Aliens Moved My Cheese
Chapter 36: My Favorite Heavenly Body is Uranus

Dear Pluto,

I was saddened by the recent announcement that you were sent back to the minors by astronomers. I am the old man of Gen-X and I was taught in grade school that you were one of nine planets in our solar system. As I’m sure you are aware corporate downsizing has adversely affected us all. It is my sincere hope that in future you will be sent back up to the major leagues where you belong. Thank you for 40+ years of entertainment Pluto. At least they named a cartoon dog after you, so you won’t be completely forgotten. Please say hi to Uranus for me. The long distance calls are getting expensive.

Sincerely,

Carl M. Dabbah

I was unaware that the ancient Sumerians suggested the solar system has ten planets in it prior to reading my brother’s essay. I find that interesting because I recently read an article in Scientific American which suggested that there was another planet outside the orbit of Pluto dubbed Planet X. If not for the Plutonian downgrade, the Sumerians would have been right on the money. Thankfully all the Sumerians have long since died, so there is nobody left to sue. When you consider the fact that the Sumerians didn’t have telescopes and still came amazingly close to getting it right, it is a minor miracle. How could the Sumerians possibly have known about the number of planets in the Sol System? Most likely it was pure dumb luck and we’ll probably never figure out how a primitive civilization came to such an accurate conclusion. Shall I speculate as to how they might have known? I think I shall. It might have been one of their soothsayers was the real deal a psychic who could see the future but those guys are exceedingly rare. Nostradamus made hyper accurate predictions unless of course you discount him for making very vague predictions in the form of quatrains that could mean pretty much anything. Edgar Cacey was starting to look like a winner in the psychic lottery right up until he predicted that Atlantis would rise again and shattered my illusions of him. I think the odds are against one of the “psychic friends network” being responsible for the ten planet theory. It would have been impossible for a Sumerian scientist to deduce that there were ten planets because scientific method wasn’t around back then thus no scientists. Astronomy in ancient Sumeria would consist at looking at the heavens and saying, “wow look at that!” Astronomy didn’t exist at the time anyway, so no joy in Mudville. The Sumerians have astrology a pseudo-science, which was often used to predict the future and that I believe that was where the prediction came from. Astrology was and is a pseudo-science without any basis in reality. I can’t say for certain but my thoughts on the subject don’t go far beyond they took a random guess and hit the nail on the head. Some crazed ufologists might insist that aliens told them all about it on one of their alleged visits to the third rock from the sun but there is no evidence that aliens and Sumerians were hanging out. Somebody alert Eric Von Daniken. I think we have the subject matter for his next bogus pseudo-scientific writing project.

The same astronomers who downgraded Pluto to a planetoid made up for it by postulating we have a Planet X outside the Kuiyper Belt beyond Pluto. Nobody has actually seen Planet X yet but the gravitational affects on electromagnetic fields in our solar system, indicate that it is out there and affecting the other planets. Allegedly Planet X is ten times the size of earth. That’ll give you planet envy. It purportedly has an irregular very wide enormous orbit, which is why we have yet to get a good look at it. I’d have to say that if Planet X does in fact exist, it will be my least favorite planet. It would have to be so cold that it makes Pluto look like Club Med and it has a bad habit of playing peek-a-boo with human telescopes. It is an antisocial planet that does its own thing out on the fringes of the solar system and I’m guessing it has absolutely none of the charm and/or sense of humor of the planet Pluto. You can tell I’m pissed off by that whole Pluto controversy can’t you? The one saving grace Planet X possesses above and beyond the fact it shares an initial with Malcolm X and Xavier MacDaniels (the X Man) is that it has actual evidence of it’s existence. I certainly can’t say the same thing for the myriad of unsubstantiated UFO conspiracy theories flying around these days. Pay attention Von Daniken, this means you. It hasn’t been fully confirmed yet but we have a pretty good idea that it’s out there. My brother’s favorite planet is Saturn. I’m not sure why but ok. We all have our crosses to bear. He probably likes the rings because they remind him of bagels. My favorite heavenly body is Uranus. I can think of nothing more fun than riding some sort of space probe to Uranus to take a look around. It’s much closer to home and by far the sexiest of planets in our solar system. We don’t know much about it because it is obscured by dense cloud cover. That makes it mysterious, which is always a big turn on. I’d like to search for life on Uranus. Hopefully it’s not an insectoid life form living on Uranus. That would be just indescribably gross. I just enjoy saying the word Uranus. It brings me back in a time machine to childhood. Now that’s some puns for your ass there. I don’t care who you are. This message has been brought to you by “The Friends of Pluto.” Don’t be hatin’…

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