Aliens Moved My Cheese
Chapter 20: Dead as Dillinger

Most UFO skeptics (like me) are willing to entertain the idea that we are in fact alone in the universe. Please Note: I said “we are willing to entertain the idea. I didn’t say I personally believe we are alone. There is a difference because I am also willing to contemplate the existence of visiting aliens. I don’t want any whiney UFO conspiracy biyotches putting words in my mouth as they are so often prone to do. If you find the Fermi Paradox and Drake’s equation questionable (I do) then what are you left with? The theory that we are the only sentient life in our corner of the galaxy and possibly the universe. In order to accept Drake’s equation at face value, it is necessary to cast your doubt to the wind and just assume that sentient aliens are out there. If you think about it that’s an awfully big assumption. We have no record of alien transmissions. We have no hard indisputable evidence that aliens have visited us. That silence might simply mean there are no E.T.s within hearing shot or there are no E.T.’s at all. Think about it this way. There is no evidence that Bigfoot exists. No DNA evidence, no physical evidence and the one film of an alleged Bigfoot was later discovered to be a hoax. That’s a mythical creature on our own planet, that more than a few people believe exist without solid proof. Extrapolate that to the UFO phenomena. There is no conclusive proof that aliens are out there (so far) and we are talking about mythical creatures purported to live many light years away. Millions of people that would laugh at the concept of Bigfoot wandering around the American Northwest due to a lack of evidence, have no problem conceiving of E.T. grabbing up hillbillies and doing anal probes.

I’m not even taking a religious stance on this matter, which would also suggests that man is the only sentient life in the universe by the will of God. I think God is an imaginary sky wizard friend that is far less likely to exist than aliens. It wouldn’t make any sense for me to take that stance seeing as I’m an atheist. Life for all we know was just a case of a happy coincidence that occurred on this planet alone. As more evidence becomes available hopefully I’ll be able to revise that statement. Think about the odds against primitive life developing on this planet, let alone sentient life. If we had been a little closer to the sun no life. If we had been a little farther away from the sun no life. That alone was like winning the fucking lottery. Just the right series of chemical reactions occurred that led to the creation of life and that is also highly unlikely. Our planet has been through at least two major extinction events. If one branch of our family tree died out during one of these events, I wouldn’t be here making obnoxious comments about humping alien chicks. Is it really that far fetched a notion that we simply got really really lucky and are as a result still around to brag about it? Yes there are a shitload of other star systems and galaxies out there, some with earthlike planets but who is to say any of them were also lottery winners? An earthlike planet isn’t an automatic guarantee that living things will suddenly appear there. It makes the odds improve but we are still talking about enormously long odds. Would you bet your life on choosing the winning numbers playing Powerball? Unless you were out of your stinking mind of course you wouldn’t. The odds of life appearing on an earthlike planet elsewhere are far worse than the odds of winning Powerball and the odds of that life reaching sentient status are even longer still.

Perhaps the reason we haven’t found life out there is because we are looking for life in all the wrong places? That sounds like the title of a bad country song *snicker. Consider the possibility for a second that there might be sentient life out there that is so small it’s microscopic. It would be really easy to overlook such a life form and unless they started sending us transmissions and/or landed a spacecraft under one of our scientists microscopes, we‘d never know they were there. If we go the other direction maybe there is life out there so large, we are mistaking it for heavenly bodies not life forms. Life forms might exist that are pure energy and we might mistake them for astronomical anomalies. I know I’m flogging this to death but we quite simply just don’t know. Those words should be in the vocabulary of every would be Ufologist because let’s face it they just don’t know, regardless of what they try to tell you.

We aren’t even sure if the empty spaces between star systems and planets are capable of sustaining life and if so what kind of life? In a sense we are still like the earliest star gazers looking up at the sky in wonder attempting to arrive at explanations for what we see with very limited data available to come to conclusions. Granted our tools for obtaining such data have improved but we still are only at the beginning stages of being able to start answering these questions. We are much closer to the beginning of this field of study than we are the end. There is an alpha and omega joke in there somewhere, I’m just feeling too fucking lazy to think one at the moment. If the universe is teeming with life why haven’t we legitimately encountered any yet? If as Drake’s hypothesis suggests the universe is packed with sentient life, why would they all be avoiding us like the black plague? It’d be a big stretch to assume all these alleged sentient races are working together on the same page and have similar motivations including a sincere desire to not contact us directly. I’m starting to get the feeling that most Ufologists are also Trekkies who believe aliens have their own version of the “prime directive.” For those of you not in the know “the prime directive” is a rule Starfleet rigorously adhered to that required a policy of non-interference with more primitive alien civilizations. Yes my inner nerd is showing again. A common belief among many Ufologists I’ve met is that aliens checking us out are visiting us under the auspices of a similar type of rule and that explains why they aren’t showing up on talk shows or dating supermodels. The obvious question I have for them is how could you possibly know that? If you are examining this concept from a purely hypothetical stand point, more power to you. If you are claiming this is a fact you need to kill yourself and give the gene pool a friggin’ break. The bottom line is we do not have enough supporting evidence to make any conclusions about the proliferation of life in the universe. There might be an abundance of life out there. We also have to be prepared for the possibility that we are very much alone and the universe is deader than Dillinger.

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