Aliens Moved My Cheese
Chapter 16: They’re All Going to Laugh at You

I find the Fermi Paradox or the contradiction between the high estimates of the probability of aliens that exist and the actual existence of extraterrestrial civilizations, to be the source of hours of fun and humorous speculation. Why do the aliens (if they exist) not want to meet us openly? I like to think I’m fun at parties but then again we are talking about human parties. Really think about the question that the Fermi Paradox poses. Now look at yourself in the mirror? If you didn’t know yourself, would you want to party with you? I know I wouldn’t you loser (just kidding). Let’s consider for a moment the abomination that is human history. We have been at war with each other as long as we have been living on this little blue ball in space. When we don’t have a legitimate reason to fight each other, we make reasons up like issues of religion and greed for example. Is it really that surprising that aliens would be hesitant to invite us to an interstellar block party? We need to consider the possibility that while we might not be the most technologically advanced folks on the block (although that might actually be the case), there is a fairly respectable chance that we are by far the most violent and hostile kids on the block. When you invite people to come over to party, do you go out of your way to invite the most hostile bullying trouble maker you know to hang out? That has a tendency to kill the mood. There I am at a party trying to get my groove on with some lovely lady (or ladies) and here comes an asshole hell bent on starting some shit. Kicking said fucktard’s ass isn’t going to get me laid. So I simply ignore him and hope he doesn’t fuck with me necessitating that I throw the stupid asshat a beating. Maybe the alien reluctance to introduce themselves boils down to something as simple as that. I know that argument is pretty thin but certainly not out of the realm of possibility.

Another scenario nobody seems to have considered is that the aliens might just find us completely disgusting and repulsive in smell and/or appearance. I know that just sounds silly but hear me out. It makes sense in an odd sort of common sense way. If you discovered a creature right here on earth previously unknown to science that to you appeared physically grotesque and smelled like unwashed ass, you might bring it along with you to the party just as some sort of oddity for people to laugh at or gawk at. You would not however have a drink with it and try to set it up on a blind date with your best friend’s sister unless of course you were a very serious weirdo. Now granted I would do it simply as a source of amusement but most normal people have a better developed sense of party etiquette than I do. E.T. might be so far advanced in comparison to humans, he or she might consider us a cool lab specimen nothing more. You wouldn’t treat a lab specimen like an equal partner or colleague now would you? That would just be ludicrous. I honestly hope I’m wrong about this particular concept because as I’m sure you probably know by now, I’m all about making E.T. chicks bow down and worship Buddha. Most humans particularly UFO conspiracy theorists are too arrogant to even consider the fact that we might be the guest that could ruin the cosmic party. That would explain our distinct lack of invites to the Orion version of “Burning Man.” Aliens could be so drastically different in appearance from us, that we are honestly ugly to them. I would hazard to guess that is more likely than less likely. The converse might also be true. We could find them completely repulsive. I wouldn’t mind much after a few shots of tequila. We all have a few questionable chicks in our sexual past that we don’t want to talk about.

The flipside of the argument is that we are the most advanced sentient creatures in our own galactic neighborhood and no other alien race has the ability or technology to pay us a visit. I find that to be a very plausible scenario. We live on the outskirts of a spiral arm in a backwater galaxy the Milky Way. We are in the most backwater part of a backwater galaxy. I’d like to entertain the notion that they aren’t visiting us because they are technologically incapable of doing so. We might not be hearing alien transmissions because they simply haven’t advanced to a level of technology to make said transmissions. If these E.T.’s are still living like its 1399, they could be blissfully unaware of our existence. The entire UFO Conspiracy would then be unceremoniously debunked and half of the loons claiming anal probes out there would be left without a hobby. They would also have to consider the fact that they dreamed their entire abduction and ass play scenario because subconsciously they really get hot and bothered when they think of getting corn holed by an alien. Now that shit’s embarrassing quite literally. If we are the most advanced aliens on the block, it stands to reason that if we survive to develop interstellar light speed travel, we might end up being the perverted aliens that fly around our galaxy anally probing our neighbors for fun. You can smell the irony of it and it smells like alien feces! We could become the strange fuckers who go around landing on alien planets and slaughtering their herd animals for fun, especially if we are employing some astronauts that hail from the great state of Texas. On the positive tip if we are the hottest sentient race on the block, it would undoubtedly make us the poplar kids in class. Other less advanced races would become the ones speculating about our motives for visiting. If we stopped by to say hi to truly primitive aliens, they might even worship us as Gods. We would get to pick and choose which aliens were worthy of contact. I think I’d like that for obvious reasons. I have a big ass ego that occasionally needs some stroking. I’m of course just speculating here. I have no idea what the aliens are doing, what level of technology they are at in relation to humans or why we aren’t hearing from them. It’s fun to guess but even I am not taking what I’m saying seriously. If you can shed some light on why an alien does what a fucking alien does, please by all means show me some proof to support your claims and I’ll be more than happy to look at it. If you are one of those people who claims to just simply know what the aliens are up to, you might be a part of the reason why they aren’t visiting us.

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