Rivers of blood and sand
Chapter 12

We went our separate ways, with Aidan heading back to Lynx clan lands. He sent a message to Rain, letting him know what we found. Raine immediately messaged back, letting us know he sent a message to Alpha Roman, informing him Ander, and I would be stopping by.

Nervous energy buzzed through me before I stepped through the portal to the outskirts of their territory. I hadn’t been back here since I switched clans and spirit animals. Even though it had been over twenty-seven years since the last time I was here, the sight of the forest was familiar. Bluish-green grass blanketed the ground, coming up to my calves. The bark of the towering trees was an off-white that gave off a vanilla scent mixed with an intoxicating citrus.

Memories sprang up at the scent, some of the details from them were fuzzy with age, while others were burned into my brain. Like the day my parents were murdered. Those memories would probably never leave me no matter how much time passed.

We'd been having a picnic near the northernmost pond, with water that was a light, almost pastel green. Colorful flowers were scattered throughout the grass, adding a fragrant floral scent to the air along with grass, and the fresh scent of the pond.

We sat on a bright yellow blanket as we ate and enjoyed each other’s company. I was giggling as my dad tickled me when my mom sensed something out of the ordinary. Pure horror painted her expression as she met my dad’s gaze. She grabbed my shoulders, her eyes, which were the same shade of blue as mine, were wide as she told me to run as fast as I could. As I ran away, I gave one last glance over my shoulder at my parents and that was the last time I saw them.

Meeting my brother was another moment that was seared into my brain. I had been exhausted from running for so long without slowing down, fear pushing me to keep running. Not only that but I was completely lost. I had never wandered around alone in the forests, not without one of my parents or close family friends.

When Koa caught up to me and pulled me to a stop, I was so afraid he was one of the men I heard chasing me. I tried fighting him at first, until Koa killed one of the men that tried to attack me, and I realized I was wrong. In that moment, I knew he was someone I could trust with my life and I never doubted that since.

More memories invaded my mind at an almost dizzying speed, and most of them weren’t from the day that changed my life forever. These were happy memories from a simpler time in my life. The way my parents looked at each other with so much love and adoration. The games my father would play with me in the yard. Countless memories I hadn’t allowed myself to think of in years and thought I’d forgotten, were being unlocked from just being here.

Remembering all of these happy and nostalgic moments was almost worse than thinking about the day they died. It was a stark reminder of all that was taken from me. The ache it created in my chest stole my breath and had me slowing to a stop.

I braced myself against a tree, breathing deeply, trying to slow my quickening breaths and ease the tension clamping my chest. My heart was racing, pulse pounding in my neck as my vision swam. No matter how hard I tried to even out my breathing, it kept coming out in quick and uneven breaths. The bark of the tree was smooth, almost silky under my hands and my forehead as I dropped my head forward. I hadn’t been expecting to react this way, thinking I was long past being affected by the past, but I was wrong.

I was so wrapped up in the memories of the past that I forgot Ander was here with me. He was more gentle than he’d ever been with me as he pulled me away from the tree and to the ground to sit between his knees. I feebly struggled against him, not wanting him to see me like this, but his arms wrapped around my middle and pulled my back flush against his chest.

Ander made low soothing sounds as he whispered in my ear. He told me it would pass and that he was here. In between his reassurances, he gave me different things to focus my senses on. Following his advice, I listened to the chirping birds and focused on the differences between their chirps. The sounds the squirrels made as they ran through the trees, shaking the branches and causing several leaves to fall to the grass. He had me focus on how the wind felt on my face, bringing with it more floral scents from the nearby plant life. He also lightly tapped my arms with his fingers and had me focus on the rhythm and the sensations that followed.

It took some time and a ton of patience on Ander’s part, but finally, my breaths slowed to match his and the tightness constricting my chest eased, leaving me drained. My body felt shaky and weak as I slumped back against Ander. I knew it was best not to attempt pushing away or standing since I doubted my legs would be able to hold me at the moment.

Even though the panic holding me hostage had passed, Ander still kept whispering soothing words, his lips brushing my ear or neck every so often, inciting shivers and goosebumps to raise along my arms.

I wasn’t sure why I said what I did next. Maybe I wanted him to understand my seemingly random reaction, or maybe I wanted to share a piece of myself that I usually kept hidden. “I haven’t been back here since my parents were murdered. I thought I’d be able to handle this with how long it’s been. But as soon as we stepped out of the portal, all these memories kept rushing in all at once.”

“I understand,” Ander whispered back, resting his chin on top of my head. I had a feeling he truly understood what I felt and wasn’t just saying that. The way he said those words and how he helped me through my blind panic spoke volumes. I didn’t press for any details, just as he hadn’t with me. We both sat here in silence for some time, absorbing the calm scenery around us that was at odds with the internal turmoil I just went through.

This forest had at one point been home to me, and if it weren’t for those asshole summoners, it still would be.

“Do you think you can handle being here?” Ander asked, tracing a design on my arms. At his words and their insinuation, had my previously relaxed muscles tensing. Ander sighed and wrapped his arms around my stomach, preventing me from shoving away from him. “I didn’t mean it as an insult. There is nothing wrong with being unable to return somewhere. Not when it’s still haunted by memories.”

“You talk like you’ve experienced this.”

“I have, and it took me many years to face those ghosts. I know what you’re feeling and going through.” An undercurrent of emotion threaded his words and I knew he was giving up a lot by admitting this to me.

Maybe that was why I made my next confession. It was easier to share secrets with someone when you didn’t have them watching your every expression. “I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if they hadn’t been killed. Would I be the same person as I am now if I'd been raised by them? Don’t get me wrong, I love Koa and his parents. I’m so grateful to them, but I—”

“Can’t help but feel like you missed out,” Ander finished, almost like he plucked the words right out of my head.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat and nodded as I stared at a patch of sunlight filtering through the trees. “You’re not betraying your brother or those who raised you when you miss your parents. Just like you’re not betraying your parents for loving those who kept you safe all these years,” Ander said after nearly a minute of silence.

The back of my throat and my eyes burned with unshed tears. If he kept talking like this, I was afraid I’d lose my tenuous hold on them. “How were you able to finally face the ghosts of your past?”

Ander’s hands flexed against my stomach before relaxing. “I’m not sure I’ve truly moved past them, but if you’re willing, I can help you face yours. Or we can leave and have someone else deal with this, the choice is yours.”

For once I didn’t get the feeling he was insulting or judging me. He would understand if I said this was too much and I couldn’t handle it today. While it was tempting to do so, I needed this. I needed to get past this, and not have it hanging over my head. The only way for me to do this was to face it once and for all.

“You’ll be with me the entire time?” I asked, hesitancy filling my tone.

“Don't worry, you're stuck with me until all of this is over.”

While his words reassured me, they also had my stomach sinking with dread. The time limit of how much time we had together now loomed over us like a dark shadow, and a part of me hoped we’d never find out what was going on.

Who would’ve thought I’d go from wishing he'd leave me alone to wishing he would stay?

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