Aliens Moved My Cheese
Chapter 30: I’m Fine and So Am I

I’m Fine and So Am I

Cosmonauts and Astronauts have been to space enough times since the 60’s to document some of the effects of living in space on the human mind. It can make us a little screwy. Not “they’re coming to take me away hah, hah” barking at the moon fucked up but more than a little off. Human space travelers report odd visions, weird unexplainable smells and perceptions of an almost surreal dreamlike quality. It makes sense. The gravity we are used to is not present in space. That would have to have some sort of effect on the human brain. Our nuggets haven’t evolved for a zero-g environment, they like standard earth gravity. Consider for a moment that an alien visitor might suffer from similar or even worse symptoms of space dementia. There is no space alien rule book that says aliens aren’t affected by prolonged existence in a weightless environment. UFO abductees generally claim they have been taken into outer space and report a dreamlike quality to their experiences. Most likely that dreamlike quality is to be expected because they are probably just dreaming the entire event from the word go. However, let’s not discount the experiences of out own human space travelers so quickly. Say an alien had to travel several years in a spacecraft to come see us. We aren’t even sure how well humans would do under those circumstances but we’ll give the aliens the benefit of the doubt and assume their reactions to prolonged space travel would be similar to our own. That might go a long way towards explaining the purported bizarre alien behaviors at the end of their journey i.e. anal probing, cow butchering, etc. Humans are capable of doing some really crazy shit when we flip out, why not aliens? I’m sure the abductee subset would love it if this were true. They could throw a party to celebrate their vindication and at the same time found a support group program to help them with that pesky PTSD that sometimes accompanies ass rape. Two birds with one stone, I like it.

That got me wondering, what other forms of mental illness might we have in common with sentient aliens? Obsessive compulsive disorder? That would make sense because if the abductee reports of close encounters of the third kind are all correct, the aliens like to do the same sort of crazy shit over and over and over again. How about Schizophrenia? Auditory and visual hallucinations anybody? That would go a long way to explaining why they freak out and have impromptu cattle carving sessions. They may have thought they heard the cow plotting to kill them? The corn holing is a kind of deranged fetishism but then again that might just be how the aliens shake hands where they’re from, so we won’t go there. Don’t laugh I’ve met human chicks who fit that description. Alien psychopaths are a rather scary thought. Do aliens have serial killers? Was Ted Bundy simply a reptilian disguised by a skin suit? How about John Wayne Gacy? He was into corn holing his victims before and after he killed them. There are a substantial number of unexplained missing persons world wide who might fit the profile of a potential alien serial killer victim. Aliens with bipolar disorder might be interesting. I could envision aliens running around for days hurriedly getting shit done in the manic stage followed by several days of crashing in a depressed state. Some of you may find this funny but it’s not a laughing matter. They just need some help, some meds and possibly intensive individual and group therapy. I’m trying really hard not to stigmatize E.T. here. It’s the politically correct thing for me to do after all and you guys have to know by now I’m all about political correctness. On the plus side in my experience crazy human chicks are as a rule great in bed. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if alien chicks follow this similar unwritten rule.

Of course I’m just wildly speculating here but does this really sound that absurd especially when we have documented evidence that human perception is altered by prolonged space travel? At least in this case we have something in the ballpark of evidence to support my rather bizarre theory. Oddly enough some Ufologists are probably nodding their heads right now in agreement saying, “you know Carl might have a point there?” That would not surprise me at all. We come from a place where one in five Americans believes the sun orbits the earth and less than 50% of Americans comprehend the concept that the earth revolves around the sun on a yearly basis. I’ll bet at least half of those people also believe in alien abduction and the premise of the book “The Chariots of the God’s.” I should alert Gallup so we can take a poll. What I’m attempting to show you is that opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and most of the stuff coming out of it smells suspiciously like bullshit. The concept of alien insanity might carry some weight, if we knew for fact we were actually being visited by aliens as 48% of Americans currently believe without conclusive evidence. Once we sit down and talk to an alien the first thing we can ask them is “do you have lunatics in your midst?” Then I can parade my brilliance in front of millions on “Ancient Aliens” just like Erich Von Daniken, only in my case I’d actually deserve the adoration of millions for being so fucking right. I’m hoping this will also translate into scoring some random wool because let’s face it I am an insatiable horn dog. If you are interested in UFO’s actually study UFO’s, basic science and astronomy just for starters. No wonder the aliens aren’t in a hurry to come meet us. The uneducated amongst the UFO faithful are embarrassing the rest of human kind. Look at it from this perspective. If you were a mentally ill alien freaked out after a long space voyage and subsequent space dementia, would you want to hang out with uneducated imbeciles that make pronouncements about aliens without evidence? If I was an alien I’d be like, “you don’t know me, fuck off!” I hate when that happens as well E.T. *nods knowingly.

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