Darkest Before the Dawn (male/male)
The Panic Chapter

Barty

I will be the first person to tell anyone that having a panic attack in the supply closet at their work is downright miserable. Unlike having one at home in the safety and privacy of my pillow as the memory foam stifled my crying, I had to bite my lip and hope the custodian wasn’t a night owl.

Sure, I had medication. It was just conveniently sitting in my suitcase at the hotel, neatly put away because who the fuck can’t wait to get home to have a panic attack? Me, that’s who.

But there I was, having escaped from Goldie and Felix as quickly as I could. Unfortunately for me, they both loved talking. They didn’t know, though.

I had tried so hard to keep it locked tight down into the depths of my chest while my stomach became gnarled knots and my lungs closed in on themselves. It was a truly delightful way to spend the evening.

Now my face was sticky from tears and my lip was still quivering like a baby’s. I was simultaneously hot and cold, wishing I had my weighted blanket and my fan was turned to maximum speed. I never remembered to pack it when I came to Mazerene. I never thought I’d need it.

Exhaustion started seeping into my bones, my eyes swollen from tears. The stench of bleach and soaps started to burn my nose. This wasn’t a good place to be anymore. Really, it was never a great place, but the bathroom didn’t seem like any better of an option. “Alright, dumbass, up you go,” I murmured to myself, shakily standing up. My legs and arms were still twitchy, the tingling in my hands finally starting to subside.

The self-loathing after a panic attack was always the worst. It was comparable to jacking off, cumming, then having to stare at yourself in your computer screen while the brain fog cleared away. I’d be avoiding any mirrors or reflective surfaces as best as I could for the next few hours to avoid looking myself in the eyes. There would be nothing but shame there. Someone else had gotten the better of me. Someone who didn’t need to know much about me before picking me apart like a kid ripping petals off flowers.

An awful taste burned in my throat. I hoped it was the chemicals.

Cracking the door open, I peeked my head outside, checking to make sure the area was clear before coming out of the closet. That’s a bad joke. I shouldn’t have giggled at myself like I did.

While waiting for the taxi to take me to my hotel, I read through the texts from Cadence, guilt settling in my stomach when she sent two photos of her, Goldie, and Felix, all of them holding up wine glasses. Felix’s was half full of blood, a little color on his face for once from having a little to drink before the picture was taken.

He was a fucking idiot, putting himself between me and the woman I would have killed if my job wasn’t on the line. It was reckless and stupid and could have gotten him killed. Just because I didn’t like the guy doesn’t mean I wanted him dead. And I had to admit, the idiot knew how to talk someone down from being ready to rip out someone’s tongue. Him being so boring and mild-mannered finally paid off with how calmly he spoke.

Oh, yeah. I was probably supposed to feel some sort of anger towards him going out with the only two people I enjoyed being around, all without me. I didn’t have the energy to care much. The taxi had arrived, I was drained, and a double whiskey before bed sounded appetizing. I sent Cadence a quick text: glad you had fun. You owe me a drink.

I owed myself a drink, which I immediately did when I got back to the hotel room, ignoring the eight-dollar charge for a mini bottle of whiskey. It burned when I drank it, cheap and settling thickly in my stomach. It didn’t matter. Better than nothing. Actually, it was so much better than nothing that I went for the second bottle, sipping at it while I showered. Shower beer was nothing compared to shower whiskey.

Maybe this was how I could get through the rest of the questions with Madeline. I couldn’t do it sober. She knew how to burrow under someone’s flesh and rip them apart from within, like one of those wasps that laid its eggs inside of other insects. She was about as merciless as a wasp. I had never felt dread from anyone’s words, yet she ignited a frenzy of fear inside of me, all from talking.

Part of me sympathized with Felix, probably the only reason I was cutting him slack for going out with my sister and Goldie. He dealt with Madeline for years, somehow, all on his own. He had guts and the fucking patience of a saint. It was likely the whole reason he was as calm as he was, having weathered out the storm that was known as Madeline Castor.

Tomorrow, I wouldn’t let her get the best of me. Felix had already said he wouldn’t put me back in with her. It was going to be either me or him, and I’d rather it be me. I didn’t want him anywhere near Madeline again, not after having just a taste of what he dealt with while he was with her. I would just remember to bring my medicine next time or take a break if she dug too deep. Whatever I could to make sure Felix wasn’t her target anymore.

If you (the royal you, of course) haven’t experienced sleep after an anxiety attack, you’re missing out. Dreams can’t penetrate that kind of sleep. I was dead to the world for twelve hours, waking up at eleven the following morning to a gurgling stomach, whining for food. Anxiety really stifles the appetite. It’s a fantastic dieting tool, as long as you don’t mind the whole “can’t breathe, tingling extremities, feeling like I’m about to puke” thing.

Now there were a few texts on my phone, from all three idiots who had gone out from the night before. Cadence and Marigold had clearly drunk too much, leaving Felix to make sure they got home.

I don’t owe you shit. Cadence.

Miss youuu! Having drink in your name. Marigold. Hope you feel better! Love yooou! There was a photo of her grinning like an idiot over her wineglass.

Another picture of the three of them from Cadence, the girls sticking out their tongues and Felix in between them, looking highly unsure of himself. Go drink tonight accompanied the picture.

I only had one, albeit long, text from Felix: Got the girls back to their hotel room safely. I hope you’re doing better. Goldie said to let you be. You never texted me that you got to the hotel, so I assume you’re dead now. Oops. I knew I had forgotten to do something the night before. My thumb hesitated over the phone, wondering momentarily if I should apologize.

Nah. Don’t set up standards for yourself that you can’t keep, that’s what I always say. Yes. I am texting from beyond the grave. I missed Hell. A ghost emoji topped it off. I was proud of that text.

After getting ready, I sent out a text to the group chat that I was in with Goldie and Cadence: you up or am I eating alone? Admittedly, I was surprised when Cadence called a moment after. “She lives,” I teased, getting a groan.

“Go fuck a cactus. We’ve been up since nine because I forgot to turn off my alarm last night.” My sister yawned on the other line, loud and annoying. It suited her. “We doing brunch or what? I’m starving.”

“You just want a mimosa,” I teased, shrugging on my jacket. “Meet you at our usual in fifteen minutes?”

“Sure, sure. Get us our table.” She hung up mid-yawn.

While Harmonia’s was mine and Goldie’s favorite place for after-work drinks, Shelby’s Diner was mine and Cadence’s favorite place before work. We had brought Goldie to it only a handful of times since my sister and I viewed it as “our place”. It was the first restaurant we ate at when we started on Mazerene twenty years before, the first place I ate after I left the hospital from the Richard attack, and the place where Cadence always took me after a particularly hard case. All the businesses on Mazerene were privately owned by the supernatural and funky creatures welcome to the island, and Cadence I probably single-handedly kept Shelby’s open.

The owner, a selkie, was greeting patrons when I came through the door. “Morning, Shelb,” I called, waving at her.

“Hello, handsome. Where’s the better Palmer sibling?” she asked, winking at me with her teal eyes.

“She’ll be here. We brought Marigold with us. Our table open?” She led me to our usual place, a booth that had a clear view of the street that ran perpendicular to the restaurant. At the end of the street was the ocean. “Coffee for me and Goldie, mimosa for Cade. Go ahead and put in an extra order of rye toast because I’m fuckin’ starved.”

“You know I’ll always feed you, gorgeous,” she teased, heading back to the kitchen at about the same time that my sister walked in with my partner. “Morning, Cadence, Marigold.”

“Hey, Shelb,” Cadence breathlessly called, plopping down in the seat across from me. “So explain yourself. What happened last night? You were so pissed that I wanted to go out with Felix, then you just bail. You little bitch.” Her arms were crossed over her chest, lip in a pout, eyebrow raised.

“I was tired as fuck from getting no sleep the night before, the idea of getting wasted with you made me want to flay my own skin, and I hate your stupid face.” I returned her raised eyebrow, added with a sneer and fists on the table. We barely lasted a minute before we started cracking up. “Nah. I just wasn’t feeling it last night. I’ll go out with you again, don’t worry.”

“Hey, as long as you’re okay.” She raised herself from the seat some to reach over and ruffle my hair. “I’ve missed you at the house! It’s been quiet.”

Shelby delivered our drinks and took our orders, leaving us to talk between ourselves, Cadence updating me on Connie’s vet appointment that she had our neighbor take her to. Before our food came, she got up to use the bathroom, leaving me alone with Goldie. “Did Felix say anything to her last night?” I asked her softly, my sister and I both having great hearing.

Goldie shook her head and finished swallowing her coffee. “Not a word. When she asked where you were, he diverted the conversation really well.” She looked at me over the edge of her mug as she drank more, green eyes extra piercing when the sunlight hit them and lit up all the golden speckles in her eyes.

“What?”

“He did a really good job of calming you down yesterday. And I heard you two talking the other night at the hotel. Is someone finally getting over their hatred of our boss?” Her grin was ridiculous, more so when she said it like she was talking to a baby.

I took a big gulp of coffee, hoping it would burn my tongue and throat so I didn’t have to respond. “I’m not saying that I hate him. He’s still a pain in the ass.”

“Who, Felix?” Cadence asked, returning from the restroom. “Oh, I so ship it.”

“You what?”

“Ship it. Like I can see you two in a relationship. Shipping. It's very popular with the teens."

"Fuck off,” I hissed. “I barely know the guy, and almost everything that I do know is fucking annoying.”

“Almost?” Goldie caught on. “Do go on.”

“Both of you can choke on your toast.” I raised my mug to them, flipped them off with the other hand, and swallowed another gulp, once more wishing it would scald everything in my mouth so I couldn’t give them anymore ammo. This wasn’t worth wasting my time on. It’s Felix, for Satan’s sake. He probably thought flavored water was fucking wild.

For the remainder of brunch, and most of the day, I kept avoiding the topic with them, aware that Cadence was probably waiting to slip it back into conversation.

At six, Goldie and I parted ways from my sister, where I had to stop myself from telling her I hoped her plane crashed. It wasn’t fair to punish the pilot for her misgivings.

Akiya met us back in the halls of the Council Hall, always able to give me the creeps. Reapers are terrifying, I don’t care what anyone says. Like, yeah, I can kill things easily, but this guy could kill by touch alone if he willed it. It took me a few months to get over my aversion to shaking his hand when he joined us at meetings.

Felix arrived a few minutes after Goldie and me, ending the conversation between my partner and Akiya on the garden around the Council Hall. “I apologize for running behind. I received a call from our police liaison before getting here.” He swallowed hard, meeting our eyes before speaking again, the tension rising. “A new body was found today. Marigold, I need that notebook for cities to make sure our info is pairing with their target cities.” He had his own portfolio with him, grabbing Marigold’s notebook and kneeling on the floor, flipping through the pages.

“Would you prefer a table?” I asked when he removed his laptop from its bag.

“No, no. Ruins train of thought to move,” he muttered, finger skimming his notes and Goldie’s. “Dacula. That’s south of Dahlonega and Cumming. They’re still north of Atlanta, though. But now, they’re moving southeast. They’ll have to move back southwest if they want to head to Atlanta.” He was muttering all of this, sitting crisscross on the tile, hunched over notebooks and his laptop, jotting down his notes. “The victim was a teenager this time,” he finally announced. “Eli Maron. Sixteen. Male. Half-demon, but his mother was the demon, so he lived with his father. Had two half-siblings. Killed in a similar manner except this time, the wrists were gouged out instead of the throat, which means they’re evolving in technique.”

I hadn’t seen him like this before, hyper-invested in his work and recording as many details as he could. He was passionate about this. “Akiya, my thoughts are that they’ll head southwest tonight or tomorrow. I think it’s important that we finish the questioning with Madeline tonight, offer the plea deal if you’re still willing, then we need to get to. . .” His voice trailed off as he typed at his computer with one hand and trailed his finger along the words in the notebook. “Stone Mountain. I’m going to call our liaison back and have him station a few people around that area since we can’t get there until tomorrow. We can’t rush this questioning, the plane ride is an hour and a half, and the drive is about four hours.”

“You could leave by yourself tonight,” Goldie suggested. “Your speed could get you there in a few hours.”

“And I’m doing the questioning,” I offered, which caught him off guard from the way he blinked at me a few times.

“Wait, why? Yesterday was bad for you.” His busy fingers finally stopped moving and his shoulders slumped.

“Yeah, but better me than you. You had your time with her—I can handle her for an hour or two.” I couldn’t tell what he thought about that because he ducked his face to hide it from everyone. “Is that okay with you?”

He only nodded, fingers revving back up with typing out notes. “Y-Yeah, that’s fine. I’m still staying, though. I don’t want to leave in case anything does happen, and the next plane doesn’t even leave for another two hours. It will be easier if I just stay put and call our liaison to guard the house in Stone Mountain. It’s a full demon living with her daughter, who’s a half demon, so they also have that protection. These are new vampires against a demon, so they may be hesitant to attack so frivolously.” He must have completed his notes because he finally closed his laptop. “Should we begin? Akiya, is Madeline in the interrogation room?”

Akiya nodded, starting us down the hallway. “It was a smart idea to cross-reference the US census and the Mazerene census to check for possible target locations,” he murmured to me, tipping his head in my direction while we walked. “You and your sister are very talented.” I waited for some sort of quip or snide remark, but he left it as is, adding nothing about how Cadence was much calmer than me or how she excelled in research.

Madeline locked eyes with me as I entered the small questioning room. She was a panther who had caught sight of her prey and wasn’t about to relinquish it. “Oh, so you’re back for round two?” she asked, sitting up in her seat better as I started up the tape recorder and set it between us.

“We’re doing the questioning, not you,” Marigold said quickly, returning to the same chair she had sat in the day before. “Our goal today is to be able to create the plea bargain for you. You complied well yesterday, for the most part, so I hope you’ll continue to do so today.” She opened her notebook to the page Madeline had written on the day before, taking a moment to read it over before speaking again. “Besides these, were there any other meetings or activities planned by the Blood Rights Foundation?”

“Not that I know of. I was a regular member, so I wasn’t privy to more secret information or other meetings that Richard would attend. All I knew are the ones that we established as a group.” Madeline shifted in her seat, crossing one leg over the other. She was dressed professionally again in a knee-length olive colored dress and an orange ascot, some sort of homage to the seventies. “Your first meeting that you should be going to is Tuesday, like you said yesterday. It’s in Atlanta. I’m expected to be there, but if you all will be going, I’ll call and say Felix is going as my replacement. I can get you into it.”

“And how do we know you wouldn’t set him up to be killed?” I asked, already suspecting her of any kind of malice or misgivings.

“Monitor the phone call for all I care. I told you already that I’m done with that cult. I already got what I wanted.” Her gaze wandered behind me like it had done the day before, past the glass and towards Felix. “Besides, I don’t want him dead. I need him.”

“Need him?” Goldie asked slowly.

“Romantically, of course. Nothing nefarious.” Her expression changed then, into something gentler, an emotion that didn't suit her. “I was hoping after all of this was done, Felix and I could be together again. It would be a long-distance relationship with some prison conjugal visits, but I mean, I went through the whole process of getting his attention, so I think he—”

“No.” My brain moved like molasses, slow and viscous, trying to make the synapses happen to help me realize what I said. Felix didn’t need me to answer for him. Picturing him with Madeline, scared and tormented, must have spurred me on. From the confounded sneer on Madeline’s face and the intrigued smirk on Goldie’s, my thoughts on their relationship was a matter of interest. “Like I told you the other night, he’s capable of making his own choices. Just because you want it doesn’t mean he does.” My face was warm. I never got like this. I was frazzled.

“Anyway,” Goldie quickly covered while I stared at my balled fists settled atop the table. “For Tuesday’s meeting, you’ll vouch for Felix so that he’ll be allowed in. You understand this is included in the plea bargain that we may offer and isn’t for any additional release time?”

“I know. Is it possible to go ahead and sign that yet?”

“Not quite. I have a few more questions. Were you aware of that group of four, Charlie and all of them, having more plans to murder?” My partner had her pen out, ready to write whatever Madeline said and willing to take any attention away from me while I organized my thoughts on when the fuck I became so defensive over Felix.

“I assume they were going to kill more. They’re young vampires, they got a taste for demon blood. Why? Did another happen?” Smugness rolled off her.

“A teenager.”

Madeline’s upturned lips drooped to a frown. “A teenager?” she repeated. “How old?”

“Sixteen,” I finally responded, mentally having gotten myself together. “You seem surprised.”

“I didn’t think they’d go after a child. An adult, certainly, since it’s more of a fair fight. But a child.” She had a tenseness about her, some humanity inside of that sadistic body.

Once again, Goldie slid her notebook across the table for Madeline to look at. “We’re thinking they’re going towards Stone Mountain next. There’s a demon and her child there. As of right now, the local human police force is guarding the home until we can get there tomorrow. Do you think it’s plausible for them to be headed that way?”

“Anything is possible with those four. They’ll probably try to head there before Atlanta just to scope it out. They won’t be able to resist trying to get to a full demon.” She rapped on the table with her knuckles, regaining her original chilly nature. “At least I can say that I still haven’t had demon’s blood. I’ve seen what happens to people when they drink it. Now do you have any other questions for me, or can I sign that plea bargain?”

“Would you be willing to give testimony to all of this during court?” I asked her, to which she nodded. “For the record. I don’t need you backing out of this when we bring everyone in.”

“Yes, I’m willing to give a testimony, good Lord.”

“How long had you been planning to target demons before actually following through with murder?”

Madeline sucked on her bottom lip for a moment, eyes wandering around the cement room. “Oh, not for too long. I knew I wanted a way out of the BRF but wasn’t sure how because I was worried Richard would send people after me if I left voluntarily. He doesn’t like when people leave because there’s too many secrets. He supplied us a list of demons he knew about on the way to Atlanta, so I decided then that it would be a good way to get Felix’s attention.” She raised an eyebrow at me again as my jaw clenched. “That was about a month ago. Picking the right vampires for the task was easy, too. Literally just, ‘oh, you want to taste demon blood and are willing to hide the body? Sure, I’ll treat you to that’.”

My heart started thrumming in my chest, a steady, heavy rhythm that made me queasy and shaky. Hiding my hands beneath the table so nobody could see them trembling, I swallowed down my nerves as best as I could before opening my mouth. “You picked the scouting team for Atlanta, then, not Richard? He trusted you enough to do that?”

“I’ve been with the foundation for years. He didn’t suspect me of anything malicious because why would he? As far as he knows, I’m loyal. I just wanted to take our younglings with me to Atlanta. I told him we’d be making some pitstops for those demons, but I don’t think he expected us to kill them.”

“We need to find out if he knows they’re dead, then,” Marigold said to me. “When Felix goes on Tuesday, he can figure out what everyone knows.” Marigold added this to her notes, underlining it several times before settling back in her chair. “Is there anything else that we should know about Richard or the Blood Rights Foundation or anything at all that you haven’t told us?”

Her eyes trailed around the room, pondering. “I’ll put it on record that Richard needs to be stopped, but it isn’t going to be easy. As soon as he knows that I’m with you, he’s going to make your life Hell. When I make that call to tell the BRF that Felix is going on my behalf, red flags are going to go up. I’ve never missed a meeting. You need to be prepared for that. Richard is dangerous. There’s going to be lots of obstacles in your way to get to him. I’ll help on my end as much as I can, but with me being here, locked away, there’s only so much that I can do to help.” She pumped her eyebrows and grinned. “Modify your plea deal so that I’m able to leave in order to help you.”

“Are you fucking joking?” I hissed, scooting my chair back from the table. “It’s the eleventh hour, we’re almost done, and you want to change it at the last second? We’re giving you five years and rehabilitation services. You’re lucky I’m not wanting to sit your ass outside in the daylight.”

“Then you’ll be found out immediately. If you let me go to the meetings and bring Felix as a guest, then we’ll be able to get more information. Isn’t that worth it, detective?”

To my left, Goldie sighed at the same time the door opened. “I got this,” Akiya grumbled, Felix following behind him like a stray dog. “You’ll serve seven years with rehabilitative services and counseling, but during BRF meetings, you and Detective Elliot will attend those. Detectives Palmer and Marigold will come with you to serve as surveillance while they continue this case. Final offer. If you don’t take it, you’re looking at fifteen years.”

“You’re as high up as the Mazerene legal system goes, right?” Madeline clarified, closing her eyes, knowing this was the best she could do. It was the same look of someone who knew they were about to lose at their favorite board game. “I guess if that’s the best you can do for me. Give me the paperwork.”

“I’ll let you take over so I can take these two for dinner and then back to the states,” Felix explained to his boss. “They’ll leave in the morning towards Stone Mountain, and I’ll meet them there tomorrow night. Do you need anything else from us tonight?” He was acting like he was finalizing a conversation they had behind the glass.

“Go enjoy the rest of your evening, Detective. I’ll take this over for now.” He sighed and waved us along, pushing his hair back from his forehead. “Alright, Ms. Castor. I’m tired and sick of running around in circles with you. Let’s finish this if you don’t mind.”

She didn’t seem pleased about the sudden change, but I ignored it and followed Marigold and Felix out of the room, stopping myself from sticking my tongue out at the vampire in question. We went with each other to each of our respective hotels, patiently waiting for one another while we all packed our suitcases. Dinner was eaten in relative silence while Felix just swirled his blood around in his glass, eyeing our food, drawing his lips into a thin line.

“What’s up?” I asked, all too familiar with that face he made.

“Nothing. I’m getting nervous. I spent years avoiding Madeline like the plague, all for her to end up back in my life and even helping me with my job. I hate it.” His eyelids slid shut, and he worked his hands through his hair, little tufts sticking up in random places like bat wings. They didn’t quite curl since his hair was cut short, but still tried. “It sucks. I’m stuck with her again, like two ships passing in the night but always getting close to crashing.” He scowled, then softened, tipping his head at me. “I’m so sorry. How are you feeling today? I didn’t think to ask you.”

“You’re good. None of us expected it to go that way. Who the fuck changes a plea bargain at the last second?” I grumbled, stabbing a mushroom with my fork, imagining it was Madeline’s face. I wanted to ask him how he felt about Tuesday, knowing he was about to get back into the lion’s den with his ex and a mob of vampires who held different values than he did. Marigold’s gaze on me kept my mouth shut. I refused to give her or my sister any ammo.

“Do you think Akiya made the right choice?” my partner asked, almost reading my mind.

“If it was anyone else but me having to go with Madeline on Tuesday, yes. Unfortunately for me, I’m the only vampire on this case, so I get to do this.”

“We’ll be monitoring you from outside, though. We’ll swoop in if we need to.” Goldie jabbed at a piece of my rigatoni that didn’t have sauce on it, smiling at me when I glared at her. “I can’t just ask for a plate of pasta with no cream sauce. That’s weird.”

“So you steal my food?”

“Yeah, that’s the deal here, you know that.” She stole a mushroom from my plate then. She spent too much time with Cadence. “You’re going to be the one to save Felix if he needs it, right?”

“Why do I need rescuing in this scenario?” Felix asked, eyebrows angling upwards, hurt and confused. His voice was a little whimper. “I can handle myself in most scenarios.”

“I’m not saying that you’ll need it, but let’s be honest, Barty will do better than me against a bunch of vampires. I’m just making a back up plan, that’s all,” Goldie explained, palms turned towards us as if defending herself. “I know you can handle yourself, Fee. I know I feel better when Barty is there to help me, so I thought you would, too. Like a demonic knight in shining armor.”

“Oh, shut up,” I mumbled, rolling my eyes when she and Felix giggled. Goldie had a way with making him snicker like that, I realized. She brought out the best in him and found the parts that I refused to see, just like how she had done with me by wearing down my edges over the years. I’m sure there was some hippy-dippy bullshit and metaphysical reasoning for the nature girl being able to find the goodness in everyone—all I knew was that Goldie made it look so easy to be friendly with Felix. It led to a lot of self-doubt in what I knew to be real, which was that vampires were cruel bastards.

A part of me hoped that I could start to see what Goldie did.

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