Aliens Moved My Cheese
Chapter 12: May the Farce Be With You

“Come on you apes, do you want to live forever?” -Johnny Rico (from the movie Starship Troopers).

I actually got noticeably excited (for about 5 seconds) when I learned about the recent developments astronomers are claiming are occurring in Cygnus. The Royal Astronomical Society observed some strange, very large, unexplainable structures in an old system KIC8462852, that can’t be explained by simply saying it’s a chaotic period in the development of a young star system. These structures appear to be in a very ordered layout, which looks sort of like a fleet of starships preparing to embark. Have you ever seen the Star Wars movies when a fleet of Imperial warships are in formation and gearing up for battle? Kind of like that or at least that’s their story and they’re sticking to it. The same structures were observed by VLA (Very Large Array) in New Mexico. Now nobody in academia came right out and said that these are definitely spaceships hell bent on invading earth. There is a very valid reason they refrained from making that suggestion. They like their day jobs and don’t want to get laughed out of academia. They didn’t have to go there anyway. The UFO conspiracy nuts jumped the gun and made that statement for them. For all we know these are naturally occurring astronomical phenomena, that we are seeing for the first time and we just don’t have an explanation for them yet. Think about ancient man looking up at the moon in awe and wonder trying to decide whether or not it was a God. Well Ufologists are looking towards Cygnus doing the modern day equivalent of precisely that.

Our little backwater part of the Milky Way is a decidedly quiet place. The only signals emanating into deep space in the region so far are coming from the planet Earth. The fear some UFO conspiracy theorists have is that we are calling too much attention to ourselves, especially when we consider Cygnus is only a mere 1,480 light years away. I understand why these conspiracy types are acting in a decidedly alarmist manner. Fear sells and fear of a potential big alien bully in our backyard sells overpriced pseudo-scientific books to gullible idiots. Let’s examine the distances required for a fleet of warships to travel to earth from Cygnus. 1,480 light years doesn’t sound like that big a deal, until you consider that would mean the aliens would need to travel towards earth at the speed of light or very close to it for 1,480 years just to get their bada bing on. Now that being said if we observe these objects moving in our general direction at the speed of light any time in the near future then we know that, “Houston we have a problem.” Even then it might not be that big a deal. These could be colony ships or ships on a mission of exploration, not necessarily a war fleet looking to start some shit. Let’s say for the sake of argument they are coming in service of the dark side of the farce, sorry force… whatever. That would give us 1,480 years to get our weapons tech up to alien ass kicking levels of destruction and we are damned good at rapidly developing new and innovative weapons systems. We are so good at inventing new ways to kill each other, at the rate we are going our species might not still be around when they get here. Problem solved! If we see them in route we could also develop our new WMD’s and space travel and meet the little green fuckers before they got half way to earth, with an enormous fucking sign that reads, “not welcome here.” If they want to throw down we’d have seven hundred + years with earth united under one anti-alien banner, in which to invent new and brutal ways to tear alien ass limb from limb. I can envision a scene straight out of the movie “Ice Pirates would very shortly follow. If they were friendlies we make nice with them and I get to fulfill my obsessive dream of humping every alien female with an orifice capable of receiving my seed. That makes my happy bits just tingle with anticipation.

All my speculation is irrelevant of course. We can’t currently see far enough a field to tell if the structures we are looking at are alien made mega structures manned by AWA (Aliens With Attitudes) or if they are just large ass unmanned pieces of cosmic debris in coincidentally ordered looking patterns, that would only suggest intelligent design. Legitimate scientists simply don’t know and therefore guys like you and I don’t know. Conspiracy loonies certainly don’t know because they are prone to ridiculously wild speculation based on a knowledge foundation comprised primarily of piss and shit. I’m not saying the lunatic fringe is automatically wrong in their assumptions. For all I know the aliens might be massing for an interstellar blitzkrieg on the third rock from the sun but I would suggest taking a wait and see attitude before mobilizing the troops. If it is confirmed that E.T. is coming at us with a large group of ships, that is at the very least provocative and we should then and only then call up Chewbacca and alert the rebellion forces “grrrrrrrrrrr!!!” If these so-called mega-structures don’t move out of Cygnus then no harm no foul. For all we know it could just be aliens building a huge orbital space station, which certainly would be no reason to get our panties in a bunch. Here’s a thought! Yeah I occasionally do have those, despite what my kid brother might tell you. We are some loud sons a’ ho’s. We broadcast our radio and T.V signals and satellite transmissions all over the cosmic playground. Did any of these conspiracy theorists ever stop to think, that maybe the aliens heard our messages and watched our violent T.V. shows and they are scared shitless of us? I mean let’s face it we are some scary violent bastards. The alleged mega structures which are not currently moving our way might just be defensive in nature. The aliens in Cygnus could be soiling their drawers in anticipation of a potential human invasion. Their conspiracy theorists might be speculating about us, in much the same manner as we are currently speculating about them. I for one want to make love not war. Maybe if they knew that, they wouldn’t see the need to waste their time constructing a “Space Balls” style fleet in the first place and would spend time on a more worthy endeavor suitable to my needs. That’s right I’m talking about an alien ho’ house. In the immortal words of Rodney King “why can’t we all just get along?”

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