A Walk Amongst Shadows (Book 2)
Chapter 12

I decided to spend the remainder of my day at the royal library. The library had quickly become one of my favorite places to visit in the city. I found myself spending hours a day pouring over books. I found my appetite for books and knowledge to be insatiable. Today was the first day I had come without Aris, however. I sat down near the back of the library with the large text in my hands. I would never say this to Aris, but it was a nice change to be in public and not have everyone staring at me. Today, I was invisible. I dusted off the cover of the book, stifling a cough as the particles invaded my nose. The title was faded but still legible: A Complete History of Demons from the Shadow Realm. I scanned the index on the first page unsure what exactly it was I was looking for. There were chapters describing the realm of shadows, the nature of shadow walkers, and even the dark one himself. I noticed a section in the back detailing how to summon a demon with a subchapter titled Invoking by Name. I flipped to the back of the book and found the subsection. The chapter began by explaining the importance of knowing the name of the demon one wished to summon. Without invoking a name, the summoning is not likely to be successful. The next page made my heart skip a beat, a list of all known names of shadow walkers accompanied by a brief subsection describing the shadow walker and the works they’re known for. The section went on and on. I had no idea there were so many of them. Thankfully, the list was alphabetized, and it didn’t take me long to find his name. I felt guilty, snooping on Aris like this. Whatever I find out, I must tell him, I promised myself, hoping to ease my guilty conscience. There was not a lot written about him. As it turned out, Aris is one of the younger shadow walkers, but I read on anyway.

Aris

One of the newest additions to the infernal family, the demon called Aris is particularly vicious and is often called upon to carry out acts most egregious by those who summon him. Known for his physical attractiveness and silver tongue, he has been called the prince of the shadow realm, right hand to the dark one himself.

I felt a shiver run down my spine as I read that last sentence. Was it possible this was a different Aris? I looked through the rest of the names in the ‘A’ section but found none. I felt a wave of distrust and paranoia washing over me, just as it had when I first learned the truth about my village. I took a deep breath. Easy Rose. Don’t jump to any conclusions just yet. I thought to myself. But if this book was accurate and Aris was truly the right hand of the dark one, then I was in much more danger than I had originally thought. Aris seemed to think that he had been chosen to collect me from Wren’s Glen because he had once lived there as well. But perhaps his dark father wanted to keep me close by for other reasons. I cursed myself, wondering how much trouble I had gotten myself into. Surely there were two sides to this story. After all, Aris had never been violent towards me. My mind flashed back to the incident in the royal city. Old habits, Aris had explained. Again, I wondered what exactly his old habits had been. Perhaps they were so called because he wasn’t like that anymore. Don’t make excuses, Rose, I told myself. I had done that for far too long as a villager and did not want to return to any old habits of my own. I thought back on my time with Aris thus far. All the nights we had shared, the way he had held me, kissed me, loved me. Had it all been an act? I tried to shove down those thoughts. I needed to talk to him. There was no sense in letting my heart break until I knew the truth. I signed the book out on the ledger and briskly walked home. I felt tears stinging my eyes but wiped them away. Truth first, feelings later, I repeated in my mind. Luckily, Aris was waiting for me when I arrived.

“How’d it go?” he asked. Then upon seeing my expression, “what’s wrong?”

I walked over to him and placed the book on the table in front of him.

Aris looked down and read the title. He grinned. “So, I take it you found me then,” he commented.

I nodded, then flipped to the page with his name on it. I watched his black eyes scanning the page. His expression darkened the more he read. I sat down on the chair in front of him and waited for him to finish. I steadied my breath, I didn’t want to cry.

“Must’ve been written by one of my fans,” he smirked, but his expression remained downcast.

“Aris,” I tried to hide the exasperation in my voice. “What is this?”

He flipped the book shut and sighed, “I think I’d like to know who it was that authored this book.” He pushed it away from him on the table.

“So, it’s not true?” I asked.

“It’s not completely true,” he admitted. “I’ve never been the prince of anything, let alone of the underworld. And I’m most definitely not my father’s right hand,” he scoffed.

“And the rest?” I pressed, urgency in my voice.

“Are you afraid of me, Rose?” he asked, an air of disbelief in his voice.

“Of course I’m not afraid of you.” I sighed sitting back in my chair. “But I do have questions now. I mean surely you must understand that, right?”

He nodded. “Rose, you know you can always ask me anything.” He sounded a little hurt, and I felt another wave of guilt wash over me.

“I know,” I sighed. “I’m sorry. I saw the book and it piqued my curiosity. I guess I just got carried away. I promise I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you.”

“Don’t feel bad about it,” he said simply, much to my surprise. “I’m just glad you’re talking to me about it now.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah, I mean, it was only a matter of time before something like this,” he gestured to the book, “came across your path. I also don’t intend to perpetuate the off-limit knowledge nonsense that the village was so keen on.”

I nodded, appreciating his candor. But the knot in my stomach was as tight as it was when we began speaking.

“Even if you had told me you found a book about demons, I wouldn’t have tried to stop you from reading it.” He sat back, “So…” he said.

“So, what?” I asked.

“Ask away.” He gestured towards himself, “I’m all yours.”

I smiled, smitten slightly by those last words. The words “known for his silver tongue” rang in my mind. Focus Rose. I told myself. “Why does this book describe you as vicious, and what exactly are these egregious acts?”

“Before I tell you,” he paused, “please understand that I’m not proud of this,” he gestured to the book, “of any of it.” He seemed a little nervous, but continued nevertheless, “I know I told you about how I died and what happened immediately after.”

I nodded.

“I didn’t, however, tell you what happened after father brought me back.”

“Okay.”

He was silent for a moment. I could see him wrestling with what to say next

“Aris,” I said softly, grabbing his hand from across the table. He looked up at me. “You can tell me,” I encouraged. As nervous as I felt to hear the truth about Aris, his demeanor had suddenly shifted in such a way that suggested he was far more nervous than I was.

He took a deep breath and squeezed my hand. “I lost it, Rose. I mean lost it.” He looked away from me, “I wasn’t like you. I didn’t have the same control over life magic.”

My heart sank, I knew where this was going. I sat patiently while he struggled to find the words.

“I was angry, and hurt, and betrayed, and I- I killed them.” He removed his hand from mine and ran it through his dark hair and sat back in his chair. I didn’t know if he was waiting for a response from me or not. I remained silent. “I didn’t have to do it either, any of it. I was given the option to walk away and I chose to go back.” His words were slow and deliberate. “I don’t know if you felt this way, but I wanted them all to suffer.” He looked back at me, pain in his expression. I thought back to my failed purification ritual, the night I had spent repenting, the fear I had felt and the deep sadness of losing my family. The memories brought tears to my eyes, it felt like it was happening all over again. All I could do was nod. Unlike Aris, I had held the lives of everyone in the village that day. Had I taken just a little more, there would be no Wren’s Glen. “My father was my first victim,” he continued. I felt my jaw drop and forced myself to maintain my composure. He continued, “I went straight for the man who handed me over to the council.” He paused for a moment. “I gave no thought to the fact that he was the man that had raised me. And that,” he pounded his fist lightly on the table, then looked back at me, “is why that book and so many others you will come across call me vicious,” he spat the word.

“Aris I-” but he wasn’t through.

“No, it doesn’t stop there, though I wish it did.” I felt a little nauseated, there was more. “It wasn’t enough, I kept going. I tore through that wretched village and didn’t stop until I reached the royal city. I paid no mind to any of my victims: men, women, even children,” he exhaled sharply. “Once word about me had gotten out and what all I was capable of, I was summoned left and right. I didn’t refuse a single request. I killed anyone and everyone I was asked to...” He looked miserable, “without a thought.” I was speechless. How many lives had he taken since becoming a shadow walker?

“Why, Aris?” was all I could think to say to break the silence.

He put his face in his hands, still not meeting my gaze. “If I had an answer…”

“There was a line in another section…” I started, “that said seeing you was like seeing the god of the underworld himself.”

He closed his eyes tightly, the words had stung. As much as it pained me to see him hurting, I needed the truth. “I don’t doubt it,” he replied quietly. I could see his eyes were glassy.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I felt tears welling in my eyes, but blinked them back.

“I wanted to,” he started, “I really did, Rose. There were so many times I could have but-” he hesitated.

“Aris, I get this isn’t an easy thing to talk about, but you understand how this makes me feel, right? I’ve put my complete trust in you, hell, my very life has been in your hands…” I trailed off. “After everything that I went through in that village, finding out that everyone I thought I could trust was lying to me… How am I supposed to feel about this now?”

He got up and circled the table. He sat down in the chair directly beside me. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and took my hands in his. “Rose, you have every right to be infuriated with me. After all you’ve been through…you deserve so much better.” I saw tears in his eyes. “I was going to tell you everything that day before you paid your repentance…” he trailed off.

“Why didn’t you?” I asked, softening my tone.

“You were so happy to see me…” he paused, a faint smile played across his lips as he recalled the memory. “I remember seeing you smile. You ran up and hugged me, like you had been missing me.”

“I had been missing you,” I said, smiling weakly, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

“All I could do was remember how you had looked at me the first time we met compared to how you were looking at me in that moment. I couldn’t bear the thought of you looking at me the way everyone else looks at me…” he trailed off, “like a monster.”

I sighed. “Aris-”

“I know, it doesn’t excuse it,” he interrupted.

“Why not on our way down the mountain then?” I asked. We had talked about so much during our travels to the royal city.

“You were in such a fragile state, I just wanted you to feel safe with me. And honestly, I was afraid, too.”

“Afraid?” I asked.

“Of how you’d receive the information,” he elaborated. We sat in silence for a moment. Finally, I broke it.

“Why’d you stop?” I muttered, barely over a whisper.

He took a deep breath. “The books are right, I really had turned into a monster, Rose. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I didn’t feel human… So, I went back to the realm of shadows and stayed there for a very long time. Locking myself away from any and all mortals. I was gone for so long that father began to worry that I was losing myself entirely.”

“And that’s when he sent you to me,” I supplemented.

“Yes,” he said. More silence. “I don’t expect you to be okay with any of this, I am more than happy to leave if that’s what you want,” he said quietly. “But I need you to know that I could never harm you,” he looked intently at me. It was clear he was terrified of my reaction. I felt sickened and conflicted by all of it. I wasn’t okay with what he had done, but I also didn’t recognize Aris in this story at all, at least not my Aris. Ugh, you’re sounding like a naive child. I scolded myself. I struggled with what to say. I was stuck. I still had so many questions for him, but I didn’t want to torture him any longer. I wasn’t used to seeing him like this, so fragile.

“Please say something,” his voice sounded desperate.

“Of course, I hate that you killed people...” I started, Aris seemed to wince at the words, “and I despise the fact that you kept this part of yourself a secret from me.” I thought on my words for a moment. “But I also have no idea that I would’ve acted any differently had I been in your situation,” I conceded.

He looked surprised.

I continued, “I don’t fear for my safety when I’m with you, not before, and certainly not now.” I watched his shoulders relax, “The fact is,” I said reaching forward placing my hand on top of his, “I’ve never felt safer than when I am with you.”

He smiled weakly, wiping his eyes with his free hand. I slid my other hand into his as we stood up together.

“Promise me though, no more censoring your past. If you want me to continue trusting you, I need to know the truth, however unpleasant,” I finished.

He nodded. “Of course. I’m so sorry, Rose. I promise, I won’t hesitate moving forward. Whatever you want to know.”

I nodded and he pulled me into him. I could sense a sort of desperation in him that I had never felt before. It was odd being the one to comfort him for a change. We broke apart. He studied my expression.

“What is it?” he asked.

“You said women and children…”

“I never intended to harm any children,” he spoke solemnly. “But when I left the village there were a fair number of bystanders that were taken out in my wake. As far as any women are concerned, I only killed those who I was given orders to. Typically, spurned lovers or jealous wives…” he trailed off realizing this explanation was not helping me feel any better. I felt sick as I opened my mouth to ask my next question. “What about, you know, sexual aggression?” I hated what I was implying, but deep down I had to know the truth of what he was truly capable of.

Aris looked intently into my eyes. “Never.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. Then immediately felt guilty again. Was this really where I was drawing the line in morality? It all felt so wrong.

“The things you must think of me,” he said, more to himself than to me. I placed my hands on his shoulders, he felt unsteady.

“I think that there have been a lot of horrible things that have happened to you in your life. I think that you have, in turn, done a lot of horrible things as a result. But the man I have come to know is anything but a monster.” I took a deep breath. Was I even correct? Was this my way of justifying living with a murderer and loving him despite it? “I know that the moments I have been with you have been some of the happiest in my life. I don’t know if that makes me a bad person or not,” I contemplated out loud. Does loving someone who has committed such heinous acts make me as guilty as him? Aris looked relieved; his eyes full of adoration. I felt hollow.

“I can’t remember the last time I felt as happy as when I am with you,” he spoke barely over a whisper. He tilted my chin towards his face and leaned down and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled myself closer. I felt my doubts melting away as we kissed. Aris pulled away for a moment and looked into my eyes, “I’m in love with you, Rose,” he spoke sweetly.

I smiled. I knew Aris cared about me, that was no secret. But this was the first time he had used the word love. “I love you, too,” I responded, standing on my tiptoes to kiss him again. I cursed myself for feeling so happy in his embrace. Was I really prepared to accept the reality of this situation so easily? Would I have been so quick to forgive if I had known the truth before getting to know him the way I have? What did you expect? Shadow walkers are notorious for a reason. I scorned myself. The truth was, of course I knew. I had to know. People weren’t afraid of shadow walkers merely out of prejudice. For centuries, their actions have proven how dangerous and monstrous they can be. Is there such a thing as a good shadow walker? My stomach turned as I wondered just how bad Aris’ story would’ve needed to be to drive me away.

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