Aliens Moved My Cheese
Chapter 10: I’m With Stupid

I just read Drake’s equation for the first time about five minutes ago. For those not in the know it is a mathematical equation postulating the likelihood of the existence of sentient alien life forms. Humans even very intelligent ones, often ignore the fact that utilizing mathematical equations to answer scientific questions are only a starting point for true scientific research. Sometimes a formula and hypothesis that sounded great on paper fall flat on their face when they are physically tested in the real world. For example: “The Magic Bullet Theory” was used to explain the assassination of JFK. Now anybody who has seen the Warren Commission Report or understands a single fucking thing about ballistics, knows the scenario in which a bullet is fired through one man and then hangs in the air for two seconds and then changes direction before entering the body of another man is impossible in the real world. At the very least it is impossible here on earth and one thing we can all agree on is the JFK assassination happened on earth in Dallas Texas. I understand confusion may have arisen because most Americans think Texans are from outer space, due to their chronically bizarre nonsensical behavior. I guess the point I’m trying to make just because an individual postulated that statistically aliens should exist in predictable numbers that does not automatically become gospel until we actually find said aliens in quantities somewhere in the ballpark of their predictions. A theoretical formula does not take into account many unknown variables that we don’t know about on alien worlds, like the existence of energies and substances we don’t have here on earth. That’s a hell of a lot of possible or dare I say it probable unknowns, which could alter the likelihood of abundant life on other planets drastically.

Drake’s equation indicates that between 1000 and 100,000,000 sentient alien races could exist in the universe. That’s a lot of room for error. I’m no mathematical genius but there is a whole lot of difference between 1000 and 100,000,000. The average third grader could come to that conclusion in seconds. I have to ask myself, how valuable is a formula with that ridiculous a discrepancy in + or - error? If I’m going to play the lottery I’d like to know what the likelihood is that I might win it. If the odds are 1000-1 my ass is playing the game of chance for a dollar. If the odds are 100,000,000-1 what the fuck is the point? Let’s just say hypothetically the best case scenario is true and 100,000,000 sentient alien races exist in the universe. Now if only 10% of these aliens achieved interstellar travel, that would mean that there are 10,000,000 alien races out there flying around the cosmos while reading the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and smiling knowingly. If there were that many aliens around don’t you think at least one of them would have contacted us directly by now? Now on the flipside of that argument let’s say there are only 1000 sentient alien races in the universe 10% of which survived long enough to master interstellar flight. That would mean only a hundred very lonely alien races are boogieing around the universe looking for a party. In that case it is highly unlikely that we might ever see an alien species or at the very least very statistically far fetched. The entire alien contact question therefore hangs on the idea that either there are a large number of really smart aliens that avoid us like the plague because we act like alien Forest Gump’s or the concept that most aliens are either too fucking stupid to figure out how hurl themselves out into space or ignorant enough to destroy themselves before reaching that level of technological advancement. Perhaps if there are aliens out there watching us in large numbers, they simply don’t want to hang out with the slow kid class who like likes to eat the paste. I really don’t want that to be a truism but then I sit down and watch old film bytes of “W” Bush and Donald Trump and realize that we are more than likely the “Ralph Wiggums” of the Milky Way as the “Zoo Hypothesis“ would suggest. Stand up comics on other worlds are probably sitting around telling “human jokes” as I’m writing this essay. E.T: “How many humans does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Dr Who: “How Many?” E.T.: It took 40,000 years for humans to invent the light bulb, so who the fuck cares how many it takes to screw one in?” Dr Who: “Lol!!!!”

I’m am guilty of human bias in favor of my species, so of course I hope we aren’t a cosmic punch line. I’d be much happier if the converse were true. If we achieve interstellar travel and discover that most aliens are dumber than we are, nobody will be happier than me. It’ll make my picking up ditzy alien chicks a statistical certainty and as you may have surmised by now, I’m all about kicking it with E.T.’s sister. Unfortunately, the fact that I am in the top 10th percentile of humans intellectually and still manage to constantly think with my cock, would tend to suggest otherwise. Maybe what these theories need are an interjection of a little common sense. I simply don’t know what aliens are like because I have yet to encounter one or meet a human who claims to have done so who is the least bit credible. If they have interstellar travel the safe bet is they’re smart motherfuckers. If they lay around smoking philly blunts while contemplating whether or not the moon is a God, they are retarded. See how easy that is? They might be like Marvin the Martian…genius.” They also could be lumps of amorphous babbling gelatin with all the intellectual prowess of a cocker spaniel. I just don’t know and I’m not afraid to admit that. Drake’s Formula is interesting to contemplate but let’s face it, the theory is purely speculative without a single shred of empirical evidence to support it. I think we as a species best demonstrate our intelligence by not jumping to conclusions due to wishful thinking and not engaging in the spread of fairy tale beliefs presented as facts as opposed to what they probably are… speculative fictions. It’s alright to speculate about aliens. It’s an interesting mental exercise. UFO conspiracy theorists often don’t stop at pure speculation. They sometimes claim to know what they are talking about as if they talked to E.T. personally. I went on a Facebook to test out my theory. Yeah I know, FB is a cesspool of misinformation as are most social sites but there are a fair number of reasonably intelligent people who debate this topic as well. I asked 100 people if they believed Drake’s equation was completely accurate in it’s assessment of the proliferation of alien races existing in the universe. 78% of those surveyed said yes it is a completely accurate and a scientific certainty. That’s 78 people out of 100 for you really slow sons of bitches out there. We aren’t talking about a proven scientific fact here. We are talking about a decidedly pseudo-scientific theory based on a genuinely flawed formula. It is precisely that type of certainty in the face of a distinct lack of supporting evidence that leads me to believe we are the special ed kids in our cosmos as opposed to the class valedictorians. P.T. Barnum once said,” There’s a sucker born every minute.” Don’t be that sucker you paste eating hairless apes. You’re making us look bad in front of our alien neighbors!

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