies.

I cave into the tension, and it folds me in two. I spring to my feet, drawing everyone’s eyes towards me. But in my line of sight, I only see Todd. He looks up at me with guilt-ridden eyes, beholding my blank countenance with an unsteady trepidation that rouses my sympathy.

But the bitterness inside me grows stronger by the minute. Each word I throw at him drips with biting malice. “It’s fine. You don’t have to tell me. I’m glad you’re not dead.”

His sentence is cut off before it can begin. I retreat to Raphael’s room where I lie frozen in a restless state for the remainder of the night.

Some people have alarm clocks. Some have roosters. Me? I have Shirisha to body slam me in bed at five in the morning.

Our morning is marked by blindly thrown punches and Raphael’s grouchy groans. Shirisha’s laughter ruptures the air. It’s explosive and unapologetic, but there’s something beautiful about it that sedates me. I let her throw her arms around me and bury her nose in my hair. She inhales deeply, smelling my scent, and crosses her legs to straddle me against the mattress. Like a fly trapped in a spider’s web, I gradually submit to my fate as she draws her lips towards me. They part to let out a boisterous giggle. I’m grateful. Had she kissed me, I think I would have died again.

“This is the part where you tell me you missed me,” Shirisha says, wiggling into a tight spot between me and Raphael. Raphael groans and scrambles to the very edge of the bed. He burrows his head under a pillow and stays there.

“I didn’t think you would be back so soon.” I expect my reply to wound Shirisha, but she remains unfazed and sedulous as ever.

“I came back as soon as I heard what happened.” Suddenly, her playful tone turns serious. “Are you okay?”

I sit up too fast. My rash decision earns me a surging headache, and I clutch my head to stop the room from spinning. “Yeah, I’m fine. How was Brooklyn?”

“Fine,” she says, mimicking my dreariness. But her seriousness cracks under her naturally light nature. “Spending three weeks with a bunch of dusty old vampires isn’t exactly my idea of a good time, but I got the answers I needed.”

I perk up immediately. Shirisha’s promise of important news works more efficiently than ten cups of Maria’s herbal brew. “That’s great! What did you learn?”

Shirisha’s visage is temporarily shrouded with doubt and hesitation. It’s a passing shadow that passes over quickly, but it’s too late. I already noticed her hesitation and it brings back my bitterness all over again. It’s already bad enough that Todd is keeping secrets from me, but Shirisha’s secrecy adds a second painful punch. “How about we talk about Todd first?”

“How did you––”

“Imagine my surprise when Maria and Rafik let me in and this scrawny boy rolls off the couch and trips himself senselessly as he approaches me. He bends down on one knee and says, ’Shirisha! My beautiful and lovely Shirisha! It’s me! Todd! Oh, how I missed you so!”

“God, I liked him a lot better when he was a cat.” I say, wiping a tear from my eye. My laughter easily disguises my sadness when I recognize the ridiculousness of everything. Once again, I’ve been fooled into loving someone, only to find out that they weren’t who they said they were. It’s my fate to be constantly deceived, to naively wander in the dark.

Shirisha shakes off the last of her giggles and replies, “That was only part of what he said. Um...he claims to have been stuck in his cat form for centuries after he…” Shirisha stops herself, hesitating on how much she could reveal without intruding on Todd’s privacy. Her determination to adhere to her principles impresses me. She’s changing.

“Oh. He told you his story?” Bitterness coats my words thick. I scoff. “Apparently he’s fine with telling everyone else but me.”

“Give him some time.” Shirisha says as she lays next to me. “Out of all people, I would’ve expected you to understand. Some wounds are still fresh.” Her last line lingers with us both. They imply so much meaning...so much history... Everything we’ve done to hurt each other, all the times we loved each other, resulting centuries of tension and longing between us both.

“I miss you.” My own words take me by surprise.

Shirisha unknowingly holds her breath, and I watch as a smile washes all over her. It reverts her visage to its purest form. “I missed you too.”

We lie next to each other in silence. Shirisha holds my hand and we both stare at the popcorn ceiling together. For once, we welcome the silence. It amplifies every other sensation: the rise and fall of Shirisha’s chest, the warmth of her skin, the contrasting coolness of her clothes. When I’m convinced that Shirisha is asleep, I turn over so that we’re face to face. Shirisha has thick dark lashes that rest on her cheekbones. Her hair has grown just shy of her jawline, and she breathes softly when she sleeps like she’s afraid for anyone else to hear.

Heat rises to my face and there’s a fluttering sensation between my legs. I feel filthy and wrong, but I can’t help but stare. When Shirisha rolls over to her side, her butt presses against my groin, threatening to set my whole body on fire. The only thing that keeps me from combusting is an avalanche of sweat that soaks my neck and breasts.

I’m so overwhelmed by lust that I forget that there are actually three of us lying on this bed. My heart clenches when Raphael’s sudden movement reminds me of his presence. A stabbing sensation makes me gasp. I feel guilty.

This is wrong; I’m lying in bed with two of my exes. Normal people don’t cuddle with their exes. Normal people don’t kiss their exes. You’re not supposed to love your exes.

Why am I always doing something wrong?

I carefully roll out of bed, making sure to avoid rousing Shirisha and Raphael as I tread outside. Kaya is sitting in the living room drinking tea. Her legs are crossed at the ankles. She sits erect but not stiffly. Picking up a piece of baklava, she eats in a graceful manner, leaving her plate immaculately clean. I take a seat in front of her, and she briefly looks up from her cup. A serpentine smile slithers across her mouth; I’ve grown quite fond of it.

Kaya scans me from head to toe and makes a quick diagnostic. “Seems like you made a full recovery.”

“It really does seem that way, doesn’t it?”

Kaya senses the edge in my tone and puts down her cup of tea. She leans forward. I have her ears and her attention. “I wanna make a deal.”

“Go on?”

“I want to know everything you and Shirisha learned about the Russo’s wolf stabilizers.”

Kaya tilts her head back to eject a haughty scoff. I’ve amused her. Apparently, I’m really good at entertaining people without even trying to. “There’s no need to make a deal. Shirisha and I were going to tell you everything.”

I stare at her, unmoved. Her laughter bounces off of me harmlessly like a rubber ball thrown at a wall. “You didn’t wait to hear my end of the bargain. I want to know everything you and Shirisha learned in exchange for my leave of absence.”

“And what makes you think I want you gone?” There’s a hint of skepticism in Kaya’s tone, but her interest leaks through. I’ve caught her attention, hook, line and sinker.

“Less competition. With me out of the way, you can have Shirisha all to yourself.” My own voice sounds foreign to me. It’s like I’m listening to someone else, someone bitter and conniving. A part of me is terribly afraid of the person rising to the surface, but a part of me is also dying to meet her.

Kaya plays into my game. She folds her hands on the table in anticipation. Her amber eyes are burning with ambition. “I had Shirisha all to myself for the last three weeks.”

“Oh, but it wasn’t enough for you. You want more time. With just enough time, you can make her yours.”

“And what’s in it for you? Huh? Why are you in such a rush?”

I bite my tongue. The sting of my teeth sinking into the flesh in my mouth brings tears to my eyes. It’s all Kaya needs to see in order to abolish me.

Kaya scoffs loudly, rolling her eyes as she does so. “Helene Singh,” she spits my name like it’s made of poison. “I have no idea what Shirisha sees in you. I, for one, see nothing but a coward who runs away from all her problems.”

I withhold my tears and retort, “You can make fun of me all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that you want her too.”

Kaya takes a brief moment to think before responding. She chooses her words carefully. “You know what? As much as I hate to admit it, you’re right. I love Shirisha,” Kaya says. Her voice wavers with overwhelming emotion which she directs right at me. “I would walk through fire for her, die a thousand painful deaths for her. Shirisha is amazing.” Kaya’s eyes glitter with stars and flames and everything bright and dazzling. It makes me feel worse about myself, knowing that I was once capable of feeling the same way. Now, I’m empty. “You’re blind if you can’t see that.”

My mind is a fragile tower of jenga blocks. I’m one wrong move away from collapsing. “Don’t you see? I can see that,” I say, bowing my head low in defeat. “Why do you think I’m here?”

My humility takes Kaya by surprise. It lessens Kaya’s contempt for me, and she waits for what I have to say. “Every time I fall in love with someone, it doesn’t end well. And now I’m surrounded by two of the people I love the most. If I don’t leave now, we’re all going to get hurt.”

“Helene...” Kaya lets down her defenses. Suddenly, the girl talking to me seems so tired and sad. It’s like I’m seeing Kaya for the first time. “As long as you’re living and breathing, you’re always going to hurt someone. That’s just the cost of life. We’re all parasites if you think about it. We suck up the earth’s resources from the moment we’re born. We hurt others to get what we want, whether it’s for love, for sustenance, for gratification... Even the clothes we’re wearing are made by the exploitation of slave labor.”

My eyes burn. My vision blurs as tears flood my eyes. I’m left sobbing into my hands and Kaya’s composure crumbles as I fall apart in front of her. “That’s terrible!”

“It is,” Kaya says with a vacant look in her eyes. Her own mind has flown somewhere far away, abandoning me in a gruesome reality I desperately want to escape from. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I think your own self-inflicted turmoil is enough punishment for you as it is. But the little respect I have left of you requires me to tell you this: Your own arrogance has made you believe that everyone is some helpless little creature that needs protection from you. Shirisha is a big girl who can take care of herself. Raphael can and will survive with or without your affection. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and be the big cat you were meant to be.”

Kaya’s words beat the truth into me relentlessly until I absorb it all. I lift my head up to look at her to meet her eyes, withholding her gaze. I want to appreciate her candid revelation, but I have been deceived too many times to take it as a generous act of kindness. Kindness has a price.

“You’re afraid of loving Shrisha, with or without the competition.”

Kaya’s eyes widen; I know I’ve hit a sore spot. “That’s ridiculous––”

“That’s why you don’t want me to leave. You don’t think you’re good enough for her.”

Kaya slams her hand on the table, breaking into halves. My hair stands on its ends at the sudden act of violence, and I find myself stumbling backwards when Kaya comes for me.

“How. Dare. You.” Kaya says through her teeth. “I am better than you in every possible degree. I don’t whine about people falling in love with me. I can defend myself. I’m a lioness! A one of a kind! You’re a mere domestic!”

“Yeah! I am a domestic!”

Kaya’s claws shoot out of her finger tips, splattering the ground with her blood. Her form blurs. The lioness within her shows through. If I continue provoking her, I’ll risk getting killed. Once you anger a big cat, there’s no going back. But I’ve gone too far. I’m sick of being kept in the dark. I want to squeeze every ounce of truth out of Kaya, everything I need to know, everything prohibited from my grasp.

“Is that all you have to say to me?” I yell. “’Cus I can play this game too! I’m selfish, self-absorbed, self-sabotaging, destructive, flirtatious…”

The cacophony created from our fight wakes the whole apartment. I can hear footsteps coming towards the living room. Sooner or later, everyone will see.

Kaya swipes at my face. My blood dribbles to the floor, mixing in with hers. We’re blood sisters. It’s an ironic thought that crosses my mind, temporarily blinding me from my pain.

“I fall in love too easily. I’m easy to deceive!”

Kaya jumps in the air, extending her leg, kicking me to the ground. I fall with a catastrophic force that leaves me whole body sore. Kaya stands over me like an angel of death. She’s beautiful when she’s angry. Her ebony skin radiates with warm energy as she huffs and puffs, not from exhaustion, but fully charged to create more damage. But I’m not done either. I have more things to say, more to find out. I can’t die now without knowing.

“I’m so many things. So many terrible things. I’m beneath you in every possible way and yet...Shirisha will always love me. She will always choose me, and I fucking hate it. I hate it because you deserve her, and I’ll always be some wretch she saved in the mountains.”

With a single haul, Kaya drags me off the ground, shoving me forcefully at the wall. I’m a pinned butterfly at her mercy. Her grimace tells me she wants to shred me to pieces, pluck every individual hair from my head, tear me limb to limb...But I know Kaya too well. She can’t let me die without torturing me first.

“Fine. You want to know the truth so bad? Then hear this: you’re not the hero in this story, Helene. You had it all wrong. The Russos are fundamental, the very thing that kept every supernatural creature in New York alive. They were responsible for enchanting animal blood to taste like human blood to deter the vampires from feeding on people. They provided witches with corporate jobs which kept them from messing with humans. And the mutts you want to save? They were offered a possible, although not guaranteed, second chance at life. They were people who had no chance of living: the terminally ill, the incarcerated on death row, the suicidal...they agreed to taking part in the experiment because they had nothing else to lose. Everything was fine until you stepped in. And now that the Russos are gone, New York City is going to tear itself apart. All thanks to you…”

My brain is on the verge of melting. “I–I don’t understand. What about Luis?”

“He was already going to prison for fucking Daphne, so the Russos offered him a deal. Become a mutt to test out an experimental drug or rot in jail for twenty years.”

“That’s not fair.” My breath shakes. I can’t breathe. I’m going to suffocate. “I wasn’t the one that set the pharmacies on fire.”

“But you set the Russos’ house on fire. You scared them into hiding. And now there’s a whole lot of angry, not to mention hungry, supernaturals that really want you dead.”

“KAYA!”

Kaya and I turn to the source of the sound to find Shirisha standing in the corridor. Her face is gnarled and twisted, inflicted by Kaya’s betrayal. Kaya lets go of me, and I immediately run past Shirisha, letting myself out of the apartment.

Shirisha yells for me to stop. “HELENE!”

I run until I’m too far to hear her cries.

“HELENE!”

I run until I’m far from the apartment, far Shirisha’s love, far from Todd’s secrets. I wish I can say that I changed my mind or that I turned back. But no. I wouldn’t see them for a good three years. And by then, they’ll wish they had never met me because I’m Helene Singh. I was born from chaos, and I intend to leave the world just how I entered it.

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