Rivers of blood and sand
Chapter 13

True to his word, Ander remained by my side as we moved through clan lands. When the memories were too much for me to handle, he was there, helping ground me to the present. I never expected this kind of patience from him, at least not where I was concerned.

The cottages we passed blended into the forest as if they’d always been part of the trees and underbrush. They were built in varying shades of white, tan, and brown, with peaked roofs and picture windows. I couldn’t come up with a mental image of the cottage I lived in with my parents—I most certainly wouldn’t be visiting it in my time here, I knew my limits. All I could remember was that a lot of our furniture was pastel greens, blues, and yellows. Mom was always a big fan of light light colors and usually her clothes followed the theme.

Roman’s cottage was bigger than the ones we’d seen so far, but somehow still didn’t disturb the forest. Ivy and flowers climbed up the walls, adding pops of color to the browns and tans. The windows were bigger in the front than the others, taking up a good amount of real estate.

Before either of us could knock, the door swung open, revealing Roman. He towered over me as he filled the frame. A warm smile lit his face as soon as his gaze landed on me. Multiple shades of blue swirled in the depths of his eyes, appearing almost purple in this lighting. They held a warmth and fondness as he glanced between Ander and me.

He’d been Alpha for over fifty years, and like Callahan, and Raine, was an attentive Alpha that cared about his clan and their well-being. He’d been the one to break the news to me about my parents and personally punished those still alive that had been involved in their deaths.

“If it isn’t little Starling,” he said, his rich and deep voice soothing.

He stepped to the side, gesturing for us to enter, and closed the door behind us. More memories sprang to the surface as I took in the familiar sights and scents. I’d spent a decent amount of time here, both before and after my parent’s deaths.

We found ourselves in a spacious, but somehow cozy living room, with warm colors and comfortable furniture. Art lined the walls, vivid and colorful landscape paintings of the realms that were attached to our own. Sculptures that were multiple feet tall sat around the room. All of them were carved from stone, marble, and even glass. The one thing they had in common, was that they were all animals. They varied in species, a few of them had no equivalent in the human realm.

Ander guided me to the loveseat that was a dark, but somehow bright, green and sat next to me. His leg was pressed against mine and pulled all my focus. There was no way I’d be able to pay attention to this conversation now.

Roman remained standing, leaning back against the cobblestone wall across from us. From his lack of surprise at seeing us, it was clear he received Raine’s message, but he wasn’t dressed up. It wasn’t like I expected him to wear a suit or something ridiculous, but most Alphas wouldn’t be dressed so comfortably when they knew they had a meeting with those outside their clan. He wore a white t-shirt with a pair of gray sweatpants. His mid-length white blonde hair was a few shades darker than usual due to it still being wet.

Objectively, he was beyond gorgeous but I couldn’t ever find myself desiring him. Even before I met Ander and all men seemed bland in contrast to him, I just couldn’t see him that way. He had helped me out so much when I was little and made sure I was taken care of after my parent’s deaths. He was the one to help me through the long process of my spirit animal transference. It had been clear he hadn’t wanted me to switch animals, but he still helped me through it nonetheless. Roman was like family to me, the way Koa and his parents were.

“Raine gave me an abridged version of what’s happened, but was vague on the details,” Roman said, running his fingers through his damp hair, sending droplets of water flying in all directions. A frown had settled over his face, no doubt he was confused by everything, just as we were.

Roman listened to our story, not speaking until we were finished. His expression was contemplative as he stroked his jaw, until I mentioned that Liv thought there was an offering site in his territory. The muscles in his biceps flexed as he crossed his arms and clenched his jaw. “Give me a few minutes, I’ll find where it is.” He pushed off the wall, his long strides putting him out of sight in seconds.

“That was interesting,” Ander murmured as he laced his fingers together.

“He’s protective of his clan,” I defended, assuming Ander was commenting on Roman’s sudden departure. The thought that one of those dangerous sacrifice sites was in his territory, was most likely putting his spirit animal on high alert.

“He seemed pretty familiar with you.” I jolted at Ander’s blunt statement, momentarily confused at the sudden shift in topic. Was Ander seriously insinuating that Roman had a thing for me, or that something happened between us at some point? I nearly made a face at the thought, just barely holding it back. Other than the meeting a few months back, I hadn’t seen or talked to Roman since I was a child.

“He was my Alpha for the first six years of my life.” I shrugged, not sure what else to say. I didn’t want to go into detail about how I could never think of him in any way that was remotely sexual. What if I was wrong and he wasn’t hinting at what I thought he was? What if he was just making a casual, offhanded comment?

Ander made a noncommittal sound that basically said he didn’t believe me, and rather than let this go like I normally would, I shifted around on the loveseat until I faced him. “Hmm? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t realize Alphas remembered a former member of their clan that hasn’t been a member for over two decades.” There was something almost too casual about the way he spoke, with an undercurrent of tension layering his voice.

Heaving out a sigh, I dragged my hands down my face. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were jealous.”

Throughout our conversation, Ander hadn’t looked at me once. His forearms were resting on his knees as he bent over, with his hands laced together. From the way his forearms flexed, he was squeezing the fuck out of his hands. His focus remained on the cobblestone wall like he was trying to memorize it or discern a pattern in the various-sized light gray stones. “I would have to care to be jealous.”

I recoiled from him as if he just slapped me. He might as well have with how much his words stung. This was the Ander I knew all too well. I should’ve been expecting this version to rear its head. I had become too complacent. I’d let the shift in our dynamic cloud my thoughts.

After how attentive he was earlier, the jab hurt worse than all the others preceding this. “Wow,” I muttered, barely able to hide the hurt in my voice. This was the last thing I needed right now, not here of all places.

I didn’t say another word to him as I pushed off the loveseat and stormed out of the living room. The open space of the bright kitchen was inviting as I entered, seeking refuge from Ander. Hopefully, he wouldn’t follow me like last time. The last thing I needed was any more rude shit he might throw my way. Or worse, if he pulled another sudden one-eighty.

Light gray countertops complemented the dark stone of the floors. The light green appliances were a nice pop of color that brought light into the space. As did the window spanning the wall over the sink, overlooking the back of the cottage. Over thirty feet away, a small creek wound through the trees until it disappeared from sight. It was a beautiful view and I understood the need for the massive window.

I don’t know how long I stood there, staring numbly out the window. Ander’s harsh words replaying in my mind even though I tried to forget them. Nor could I ignore the sharp sting of rejection. How could I have been so wrong? The way he seemed to insinuate Roman’s behavior toward me wasn't platonic screamed jealousy. It wasn’t a leap with how we had sex twice and he had said he would be the one to decide when we were done. In most cases, that would be seen as interest. That they cared. But I guess Ander was just different and it had been hate-fucks on his part.

Roman emerged from the trees, jolting me out of my thoughts as he crossed the creek. He was still dressed as he was before and had been in such a rush, he hadn’t thought to put on shoes. It was almost impressive how his white shirt and gray sweatpants were still clean, not showing a hint of grass stains or dirt.

The back door opened and closed, barely making a sound as he entered. “I’ve found—”

Roman cut himself off once he took one look at me. His expression immediately shifted and I didn’t know him well enough anymore to know what he was thinking, but I doubted it was good. Based on the fact it happened once he saw my face, I knew I wasn’t hiding my internal turmoil too well. Fuck. What expression was I wearing?

“What happened?” He joined me at the sink, his gaze searching my face.

I shook my head, feeling stupid for being so upset by this. The last thing I wanted to do was discuss this when Ander was most likely listening in. Not that he’d care since apparently, he didn’t have that emotion in regard to me. But even if Ander couldn’t hear us, talking about this with my old Alpha who I used to look up to, didn’t sound appealing. “It’s nothing,” I muttered, proud of myself that my voice didn’t give away my emotions.

Roman chewed on his bottom lip and glanced in the direction of the living room, as if he could see Ander through the walls. His eyebrows were pulled together as he appraised me for several moments, considering something.

“Did you know I was only thirty when I met the love of my life?” I frowned at the sudden subject change as I shook my head. A small smile lifted his lips. I’d seen him smile many times before, but I’d never seen this. There was a soft emotion that I’d say was love, but it was mixed with… maybe sadness? “She was also a summoner—different animal—and she was crazy in the best kind of way, so full of life. Filled with such passion and vibrancy that every woman since has paled in comparison.”

I knew for certain he didn’t have a mate. Which was why I made the blunder earlier and accused Ander of being jealous. I was almost afraid to ask my next question. There was little doubt in my mind I’d regret asking, but my curiosity got the better of me. “What happened?”

The smile faded completely as his expression became unreadable. “I was young and stupid. I fucked up and she could never forgive me. I let my stupid fears get the best of me and listened to people I shouldn’t have. What made it worse, was that I was warned by my closest friends not to go through with it, but I didn’t listen right away. I lied to her and her sisters and betrayed their trust, and as a consequence, I lost her. I lost her and her sisters hated me. Hell, one threatened to kill me.”

I didn’t comment as he looked up at the ceiling, barking out a laugh that lacked any joy. My chest clenched at the pain threading his words. While I didn’t know what he did, I knew his heart and that he was a good man who cared deeply for others.

“I should’ve tried harder, tried to make amends, and done everything I could to have her forgive me. Instead, I stayed away, thinking she’d be better off without me.” Roman’s eyes met mine and I was shocked at the agony burning in their depths. My stomach dropped and I knew I wouldn’t like what he had to say next. “When I heard about her death, I—”

He opened and closed his mouth, unable to say anything else. I didn’t stop to consider my actions, I wrapped my arms around his middle and pulled him into a hug. His arms immediately wrapped around me as he took a deep and shuddering breath.

He admitted to fucking up their relationship, which I think showed a great amount of maturity and accountability. I doubted it involved cheating since I knew for certain he wasn’t the type. He’d also mentioned lying and betraying her sisters so that also cemented my opinion.

The melancholy that had been shadowing his expression earlier was gone as he pulled back from the hug. I opened my mouth to tell him he needed to stop punishing himself when he spoke. “I didn’t mean to make you feel sorry for me, I had a point to that story, believe it or not. Fear makes us do, or even say stupid things that we’ll live to regret. It may not seem like it, but we all have our stories and shame we must live with.” His voice was soft, but the impact and implications weren’t.

How he knew Ander’s words were what had me so upset, I’d never know, but I was still grateful for his words of wisdom. Even though I doubted Ander’s harsh words were due to fear. What did he have to be afraid of?

“You were saying you found something when you came in,” I prompted instead of voicing my doubts. I needed a shift in subject to alleviate the heavy atmosphere from the room that still lingered in the wake of his revelations.

“I did and it’s not looking good. There are more than enough sacrifices for it to build energy.”

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