City of Boneheads: A Parody of City of Bones (The Mortal Instruments Book 1)
City of Boneheads: Chapter 6

Clary was falling, falling…

Where would she end up? It was so exciting. Maybe she’d be at the Eiffel Tower. Or in Japan! She’d always wanted to visit Japan.

And besides where she’d end up, how about when? It’d be so cool if it was the 80s! She could have big hair and go to a high school like the one in The Breakfast Club! Or how about the 90s? Maybe she’d get to meet Nirvana, especially if it was the early 90s because they wouldn’t be famous yet! Maybe they’d even write a song about her!

Clary began to feel leaves and branches hitting her body, and finally she landed with a thump. She was surrounded by foliage. Where was she? A tropical rainforest? On the side of Mount Kilimanjaro? She stood up and looked around…and was disappointed to see the familiar sight of Luke’s apartment building in Brooklyn. She’d traveled all of 10 blocks.

Oh well, she thought, at least it’s cool I got to go back in time! She flagged down a pedestrian walking by.

“Excuse me,” said Clary, “could you tell me what year it is?”

The pedestrian just stared at her.

“I know, I look so crazy because I’m from the future,” said Clary. “The year 2015, to be exact! Sorry to frighten you. I’d just really like to know what year it is.”

“2015,” said the pedestrian.

“Oh? Then what month then? I’m from March!”

“March,” said the pedestrian.

“The 17th?” said Clary. The pedestrian nodded.

“Wait, how about the time of day?” said Clary. She checked her watch against the pedestrian’s. The time was the exact same.

Clary couldn’t believe it. The stupid portal had only transported her 10 blocks, with no time change. It was basically just a slightly faster subway.

Behind Clary there was a loud thump, and something landed in the same bushes that she’d landed in. The bushes rustled and Jace’s head poked out.

 “Ha,” said Clary, “I knew you couldn’t resist making money betting on an old Super Bowl. Well sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s the exact same day as when we left. I think the stupid portal is broken.”

“It isn’t broken,” said Jace. “It takes you to whatever place you’re thinking about when you enter it.”

“Ohhhh, now this all make sense,” said Clary. “Because right when I got in the portal, I thought, You know what would be the dumbest thing ever? If this portal only transported me 10 blocks with no change in time.”

“So where are we, exactly?” said Jace.

“Luke’s place,” said Clary. She pointed at a small bookstore on the first floor of the building. “That’s his store, and he lives in the back.”

“Luke owns a brick-and-mortar bookstore?” said Jace.

“Yeah, I know, it’s the stupidest thing ever,” said Clary. “You might as well own a store where you burn your own money.”

Jace approached the building and looked in the windows. “I don’t think there’s anybody in there,” he said.

“What a surprise, nobody in a brick-and-mortar bookstore,” said Clary.

“So what should we do now?” said Jace. “He said he didn’t want you to visit, right?”

“Well since we’re here already, let’s at least raid the fridge,” said Clary. “It’ll teach him a lesson: You don’t let me crash with you, I eat all your Hot Pockets.”

“Sounds like a plan. How do we get in?”

“Just climb that fence to get to the back door,” said Clary. “There’s a key under the doormat.”

Jace hopped over the fence and landed in some shrubs.

“Owwww!” came a voice from the shrubs. Jace pulled aside the shrubs to reveal Simon, holding a fancy digital camera pointed at Clary.

“What are you doing?” said Jace.

“I’m, uh, taking pictures of pigeons for a biology assignment.”

“In the bushes?”

“They act totally different if they see you,” said Simon.

Jace grabbed the camera and started flipping through the pictures.

“Clary, there are like 10,000 photos of you on here,” said Jace. “Whoa, how’d you get ones of her in the shower?”

Clary snatched the camera away. “Simon, how did you find me here?”

“I stopped by your place a couple days ago and it was completely trashed,” said Simon. “I had no idea what happened, but figured at some point you’d end up here. Who’s this guy, by the way?”

Clary suddenly realized that Simon could now see Jace, whereas he hadn’t been able to see him in the club.

“Jace, why can Simon see you now?” said Clary.

“I didn’t wear my magic lip gloss today,” said Jace. “I ran out of pinkatini and the only other color I had was caramel kiss, and I wasn’t really feeling it.”

“Simon, this is Jace,” said Clary. “He kills demons. He’s called a Shadowhunter.

“Then why not call himself a ‘demon killer’ rather than something pretentious like ‘Shadowhunter?’”

“Exactly what I said,” said Clary.

“Look, ‘Demon Killer’ would be a dumb name because we don’t just kill demons,” said Jace. “We also use magical spells, and once in a while kill vampires and warlocks.”

“Oh, so It’s like Dungeons & Dragons, but real,” said Simon.

“Like what?” said Jace.

“Dungeons & Dragons.” said Simon.

“Sorry, I’ve never heard of D&D,” said Jace.

“Then how do you know it’s called D&D?” said Simon. “Ha ha, you used to play D&D! What a loser!”

“My gnome cleric made it to level 115,” said Jace. “Who’s the loser now?”

“Sorry to break up NerdCon,” said Clary, “but we gotta hit the fridge before Luke gets back.”

Clary walked up to the back door, took the key from under the doormat, and stuck it in the lock. But the door wouldn’t open.

“Crap, he must’ve changed the locks after my apartment got attacked,” said Clary.

“Allow me,” said Jace. He took out a silver cylinder and touched it to the lock, and the door clicked open.

“Wow, I didn’t know your stele could do that,” said Clary.

“It can’t,” said Jace. “This is just a lock-picking tool. I used to rob houses to pay the rent before we got the deal at Hodge’s.”

They walked into Luke’s apartment. It was dark, and there were boxes of books stacked everywhere.

“I can’t imagine why a brick-and-mortar bookstore would have so many unsold books lying around,” said Clary, and they all laughed.

“Where’s the fridge?” said Jace.

“Back in that corner,” said Clary, pointing across the room into the darkness.

“Might be easier if we could see,” said Simon.

“Hold on, let me find the light switch,” said Clary.

“No need,” said Jace. He took something from his pocket and held it up. An incredibly bright light emerged from his hand, and Clary and Simon winced and shielded their eyes.

“Ow, what is that thing?” said Clary. “And does it have a lower setting?”

“Sorry, I had the high beams on,” said Jace. He touched the thing and the light dimmed a bit. “It’s called witchlight.”

“Shhhh, I think I hear someone!” said Clary. From down the hall came the sound of a door opening and footsteps.

“Somebody’s coming!” said Simon.

“Maybe it’s just a customer,” said Jace.

“It’s a brick-and-mortar bookstore, there are no customers,” said Clary.

“Where should we hide?” said Simon.

“Oh I don’t know, how ’bout behind some of the 2,000 boxes of unsold books?” said Clary.

They went behind a stack of boxes. A moment later, they heard several people entering the room.

Clary listened to their voices for a second. “I think one of them is Luke,” said Clary, “but I don’t recognize the others.”

“Hold on,” said Jace. He took out his stele and drew a rectangle the size of a small TV screen on one of the boxes they were hiding behind. He then drew a tramp stamp inside the rectangle. The inside of the rectangle shimmered, and a porno movie started playing on it.

“Oops, wrong tramp stamp!” said Jace. He quickly crossed out the tramp stamp and drew another one.

The rectangle shimmered again and became transparent, as if it were a window. Clary saw Luke standing with two guys wearing red robes and hoods.

“Are you guys sure you don’t want any books?” said Luke. “Everything’s on sale. Three for a dollar!”

The guys in the robes shook their heads.

“How ‘bout 10 for a dollar?” said Luke. They shook their heads again. “Okay, every book in the store for a dollar.”

“Sorry, I only read ebooks,” said one of the guys.

Clary turned to Jace. “Do you know who the guys in the hoods are?” she whispered.

Jace nodded. “Blackwell and Pangborn. Rogue Shadowhunters who work for Valentine.”

“Blackwell and Pangborn?” said Clary. “What, are they from Planet Dumbname?”

“Shhhhhhh,” said Jace. Clary turned back to the men.

“Anyway, we’re not here to buy books,” said one of the hooded guys. “We’re here to find out where Jocelyn hid the Mortal Keg.”

Clary stifled a gasp.

“Ask her yourself, Pangborn,” said Luke. “You guys kidnapped her.”

“She hasn’t regained consciousness yet,” said Pangborn. “Come on, just tell us where it is, and maybe Valentine will have mercy on you.”

“How should I know where it is?” said Luke. “I was only hooking up with her, not dating her.”

“Nice!” said Blackwell, and he gave Luke a fist-bump.

“Doesn’t she have a daughter?” said Pangborn.

Luke nodded.

“Is she hot?”

“Maybe? Kinda?” said Luke. “She might be super hot with her hair done and the right clothes. It’s a bit hard to say.”

“Where is she?” said Blackwell.

“Probably at some sleepover party with her sixteen-year-old girlfriends, all wearing panties and those tank tops that don’t even cover their belly button,” said Luke. “Dammit, I wish I were in high school again!”

“Well if you find out where she is, or become Facebook friends with her and gain access to her sleepover party pics, will you let us know?”

“Sure thing,” said Luke.

Clary hadn’t decided yet whether to accept Luke’s friend request from a couple weeks ago, but she definitely was rejecting it now.

“Very well,” said Pangborn. “I hope for your sake that Valentine doesn’t send us here again.” The three men walked out of the living room and their footsteps gradually trailed off.

Simon put his arms around Clary and Jace. “So guys, it’s just us three again!” he said. “What should we do?”

There was an awkward silence.

“Actually, I’m feeling kinda tired,” said Clary.

“Me too,” said Jace.

“I think we’re just gonna grab some Hot Pockets from the fridge and head back to the Institute,” said Clary.

“Okay, I’m down!” said Simon.

There was another awkward silence.

“I don’t know how much fun it’ll be for you there,” said Clary, “with us two being tired and all.”

“We’ll probably just go to sleep right after we get there,” said Jace.

“Yup,” said Clary, “just a big old Institute, and two people sleeping in it.”

“Not a problem at all,” said Simon, “If you guys fall asleep, I can just entertain myself there!”

For the entire subway ride to the Institute, Clary and Jace tried to ditch Simon, but he wouldn’t take a hint. Finally, they arrived at the Institute, and reluctantly brought Simon in with them.

 They walked into the kitchen, where Isabelle was cooking in skimpy lingerie and Alec was drinking tea. Isabelle and Alec both looked up at Simon, and Isabelle seemed worried while Alec seemed quite happy.

“You brought another mundie in here?” said Isabelle.

“What’s wrong with mundies?” said Alec, putting his arm around Simon and caressing his shoulder. “We love mundies here!”

“Simon, this is Alec and Isabelle,” said Clary.

Simon stood paralyzed, gazing at Isabelle in her lingerie.

“Can anyone stir this pot for a second?” said Isabelle. “I just need to—”

“I’ll do it!” said Simon, rushing over to the pot.

Jace nudged Clary. “I thought he liked you,” Jace whispered.

“He’s a virgin. He likes everyone,” said Clary.

Jace caught a whiff of something and frowned. “What’s that smell?” said Jace. “Did someone forget to change Church’s cat litter?”

Alec shook his head. “Isabelle’s cooking soup,” he said.

“Isabelle, you really are the worst cook,” said Jace.

“Don’t blame me,” said Isabelle. “You’re the moron who insists on everything being gluten-free.”

“Well it’s better for you!” said Jace.

“And why’s that, exactly?” said Isabelle.

“It doesn’t have gluten!” said Jace.

“And what’s ‘gluten,’ exactly?” said Isabelle.

“That stuff that’s bad for you, duh,” said Jace. “OK, we need to go update Hodge on what happened today.” He began to leave.

“You guys don’t want any soup?” said Isabelle.

“No thanks,” said Jace. “But I’m sure Simon will eat some of it.”

“Normally I would, as an excuse to hang out with her,” said Simon. “But gluten-free food is totally disgusting.”

Isabelle laughed. “I kinda like this guy,” she said. Upon hearing this, Simon looked positively giddy.

“Don’t get too excited,” said Jace. “Isabelle has a thing for getting guys to buy her lots of meals while never hooking up with them.”

Crap, thought Clary, now I have competition. She was about to tell Isabelle that this source of free meals was taken, but Jace dragged her away.

Clary followed Jace down the hall, and they came upon a cat lounging in the middle of the hallway. “Church, where’s Hodge?” said Jace. Church stood up with an annoyed “meow” and walked over to an area with several litter boxes, each of which had the name of a room on it. He stepped into the box that said “greenhouse” and took a poop.

“The greenhouse, got it,” said Jace. “Thanks!”

Jace led Clary to a spiral staircase, and they began ascending. At the top of the staircase was a door, and when they went through it, Clary was stunned to see they were standing in a gigantic greenhouse.

“Cool,” she said. She was about to ask what they grew there when the smell of pot hit her like a wave. “Whoa, smells like—”

“$20,000 a month,” said Jace.

Clary glanced around and saw that every plant was a marijuana plant.

“Is that all you grow here?” she said.

“We used to mainly grow flowers,” said Jace. “But then New York legalized the sale of medical marijuana, so we got rid of them.”

“Oh, so you sell it to sick people?” said Clary.

“Well, ‘sick’ people,” said Jace with a wink. “We actually sell a lot of it to vampires, because it makes it easier for them to get girls back to their place.”

Clary nodded. She was much more willing to go back to a guy’s place if he had some weed.

“OK, let’s find Hodge,” said Jace. “By the way, don’t tell him what we’re actually growing. He thinks it’s exotic plants from Idris. If he finds out it’s pot he’ll want a cut.”

Jace led Clary down a path between the pot plants. After a minute they found Hodge sitting on a bench with his eyes closed and breathing deeply.

“Excuse me, Hodge?” said Jace. “You awake?”

“Yes, yes,” said Hodge. “I was just relaxing. For some reason being in this room totally mellows me out.”

“We have some disturbing news,” said Jace. “When we went to Clary’s apartment to grab her stash, we were attacked by a Forsaken!”

“Duuuude,” said Hodge. “That’s like, soooo uncool.”

“Then after that we went to Luke’s, and Blackwell and Pangborn were there, and we overheard them say Valentine kidnapped Clary’s mom and is searching for the Mortal Keg!”

“Whooaaaaa, serious bummer, dude,” said Hodge. “Hey bro, would you guys mind going to the store and getting me some Cheetos? I’m like really hungry.”

“Isn’t there a store right next door?” said Clary. “Maybe you should take a little walk over there, get some fresh air. I think you could use it.”

“Believe me, dude, I’d love to,” said Hodge.

“Oh-kayyy…then why don’t you?” said Clary.

“Because of the curse, obviously!” said Hodge.

“Curse?” said Clary.

Jace pulled her aside and whispered in her ear. “We told Hodge that he used to be part of Valentine’s rebel group, and that because of that, the Clave has put a curse on him which will kill him if he ever leaves the building,” said Jace.

“Why’d you do that?” said Clary.

“To keep him from selling the place,” said Jace. “Do you know how much the value of New York real estate has gone up lately? If he didn’t have to live here he’d sell it in a second! Then bye bye, $35-a-month rent with free cable and utilities.”

“Duuuuudde, where’s my snack?” cried Hodge.

“Isabelle’s making dinner, Hodge,” said Jace. “How ‘bout we go downstairs?”

“Cool,” said Hodge. “I hope it’s not any of that gluten-free garbage.”

When they walked into the kitchen, Isabelle’s soup was still cooking on the stove, but Isabelle was handing out slices of pizza from a large pizza box.

“I thought you were making soup,” said Jace.

“We decided that even if the unsubstantiated claim that gluten causes cancer were true, we’d rather get cancer than eat gluten-free food,” said Isabelle.

Alec happily took a bite of pizza, but his smile quickly turned to a frown. “Ugh, this is like the worst pizza I’ve ever had,” said Alec. “Where’d you order it from?”

Isabelle shrugged. “Just one of the local pizza places we had a menu for.”

Alec examined the box, and saw it said Village Kosher Pizza.

“Nooooooo! You idiot!” said Alec. “Kosher’s the only thing that tastes worse than gluten-free!”

“Guys, I think we have a much bigger problem to worry about than dinner,” said Jace. “Valentine’s looking for the Mortal Keg at this very second. We’ve got to find it before him!”

“And how do you propose we do that?” said Alec.

“First, we need to get the Silent Brothers to recover Clary’s memory,” said Jace.

The other Shadowhunters gave each other a look, like this was a really big deal.

“What do you mean, ‘recover my memory?’” said Clary.

“It’s obvious you have memories you don’t recall,” said Jace. “For instance, you have Shadowhunter abilities, which means you must’ve received some Shadowhunter training, but you don’t remember any training. Maybe you also saw your mom hide the Mortal Keg, or heard her say where it is, and just can’t remember it. The Silent Brothers can search your memories and find that information.”

Search my memories? thought Clary. She imagined them finding out about the time she wrote a love letter to SpongeBob SquarePants. “I’m not so sure about this,” she said.

 “Don’t worry, you won’t have to pay for it,” said Jace. “We have a gift card for the Silent Brothers and it’s expiring next week, so we might as well use it.”

“Fine,” said Clary. It was free, so whatever. Who knows, maybe they could even help her remember her mom’s Netflix password. She’d forgotten it the day after Mom disappeared, and had been watching only YouTube videos ever since. It was super annoying.

The next morning Clary and Jace took a cab to the cemetery, and Jace led Clary inside to an arched gate, on which were inscribed the words: DAEMONIBUS OCCIDERE FACILE EST, ASPICIENS CALIDAM DURUM.

“What’s that mean?” said Clary.

“‘Killing demons is easy, looking hot is hard,’” said Jace. “It’s the Shadowhunter motto.”

They walked through the gate and down a flight of stone stairs and came to a door. Jace knocked three times, and the door creaked open. Clary was stunned to see a guy in a hooded robe whose mouth appeared to have been sewn shut with stitches.

“Clary, this is Brother Jeremiah, one of the Silent Brothers,” said Jace.

“Um…hi?” said Clary.

Jeremiah didn’t say anything back.

“So they don’t communicate at all?” said Clary. “How am I supposed to work with them?”

“Wait for it…,” said Jace.

Heyyyyyyy girlfriend!

It was a voice in Clary’s head. A loud, annoying voice.

Darling how ARE you? Omigod I’ve heard SO much about you.

“They talk telepathically,” explained Jace.

Come in come in come in! Those shoes are to DIE for by the way. Where’d you get them? Omigod, I was at the mall yesterday and saw this black pair of Jimmy Choos? Girlfriend, you have NO idea!

Brother Jeremiah led them down several underground passageways, talking the entire time.

“Does this guy ever shut up?” whispered Clary to Jace.

“Not as far as I’m aware,” said Jace. “But I’ve only known him for 12 years.”

They rounded a corner and ended up in a large room lit with torches.

Okay sweetheart, I wanna officially welcome you to the City of Boneheads! He made a fake trumpet flourish. Doo-doo-doo-doooooooo! Hahaha. Anyhoo, everything you see around you — the walls, the archways, the floors — is constructed from the ashes of Shadowhunters who were such boneheads that they got killed fighting demons.

“So you do that as a symbolic tribute to the dead Shadowhunters?” said Clary.

Nah, it’s just WAY cheaper than concrete. It’s also a bit less strong than concrete, though, so don’t touch anything. Jace reached out his hand to lean on the wall, and his hand went right through it.

Party foul! Here, follow me.

Jeremiah walked over to a large oval table where a bunch of Silent Brothers were sitting in a circle. They all had their mouths sewn shut, but were gabbing to each other in really loud telepathic conversations.

Did you see that mausoleum they just put up in section 26? Like, gag me!

I’m thinking of getting my mouth stitches colored. What do you think about teal?

That new gravedigger is cuuuuuute!

Jeremiah cleared his throat. Um, everyone? he said, trying to get their attention. But everybody kept talking.

Guys? Jeremiah waved his hands around, but everyone continued to ignore him.

HEL-LOOOOOO! Jeremiah shouted, and the telepathic conversations died down.

Gracias. This tasty morsel is Clary Fray. We’re gonna try and restore her memory now, mkay?

The other Brothers nodded and went back to their conversations.

Clary, honey, why don’t you put your buns up on this table right here. He pointed to a small stone table near where the Brothers were sitting. It’s our special memory table!

Clary couldn’t hear him, however, because his voice was drowned out by the other conversations which were gradually approaching their former volume.

“WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” shouted Clary.

I SAID, WHY DON’T YOU GET ON THE TABLE? shouted Jeremiah.

Clary hopped up onto the table.

OKAY, shouted Jeremiah, I WANT YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TOTALLY CONCENTRATE ON TRYING TO RECALL YOUR MEMORIES.

Clary closed her eyes, but all she could concentrate on was the twenty loud telepathic conversations going on around her.

Guys, PLEASE, said Jeremiah. We’re trying to recover some memories here!

The voices reluctantly died down. A few Brothers still spoke in whispers, but Clary decided to power through and closed her eyes again. She began to concentrate and felt memories flooding over her. A stream of memories passed before her closed eyelids:

Simon asking her to come up to his place after dinner and her saying no…

Simon asking if they could go to her apartment after a movie and her saying no…

Simon trying to kiss her and her saying no…

Simon asking if she’d like a massage and her saying no…

Simon trying to kiss her on a different day and her saying no…

Then she felt something in her mind open up, like a door had been unlocked, and she saw two words written in fire: MAGNUS BANE.

Suddenly Clary snapped awake. Her body was covered with sweat.

Jeremiah turned to Jace. Sorry, said Jeremiah. We tried to recover her memories of all-girl sleepovers, but someone has put a block on her mind.

“Who?” said Jace.

Jeremiah shrugged.

“Wait, I know who did it!” said Clary. “I saw a name! ‘Magnus Bane.’”

“A male porn star put a block on your mind?” said Jace.

Jeremiah checked his watch conspicuously and cleared his throat. Ok, you guys and your Groupon deal, out! said Jeremiah. Time for us to see some PAYING customers. He led them back to the stairs, and they exited into the daylight.

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